Since this is my outlet and I feel pretty safe here, I'm going to lay out some things in my life that I'm afraid of. It helps me to get these things off my chest and hopefully off my mind for a little while. I'm sure some of these fears will have people rolling their eyes or scoffing and I might even offend some of you. None of that is my intent...only to maybe help someone else out there that has had these feelings and thinks they may be alone or "wrong" in what they feel. You are not alone. My mind can cook up some pretty off the wall and unexplained things to be afraid of.
As most of you know, I was married before. During that relationship, I was always afraid that I was going to be without my husband. I could never put my finger on it but I was convinced that he would be taken away from me. As our marriage crumbled right before my eyes that realization came to fruition. My fear came true. I was alone and without him. My future was unknown. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was afraid of being alone and on my own. I didn't know how to be TeeJay because I spent so many years being C's wife, part of a twosome that was nearly inseparable. I had been happy that way...pretty carefree, actually. Then my marriage ended and I was overcome with many fears about who I was and where I was going. It was too much for me to handle and I needed to get on an anti-depressant.
I met BJ a few months after I split with my ex. We were just friends for a little while, mainly because I was afraid of another relationship. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend or even just casually date someone. Things moved pretty quickly anyway and before I knew it I was invested in this new relationship. That terrified me. I didn't know how to love someone else. I didn't know how to be loved by someone else. It took me a while to admit to myself that I fell in love with BJ. Then we moved in together, got married and started our life together.
I now have a whole new set of fears. I fear that things will go south suddenly, like with my last marriage. Sure, I'm older and wiser now, but that doesn't help my inner fears to disappear. I'm afraid that if I do something wrong, he'll come to me and tell me that he's not happy. I'm afraid that he will leave and I'll be all alone again. I have no reason to think that things are on the rocks. Things are actually very good with us right now. But the fear sits there and torments me every time we have a disagreement. I don't know what to do about it. It just won't go away.
Then there's the whole TTC thing. I'm afraid of never getting pregnant. I think most of you can relate to that fear. It's a fear that definitely haunts me daily. Then there's this other fear. The one that some of you my turn your noses up at. What if I do get pregnant?
If I get pregnant...will I mis-carry? Will I carry to term? If I carry to term will I have a healthy baby? Will motherhood be overwhelming for me? Will I regret gaining weight and getting stretch marks and all the other changes that will happen to my body? What if BJ doesn't like me anymore after pregnancy? Will I be disappointed if I'm not magically happy after I have a baby? What about my parenting relationship with my husband? Will we butt heads? Will we drift apart? What will motherhood do to how I feel about my job? Will I be ok with working and leaving my child with someone else? What if I'm not? Have I built up motherhood too much? It's almost like "be careful what you wish for..."
My head is spinning...
Sometimes I wonder if my fears have somehow stopped me from conceiving. I've heard that there is a direct connection between the subconscious and our overall well being. Not sure how much it has really affected me...but again...it's one of my fears. Apparently, I have many of them.
I know with my brain that it's ok to have these fears. I know that it's ok to wonder what life will be like after having a baby. It really changes everything about your life and who you are. I just hope that by having these fears, and giving them a voice, I haven't sabotaged myself. I really DO want a baby and I really DO want to be a mother. And I really love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. But still, the fears linger.