Friday, June 18, 2010

Troll Wins, TeeJay Loses, AF Shows Up

AF showed up yesterday morning. Ruined my day. Took away my hope. And just plain pissed me off.

These monthly failures are wearing on me. They seem to be hitting me harder and harder these passed few cycles. I think it's because I know I am getting closer and closer to the end of the line. At any moment a decision will have to be made. A journey will come to and end. There most likely won't be a baby at the end of this journey. I'm scared as hell about that. I'm not ready to stop trying. At the same time, I'm ready to stop hurting.

I try to put my fears out of my mind because when I start to think about where I am and where I'm most likely going to end up, it's just depressing. I don't like feeling depressed therefore I stop thinking about my infertility. There's going to come a point where I will have to face the reality of this situation. But I'm just not ready to go there right now. I'm too afraid to find out how quitting will really affect me and my daily life and my relationship with my husband. I don't think it will be pretty. I'm holding out as much hope as I can but it's wearing ever so thin.

I've been the perfect candidate for a surprise miracle BFP so many times and come up empty handed. Circumstances in my life over the passed several years have yielded many opportunities for good to come from bad. It has yet to happen that way. And I know that God doesn't always work in that way. But you know what? It would be nice if He did sometimes. And I know I should not question Him or His plans, but I'd really love to know if my suffering will be rewarded in the end or if I just need to stop torturing myself and accept what I have.

Where is my infertility manual when I need it?

I really need to do a Happiness post today. I'm feeling really down and angry and hopeless so I need to grab onto some goodness to help me get by. Stay tuned and I promise to be a bit more upbeat this afternoon.


Leslie said...

I am so sorry. Sending many (((hugs))) to you. Hope you can do something fun this weekend. Thinking of you.

Fran said...

oh I'm so so sorry...damn troll!

Alex said...

I'm sorry AF came - that sucks.

A said...

I agree wholeheartedly- of course God doesn't always have to work in those stereotypical miracle-begging situations, but it sure would be nice.

I am so sorry about damn AF. Blah.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry, TJ!! I wad really holding out hope for you this cycle. Don't feel like you need to be in a better mood for us - we all know how it is. And I know it's hard to hold out hope for a natural BFP but my first RE told me I had zero chance (technically 2% bc they're obligated to say that, but really no chance bc of my ovarian reserve, age, history etc) and out of nowhere I had a natural BFP last summer. Don't give up that last breath of hope, even if you feel it's time to shift priorities a little bit.

Patricia said...

Sorry AF arrived......I wish there were answers for you to find. Hang in there and treat yourself to something nice.

Pie said...

Damn, TeeJay, I'm sorry she showed up. It is so frustrating - and there is no good answer to "Why?" which just makes it worse.