Monday, June 21, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again...time to check out some new blogs and leave some comments and find some new friends. I have conflicting feelings about this time of the month.

I love it because I love having new people check out my blog and making new connections and I also love finding new blogs to read and follow.

I don't love it because it just shows me how many women are out here suffering from infertility...in many forms. And it breaks my heart to read their stories sometimes.

I'm an infertile woman. I've never seen 2 lines. I've been trying to conceive my first child for almost 10 calendar years. There was some time off due to a break up of my first marriage. I've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. The anniversary of which is fast approaching. I have been diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.

But is that really a diagnosis? I don't think so. Would a doctor tell you that you have broken a bone but he's not sure which one? Would he tell you that you have cancer but not tell you where? I don't think so.

We live with this so called diagnosis because it's all we have. My theory is that I have bad eggs. I'm only 34 (just turned last month) so it's not because of my age. And both husband's swimmers checked out fine. I'm a fast responder but a low responder. I only had 5 follicles for my IVF with 4 eggs. Of those 4 only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized normally. The 3rd let in 2 sperm...hence my self diagnosis of bad eggs. We transferred 2 perfect 8-celled embies on day 3. I peed on that stick with such trepidation. The air in the bathroom was so thick I could barely breath. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear every beat in my head. My hands were shaking as I picked up the stick. Deep down I knew that it would be negative but at that moment I was ready to cry tears of happiness. The tears came, of course. They were not happy tears. They were devastation tears. The one line on that test stood for our one last chance at medical help for a baby. The money was gone and we were on our own.

I wish I knew what happened to my 2 embies. I wish I knew if they arrested or if maybe I have a lining problem and they couldn't implant. I miss them every day. I think about where they would be right now had at least on of them stuck around.

So I'm here. And I'm infertile. I'm on CD5 today. I'm hoping my OPK's get here (I ordered them last week from Amazon) before I need them. My cycles have been a bit unpredictable since my IVF last year. Not sure how much of that has to do with me getting older or maybe my thyroid medicine but that is a whole other topic I need to get into.

Not only am I infertile, but I'm a step-mom to a 9-year old boy known on here as the Little Guy. It's hard but wonderful at the same time. I blog about those struggles from time to time also. He's a blessing for sure.

This post is a bit all over the place and not exactly what I had planned for today but sometimes my mind is all over the place and I just start rambling.

So I'd like to welcome any new readers and also thank my regular readers. You guys really are the best bloggy buddies out there and I always look forward to your comments/suggestions/advice/support. You have really helped me out this passed year and I'm so glad I found you!

5 comments:

Alex said...

I hate Unexplained Infertility - I think it's a bogus explanation. I think it's because the docs haven't run enough tests... But that's just me - have fun in ICLW

Bummed Uterus said...

I hate unexplained too. Stupid uterus. Well I wish you luck and hope our UIF will fade like old movies and blue jeans...

Leslie said...

I just wanted to say hi and let you know I am thinking of you!!

TwoDogMama said...

ICLW - Your IVF cycle sounded like my first. I have no fallopian tubes (removed after misdiagnosed ectopic - 1st pregnancy, then infection-long story), but I was the PERFECT candiate for IVF. LOL I was 29/30 and everything looked perfect. 1st cycle - 4 eggs (some good eggs ovulated early?), 2 immature, one did not fertilize, and one let two sperm in. 2nd cycle - all eggs ovulated early. Every RE in town said I had bad eggs and use an egg donor. After extensive immune system testing and other stuff we moved on to adoption. I know that is not for everyone, but we could not take it anymore. We are hopefully adopting a newborn girl due anytime. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get an answer to your infertility. That would frustrate me to no end. Good luck.

Waiting Lisa said...

I am so sorry you have been through so much and are still waiting. My husband and I have been dealing with IF for 7 years. The last two of them we have been waiting for an adoption. (We are doing domestic infant adoption.)

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!