Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Searching and Finding

I have my blog set up with Analytics. It's a tracking system of sorts for anyone that isn't familiar. It gives oodles of information about how your blog was found (keyword, search engine, direct, etc), how many hits its had, what ISPs those visits are coming from...way too much information. I go there once a week or so and check out what keywords are being used to find my blog. I read Murgdan's blog and she used to do a post called Keyword Salad in which she would post some of the hilarious ways people have stumbled upon her blog. If you get a chance, check out some of her old posts. She hasn't done any in a while, what with giving birth to a beautiful baby boy 3 weeks ago and all, but it's definitely worth your time. This leads me to my post today.

Whenever I check out the keywords on my Analytics page, I feel really bad. The posts that get the most hits week after week after week are the ones from after my IVF transfer. Most notably, 10dp3dt and 12dp3dt. I know that these women are looking for something positive to read and unfortunately, I failed. I know some of them have tested because their searches include phrases like "12dp3dt bfn any hope" and "12dp3dt neg hpt positive beta". I feel so bad for them. I know when I was going through it I did the exact same thing. I was searching for hope but most of the time I was finding that I should trust my hpt. And that sucked. And I'm sure it sucks for them.

Most of them don't spend much time on my blog after that first initial hit. I'm not what they were searching for. They wanted to find success stories. And I don't blame them. It's what we all want. We want to believe that this IVF thing works for most people. When I was going through it I found way too many non-success stories. Way too much heartbreak. The truth is that IVF does work, but for a lot of people it takes going through it 2, 3...7 times. I was unaware that there could be so many failures. I learned pretty quickly, unfortunately.

And then a funny thing happened. The blogs I began reading...starting getting pregnant. Some from IVF, FET, DE and even some natural BFP's. And I was really happy for them. I still am. In fact, Murgdan (mentioned above) is the first one to actually give birth so far. And funnily enough, she was the first blog I started with. I can't be more happy for her. She gives me hope that people can suffer and then overcome infertility in the grandest way. And there are several more that I'm reading that will be giving birth within the next 3 or so months. And that makes me happy for my other bloggers. I have so much hope for you all.

And so my heart goes out to those women that are searching the web for hope and stumble upon my failure. I wish I could give you the answers you are looking for. I wish I could give you the hope you so desperately are trying to hang on to. I hope that you find enough success stories to fill your heart with hope that it CAN happen for you. YOU can succeed. YOU can overcome this beast. Don't give up. Keep searching. And maybe you will find what you have always wanted.


Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I hope and pray with all my heart that if you keep up with this blog, you'll be that blog that googlers stumble upon that gives long-timers hope. You are now, more than you realize, with your attitude and outlook, but I'm hoping that you will also be with a hard-fought bean someday soon.

Alex said...

What a great post. Very fascinating about who stumbles onto your blog. Great thoughts. Everybody's time will come eventually, in whatever form it takes. Your attitude is amazing.

Anonymous said...

I used to stumble across blogs and read them from back to front, not even looking at the current post, hoping to eventually find that they got their BFP. There were a few blogs I read that I thought SURELY would have a happy ending...and I was devastated when they didn't. Murgdan was one of them. I, too, am happy to see some of them finally have success! I hope you and I are one day a source of hope for some lone googler.

A said...

I definitely have googled those phrases!! What a great reflection! Still praying we'll end up successful at some point (HUG)!

Stephanie said...

Great post! I know I have been on the other side of the fence (the infertility side) for much longer than this side. Sometimes, I wish I had started blogging earlier than I did, but emotionally I just couldn't even handle talking about it most of the time. But, I feel like I could have shared so much more of the real, nitty-gritty struggles and emotions of being infertile. I have always hoped - since beginning my blog - that even though I am now expecting, someone will be encouraged to keep up the fight for the dream. I have and continue to enjoy reading your blog, and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Never give up on your dream, Teejay! It is making you the amazing woman that you are today.