Tuesday, September 1, 2009

My Countdown

I was just about brought to tears this morning on my way to work. I ride a bus a fairly long distance and listen to the radio and look out the window in the mornings. Today, just as I was glancing down at traffic, a car went by that had a beautiful baby boy in the back seat. The car seat was turned around so I got a full shot of this precious bundle. He couldn't have been older than 3 months. There was a woman sitting next to him playing with him...she would put her hand out and he would hold onto her finger. There was a woman passenger in the front seat and a man driver so I don't know who the baby actually belonged to, but he was wide eyed and alert and small and cuddly and I wished I was his mother.

Just seeing that cute little baby in his sleeper made me so sad. I should be about 8 weeks pregnant right now (10 if you count from my LMP) and instead I'm sitting here with my IVF math running through my head. If you were reading back then, you will remember I had:

5 follicles
4 eggs
3 mature
2 fertilized
(1 baby)

Well, that should have left me with 1 baby. It's the perfect countdown. On the day of transfer all of that came crashing down when I heard that 1 of my eggs fertilized abnormally...it let in 2 sperm. At the time I put all of those thoughts out of my head because I couldn't think negatively or else it would never work. I had to stay positive and put that abnormal egg out of my head. It keeps coming back. I know it sounds dumb, but it's what my mind came up with to figure this out and find a "sign" and a "formula" and all that good stuff that I cling to relentlessly. So now my countdown looks like this:

5 follicles
4 eggs
3 mature
2 fertilized (normally)
1 fertilized (abnormally)
0 babies.

The end. It played out so perfectly on paper. Why did 1 have to fertilized abnormally and mess the WHOLE thing up? I know, I know...I'm being irrational. I can't help it. Everything was going along fine until that 1 bad egg spoiled the bunch.

But I guess I'm a fighter or a dreamer or a delusional broad because it's not really the End for me. Not yet. My opk strips shipped today and I hope to have them by Thursday or Friday as THAT is when I NEED them. I'm such a procrastinator that I will probably not get them until next week and have to save them for next cycle. See? I'm also a realist as I am planning for next cycle. Or does that make me a pessimist? Either way, I'm obviously not full of Hope anymore. But yet I keep going.

In non-TTC news....the builder is digging our basement and putting the forms in today to start pouring all the concrete! I'm going to swing by there this evening before heading home to get some pictures and check on their status. We are really making progress now!


NoodleGirl said...

Every now and then during my TTC journey, I would see a baby. Not necessarily the cutest baby or the smiley-est baby, but just one that grabbed me more than others. And I simultaneoulsy fell in love and felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. It's so hard to travel about in the world and have your greatest wish dangled in front of you.

And that last IVF is NOT the end for you. I refuse to believe it, too. For me, yes, the BFP was a miracle. But I also believe it had alot to do with having been on my vitamins (B6, EPO, Vitamin E, Selenium) for 3 months at that point and being the first natural cycle when I temped from beginning to end. I knew 100% that I O'ed on CD15 during that cycle. And I had always thought in the past that I O'ed on CD11 or 12, because that's usually when I started getting OPK+. Could it really have been as simple as getting my dates wrong and pooping out on BDing just as I was Oing? Who knows? I'm sure not, God knows I have the laziest ovaries on the face of the earth, for anyone below age 80. But it makes me wonder how many natural cycles I missed an opportunity.

I think your natural plan will work, with the right awareness of what's going on each day. I'm sending you tons of P&PTs that it happens sooner rather than later!

TeeJay said...

Thanks so much NoodleGirl! I think your story is actually what has helped me get this far and keeps Hope alive in me. And I mean that. I'm hoping that things will fall into place and that it will happen for me. I'm going to keep going as long as I can.