I was just about brought to tears this morning on my way to work. I ride a bus a fairly long distance and listen to the radio and look out the window in the mornings. Today, just as I was glancing down at traffic, a car went by that had a beautiful baby boy in the back seat. The car seat was turned around so I got a full shot of this precious bundle. He couldn't have been older than 3 months. There was a woman sitting next to him playing with him...she would put her hand out and he would hold onto her finger. There was a woman passenger in the front seat and a man driver so I don't know who the baby actually belonged to, but he was wide eyed and alert and small and cuddly and I wished I was his mother.
Just seeing that cute little baby in his sleeper made me so sad. I should be about 8 weeks pregnant right now (10 if you count from my LMP) and instead I'm sitting here with my IVF math running through my head. If you were reading back then, you will remember I had:
Well, that should have left me with 1 baby. It's the perfect countdown. On the day of transfer all of that came crashing down when I heard that 1 of my eggs fertilized abnormally...it let in 2 sperm. At the time I put all of those thoughts out of my head because I couldn't think negatively or else it would never work. I had to stay positive and put that abnormal egg out of my head. It keeps coming back. I know it sounds dumb, but it's what my mind came up with to figure this out and find a "sign" and a "formula" and all that good stuff that I cling to relentlessly. So now my countdown looks like this:
2 fertilized (normally)
1 fertilized (abnormally)
The end. It played out so perfectly on paper. Why did 1 have to fertilized abnormally and mess the WHOLE thing up? I know, I know...I'm being irrational. I can't help it. Everything was going along fine until that 1 bad egg spoiled the bunch.
But I guess I'm a fighter or a dreamer or a delusional broad because it's not really the End for me. Not yet. My opk strips shipped today and I hope to have them by Thursday or Friday as THAT is when I NEED them. I'm such a procrastinator that I will probably not get them until next week and have to save them for next cycle. See? I'm also a realist as I am planning for next cycle. Or does that make me a pessimist? Either way, I'm obviously not full of Hope anymore. But yet I keep going.
In non-TTC news....the builder is digging our basement and putting the forms in today to start pouring all the concrete! I'm going to swing by there this evening before heading home to get some pictures and check on their status. We are really making progress now!