Thursday, September 10, 2009

Trying to Make Sense of Things

Please head on over to Peanut Noodle's blog and lend her a hug. She has suffered a terrible loss after what seemed to be such a miracle. Life is so unfair. I will never understand why things like this happen. I'm a religious person. I'm a spiritual person. I don't attend church but I pray and I believe and I have faith. I try to be a good person and I try to instill good behavior and ideals into the Little Guy. I believe that God has plans for people. I believe that we don't always know those plans and that is why we have FAITH. I believe that God creates life. Yes, many people get pg with ICSI which is technically MAN creating life (because I believe life starts at conception)...but ultimately it's God's choice of whether or not it implants. These are just MY beliefs. I don't judge others or try to make them believe MY way. I hope I don't offend anyone with my beliefs. That being said....why oh why would God let life begin and then take it away? If he has no intention of letting a baby be born, then why let it implant? Why let it live for 5-10 weeks and then DEVASTATE the mother/father/family? I know, as a Christian, I am not supposed to ask WHY. I can't help it. I have read too many blogs lately where bad things have happened to these families and it MAKES.NO.SENSE. If our plan is to not ever have a baby, then don't let us get a BFP. It's that simple.

I had a friend tell me once that if I was meant to stay childless that she believed God would "take away" my desire for a baby. If only that were the case. She has PCOS along with a couple more health issues and knows she won't have a baby. She has never wanted a baby. She doesn't get the desire. She thinks she wasn't meant to have a baby and that is a good thing because she doesn't want one anyway. I'm glad that way of thinking works for her.

I have 2 friends at work. One is 45 and has 2 kids that have both graduated HS and are now in the world. The other is 48, has been married for 3 years (1st marriage) and has had 4 miscarriages in that time. She is desperate to have a baby...yes at her age. She comes from a very large family and would love nothing more than to have at least 1 baby for her and her husband. Friend #1 thinks she's crazy and wonders why she would want to go through that at her age. I understand. The desire never goes away. She won't be having a baby because she was recently diagnosed with fibroids in her uterus and now has to have a full hysterectomy. It's very sad and emotional. I agree, she is very advanced in age, but I understand her desire for the one thing that is still eluding her. I guess God's plan for her is pretty evident. Friend #1 doesn't understand because she has "been there, done that" and doesn't see what all the fuss is about. I wonder what her life would be like if she had struggled for many years to have her 2 beautiful babies instead of getting knocked up in less than 3 months of trying each time. Again, I guess it's not my place to wonder why.

It sucks. IF sucks. Loss sucks. Having a dream ripped from you in such a cruel way sucks. Are you sensing a pattern here?

So here I sit in the 2ww wondering if we got lucky this month. FF says I ovulated Saturday. According to history I would say I ovulated Friday. We did the deed Friday night and maybe some stragglers were hanging around from Tuesday's rendezvous so there is a small chance I guess. But right now, all I can think of is my friend that just lost her Peanut and how I wish I could give her a hug and make all of her pain go away.

2 comments:

callmemama said...

It is just the most horrible thing ever when you see someone who struggled so hard to get pegnant, was "blessed" with a miracle pregnancy only to have that ripped away. It is NOT fair.
I don't believe that some people are just not "meant" to have a baby. It's different if you never wanted kids - that's fine because you probably aren't in the right frame of mind to parent anyway, but wanting and being told you aren't "meant" to have them? That's a load of crap. Some people will have the desire for a baby until the day they die.
Sorry I'm venting here, but...poor Peanut. It's just not fair.

Pie said...

It isn't fair. It's awful. I don't know why. I'm not a very religious person, not in a traditional sense, and I can't find understanding in all of this sadness either. Maybe someday, in some lifetime, it will all make sense. Right now, not so much.