Thursday, September 10, 2009

Trying to Make Sense of Things

Please head on over to Peanut Noodle's blog and lend her a hug. She has suffered a terrible loss after what seemed to be such a miracle. Life is so unfair. I will never understand why things like this happen. I'm a religious person. I'm a spiritual person. I don't attend church but I pray and I believe and I have faith. I try to be a good person and I try to instill good behavior and ideals into the Little Guy. I believe that God has plans for people. I believe that we don't always know those plans and that is why we have FAITH. I believe that God creates life. Yes, many people get pg with ICSI which is technically MAN creating life (because I believe life starts at conception)...but ultimately it's God's choice of whether or not it implants. These are just MY beliefs. I don't judge others or try to make them believe MY way. I hope I don't offend anyone with my beliefs. That being said....why oh why would God let life begin and then take it away? If he has no intention of letting a baby be born, then why let it implant? Why let it live for 5-10 weeks and then DEVASTATE the mother/father/family? I know, as a Christian, I am not supposed to ask WHY. I can't help it. I have read too many blogs lately where bad things have happened to these families and it MAKES.NO.SENSE. If our plan is to not ever have a baby, then don't let us get a BFP. It's that simple.

I had a friend tell me once that if I was meant to stay childless that she believed God would "take away" my desire for a baby. If only that were the case. She has PCOS along with a couple more health issues and knows she won't have a baby. She has never wanted a baby. She doesn't get the desire. She thinks she wasn't meant to have a baby and that is a good thing because she doesn't want one anyway. I'm glad that way of thinking works for her.

I have 2 friends at work. One is 45 and has 2 kids that have both graduated HS and are now in the world. The other is 48, has been married for 3 years (1st marriage) and has had 4 miscarriages in that time. She is desperate to have a baby...yes at her age. She comes from a very large family and would love nothing more than to have at least 1 baby for her and her husband. Friend #1 thinks she's crazy and wonders why she would want to go through that at her age. I understand. The desire never goes away. She won't be having a baby because she was recently diagnosed with fibroids in her uterus and now has to have a full hysterectomy. It's very sad and emotional. I agree, she is very advanced in age, but I understand her desire for the one thing that is still eluding her. I guess God's plan for her is pretty evident. Friend #1 doesn't understand because she has "been there, done that" and doesn't see what all the fuss is about. I wonder what her life would be like if she had struggled for many years to have her 2 beautiful babies instead of getting knocked up in less than 3 months of trying each time. Again, I guess it's not my place to wonder why.

It sucks. IF sucks. Loss sucks. Having a dream ripped from you in such a cruel way sucks. Are you sensing a pattern here?

So here I sit in the 2ww wondering if we got lucky this month. FF says I ovulated Saturday. According to history I would say I ovulated Friday. We did the deed Friday night and maybe some stragglers were hanging around from Tuesday's rendezvous so there is a small chance I guess. But right now, all I can think of is my friend that just lost her Peanut and how I wish I could give her a hug and make all of her pain go away.


Anonymous said...

It is just the most horrible thing ever when you see someone who struggled so hard to get pegnant, was "blessed" with a miracle pregnancy only to have that ripped away. It is NOT fair.
I don't believe that some people are just not "meant" to have a baby. It's different if you never wanted kids - that's fine because you probably aren't in the right frame of mind to parent anyway, but wanting and being told you aren't "meant" to have them? That's a load of crap. Some people will have the desire for a baby until the day they die.
Sorry I'm venting here, but...poor Peanut. It's just not fair.

Pie said...

It isn't fair. It's awful. I don't know why. I'm not a very religious person, not in a traditional sense, and I can't find understanding in all of this sadness either. Maybe someday, in some lifetime, it will all make sense. Right now, not so much.