Thursday, July 9, 2009

You are Always on My Mind

I can't stop thinking about my 2 fertilized embies. I even had a dream about them. A good one. However, my mind won't stop filling with the nightmare that both of them will be gone by the time Friday gets here for my transfer.

There are many theories and opinions about when life actually begins. I'm one of the people that believes life begins at conception. Therefore, I have 2 "babies" waiting for me at the clinic. I know to many of you that sounds ridiculous. I can't help it. I've never known for sure that any of my eggs had fertilized. This is as close to motherhood as I have ever been and it's freaking me out. I'm sitting here waiting for my nurse to call me and schedule my transfer for tomorrow. However, in the back of my head all I can think of is that she's going to call me and tell me that they are gone. I don't know how I will handle that news. Probably not well.

I talked to my dad yesterday afternoon and he was just as excited to hear the news of our fert report. He told me that I need to be treated very delicately after the transfer. He also asked why they didn't put them back yesterday if they had fertilized. He called me at 7:30 this morning (6:30 his time) just to say hello and talk about a big dog he saw in his yard. I think he's just as antsy as me about the phone call today and he just wanted to touch base with me.

If she calls as early as she did yesterday I will hear from her in about an hour. I'm looking forward to it but I'm dreading it at the same time. Infertility sucks ass. I just want my babies. I want them inside me where they are safe and loved and cared for. I know that they may not implant and that is scary enough. But at least they will be with me and for a day or two or three I will be "technically" pregnant. I want that feeling. I need that feeling. I need to know that I'm doing everything in my power to help those two embies thrive and live and make it into the world. I hope the call goes well.

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