So here I sit....10dpo(egg retrieval) and wondering if I dare pee on a stick this weekend. My IVF seems like a dream to me. As though it happened to someone else. It was here and gone before I knew it (even though it took a very long time to get to that point) and now I'm at a crossroads.
I've never been a pee stick addict. I've never had to be. My period always gave me good signs that it was on the the way. I'm also a spotter. I start spotting a day or two before the witch actually shows up. On the few occasions that I haven't started spotting, I have attempted to test. And by attempted, I mean I buy the test and when I go into the bathroom to use it, that is when she shows up. Either right before I pee on the stick or right after...on the toilet paper, laughing in my face at the wasted money and hope. Bitch.
But now, I don't know if I can pee on the stick that will change my life....either for good or really, really bad. If I don't see a second line, I will be crushed. This IVF was our only and last option. I obviously can't conceive on my own or with IUI's. I like the euphoric state I'm living in right now (see previous post about Hope) and I don't want it to end. But then I think of how wonderful it would be to see 2 lines. Those 2 lines that I've never seen before. The magical 2 lines that mean the WORLD. I know that today is too early to test...but I could test tomorrow or Sunday and I think I'd get an accurate reading...maybe.
Here's what I've been experiencing:
* 2.5dp3dt - started getting cramping on left side...sort of a pinch - this continued regularly until Tuesday afternoon
* Have felt some "twinges" on and off in the uterus area - both sides, sometimes feeling like period cramps, other times feeling like my ovaries
* Increased appetite off and on
* Very thirsty
* Woke up two nights (not last night) in a row to pee - not normal for me
* Tired and feeling worn out
* Moody - pretty early for PMS moods right now
* Lady lumps started getting tender yesterday - and it's very strange because my left one hurts more than my right one.
Mind you, all of this can pretty much be explained away with the progesterone and the estrace. THAT is what makes this so.damn.difficult. I have one FR test at home that stares at me every morning when I open the cabinet to get my Endometrin. I have contempt for that damn thing and I just want to use it to get it out of there. I just don't know what to do or when to do it. I have googled symptoms for my time frame. I have chosen to overlook the blogs and message board posts that report a BFN when experiencing my symptoms. I have decided only to read about the ones that ended with a BFP. That's productive, right? I don't know if I can make it without testing but I don't know if I want to test before Thursday.
Why do I have to be so wishy washy??? Why isn't there a clear cut answer for this? Why do I have to make everything so damned complicated??