I feel like I'm breaking up with the greatest love of my life. I thought that I was mourning a "lost" child but now I realize it's more like losing a relationship. I haven't felt this way since h1 and I split up. I feel alone, scared, uncertain of my future, a little useless, a little worthless and definitely like a failure. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well and I'm having a hard time concentrating on things or finding humor in anything. I experienced all of these things going through my separation. It sucks. I eventually had to get on a mild anti-depressant to help me keep my sanity and find joy in life again. I found great joy with BJ and the Little Guy. I weaned myself off my medicine and have been pretty much fine ever since. It took a few months but I got there. Depression runs in my family. My mother was diagnosed with Manic-Depression when I was a kid. There is now a fancy new term for it...Bipolar disorder. My older brother (from my mother and her first husband) has been down the depression road. My sister (from my mother and her 3rd husband) suffers from Bipolar disorder. She was recently diagnosed but I've known for years that she should be on medication.
I'm scared that I'm headed down that path again. All the signs are there. I'm aware enough of my moods to realize when there is a problem. I don't want to feel like this. The Little Guy was at our house last night and I did everything I could (laundry, dishes, shower) to avoid hanging out with him because I didn't want to cry in front of him. He has a sore on his foot that was really bothering him and he needed nurturing and babying and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't think he noticed anything as he and BJ were watching TV and goofing around, but I knew exactly what I was doing. Holding him and caring for him would have been too much for me to bear. I love him so much and it kills me that he's not mine and that I have to share him with his real mother. All of my feelings toward step-parenting are for another post.
We are going away this weekend for some tame family time with the Little Guy. I'm not really that excited about it. If we had to cancel I wouldn't really care. We are signing a contract on our new house today. I'm not looking forward to it in the least. These are not normal feelings. These are not normal "sad" feelings. This is depression creeping back into my life. I don't like it but I feel helpless to stop it right now. I almost feel like I DESERVE to feel this bad. Like I'm not worthy enough to be happy. I know in my brain that none of that is true, but I am helpless to stop these feelings right now. I know there is a grieving process that I must go through. I'm going to give it a little time and see how I do. If I feel like I'm getting worse or not improving a little each passing day, then I think I will go back to my doctor and see if they can help me. BJ and the Little Guy do not need to deal with such a slug. They deserve a happy lady of the house. That is what I'm going to strive to be...I know I can do it, I just might need some help.