Wednesday, July 15, 2009 it, hate it

I have been doing some research today about the quality of my embryos. I was told that they were 8-cell, grade 1, perfect. Every mother (petri dish or not) loves to hear that her "babies" are perfect. I decided to put that to the test and see if I was just being biased when I looked at the picture.

I am addicted to a TTC message board and have been so since my first IUI. I go there at least 20 times a day to check on things. These ladies are all very special to me. They are struggling in many ways and always find the energy and courage to be everyone else's cheerleader. I decided to check out the IVF board to see what kinds of embryos were "growing" for other women. There were many that had less than 8 cells on day 3 and some of them were actually growing at different paces. I found this very interesting. I guess I'm more of an IVF virgin than I realized. After reading the posts I decided to visit Dr. Google.

While I must say that my embryos are "textbook" in their growth, I also read that many successful transfers have been made with less than perfect embryos. Ok, now what? This is why I hate Hope. Good Hope has been swelling inside me since I heard that they were perfect. Now Evil Hope wants to knock me down a notch to remind me that just because they may look perfect under a microscope, they still may not implant. Why? Why would they NOT implant? There are a myriad of reasons, of course, but Good Hope will not leave me alone. She sits there and whispers in my ear...."you have PERFECT embryos, you are going to get pg". Then over on the other shoulder is Evil Hope whispering, "why would this work for you? do you REALLY think you are going to be a success story? your IUI's were just about textbook too, and you didn't get pg so what makes you think you will this time?" Stupid, mean Hope.

So I sit here quietly in my own little Hope World trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. How is that supposed to work? I'm afraid to be too positive because the let down will be that much greater if I fail. However, why do I think I'll fail? Something good CAN happen to me and I need to believe that.

Hope may be stupid and mean, but she's all I've got right now.

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