Monday, July 27, 2009

Confirmation and Other Happenings

My nurse called Friday and confirmed that there was nothing new to report from my negative pee stick. She apologized and asked what our plans were. I had nothing to say. She asked if I wanted to meet with Dr. M...if we wanted to talk to the financial coordinator about our options. I told her that I didn't think we would be continuing with their services and she apologized again and said that she wasn't trying to push us into anything. She said that if I needed anything or she could be of help to just give her a call. That was the end of the conversation.

I left work after that because I just couldn't concentrate on anything. I did a lot of crying. I called my dad and broke the news. He said an expletive and said he was sorry. I tried not to cry with him on the phone and I did an ok job, I must say. I got home just before BJ. It was nice. We laid on the couch and took a nap for about an hour or so. Well he did...I slept for maybe 15 minutes. But it was still nice to just lay there with him. He said he was sorry for everything and I just said "I know".

We went to his company bbq Saturday afternoon. It was hot as balls outside but the breeze coming off the Bay was fantastic. One of the contractors that BJ works with has a baby girl right around a year old. She was her little pink bathing suit and tan baby skin...she was a dream. I was never so glad to be wearing sunglasses. I teared up right away and almost excused myself from the conversation. I've never been sad to be around babies. I didn't like that feeling. We stayed for a while and then headed to a friend's house for another bbq that we were invited to. It's really a shame that I was in such a foul place because I passed up a SLEW of great food and I don't do that. I just didn't want to eat. I picked at some stuff but didn't get nearly the satisfaction that I normally do from food that other people prepare. I did some drinking and mingling and it was a good time. Although, every time I put the bottle of Smir.noff up to my mouth I couldn't help but think that I wasn't supposed to be drinking. I was supposed to be coming up with some excuse as to why I couldn't drink.

When we got home we sat down on the couch in our "sitting" room and talked for a while. I expressed my deep sadness and my inability to know how to live without the hope of a child. He said that he never thought the clinic would help. They only wanted our money. He said he'd give it another couple of years and then he was done. I told him we were done now because it wouldn't work on our own and he told me before that this was the last year and that now I will go on some kind of birth control. He again said no (and especially no to the pill for some reason) that we'd give it another couple of years and that we would have to time things better. I don't know where this came from. I also don't think I believe him. He has a slight "performance" issue when he knows I'm fertile. The natural trying that we have done has been difficult for me to time because I have to be sneaky about where I am in my cycle. I don't see that getting any better. I also don't see me going back to opk's, thermometers and charts. I just don't see any of it right now. I think I'm blinded by grief and loss. Maybe he was extra sentimental because he had enjoyed a few adult beverages, too. I don't know. I just don't know anything right now.

I went to the gym in my building this morning. Something I haven't done since I started stimming for my first IVF attempt. After my Pil.ates workout I laid on the mat with my face in my hands and cried. I was supposed to be doing Baby Yoga or something like that. I need time to heal and get over this before I even THINK about TTC naturally again. If I can't even be in the gym without crying over what "should have been", how do I expect to be able to dive in head first to a world that will suck the life out of me again? Not to mention the pressure and stress it will put on BJ and possibly our marriage? Like I said, I need time.


Eileen said...

I know that I have no words to say here that could possibly help. I am so very sorry that your cycle did not work. The possiblity of a childless future can seem so unbearable at times. I guess we just have to have faith that in time the magic will happen and a child will come to us when we least expect it, even if it is not from our own womb.

Anonymous said...

Oh I am so sorry...I was hoping that your early test was wrong.

I know that nothing I can say will help...I know.

Take all the time you need. Mourn. Cry. Scream. It all helps. Hang in will get through this. It sounds like you have an amazing, loving and understanding hubby to turn to for support. And remember...we're all here with you even if we can't HUG you IRL. **HUGS**

TeeJay said...

Thanks, Eileen. I pray that you are right. I'm so hoping things work out for you this cycle. You are obviously a very grounded and determined woman and I hope you get what you want. I'll be following along!

TeeJay said...

gotnewsforyou - (keeping you anonymous, but I know who you are :-) )I was hoping I tested too early too. I hate myself for hoping that but what else do we have but hope? Thanks for your support, I'm glad I have online buddies that really understand.