Wednesday, July 22, 2009

12dp3dt - A Title Escapes Me

I'm so dull right now that I can't even think of a title for this post. I went to bed at 10:30 last night. I had a stomach ache from hell and had to get up to use the bathroom twice before midnight. I still didn't feel quite right. I laid in bed for what felt like forever and then I finally fell asleep. I woke up at 2:30 and was awake until about 4:15. Then I woke up at 4:35 when the Little Guy came to get BJ because he had a bad dream. I was then awake until about 5:20 when I dozed off until my alarm went off at 5:35. What a fun night. I was so tired yet I couldn't sleep at all. I felt so numb and so lonely even though BJ was laying right next to me. My cat kept me company for a while but even having her close didn't relax me enough to be able to fall asleep. The strange thing is that I'm not that tired today. I wonder if this is what they call Insomnia? The desire to sleep but the body not actually shutting down to do so. I hope it doesn't continue. I hope it's just a fleeting side effect of my extreme gloom yesterday.

When the Little Guy went to take his shower I sat on the couch and said to BJ, "I didn't want you day to start as crappy as mine did so I'm telling you now. I tested this morning and..." I didn't need to finish. I couldn't finish. I started crying and he told me he was sorry. He put his arm around me and let me cry. He said he didn't understand why since there is nothing that has been found to be wrong with us that this didn't work. I had no answer other than I must have a bad uterus. I didn't get to cry all my tears because it wasn't long before the Little Guy came bouncing in the room and BJ wanted me to be "cleaned up" as to not bring any questions on. We didn't talk about it after that and haven't said anything today about it. I told him I would tell my dad Friday after the confirmed blood test. I asked my nurse (via e-mail) if I could skip the beta but she responded that their policy is to test because they need a negative result to make sure I'm ready to start my next IVF cycle. I didn't have the guts or the will to respond that we aren't doing another cycle so I left it at that. I will go in and let them stick me one last time and then be done with them. Although, I'm sure Dr. M will want to have a WTF appointment.

BJ thought that maybe I tested too early and I told him that it was 2 weeks after retrieval so the test should be accurate and to torture myself even more, I dug the stupid pee stick out of the trash can last night just to be sure the magical and elusive 2nd line hadn't appeared. No such luck.

So I guess I'm better today. I don't feel much of anything right now. I'm sure that will pass and more grief will set in but I'm going to take this hour by hour until I figure it out.


april said...

Im so sorry this has been such a long and horriable road for you. I really wish that 2nd line would have been there more than anything for you. There is nothing worse than seeing nothing. :( I'm going to miss you around the boards! You have been a huge encouragment to me and I really wish you guys nothing but the best and hope that you hear something different tomorrow!! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog!

I'm so sorry about your negative test. That's a shame they have to drag you in for a beta anyway :(.


Pie said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand, I've been there. It just seems so unfair, you go through so much with IVF, and to have it not work is so hard. I was a real mess after IVF #1 failed, so allow yourself that time to grieve.

((BIG hugs))

But, on the optimistic side, you do need to wait until beta, just to be sure. Keeping my fingers crossed tightly for you!

TeeJay said...

April - Thank you for your kind words. I will be hanging out on the boards for a while yet. I can't quit cold turkey. :-) I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Callmemama - I agree, I don't get it but I guess it's policy so why try and argue about it. I'm sending you some good O'ing vibes!

Pie - I hope you are right and that I get the shock of my life tomorrow. Thank you for your understanding and for stopping by.