Tuesday, July 21, 2009

11dp3dt - Hope Has Passed

I tested...negative. It doesn't get any more negative. The white space where my 2nd line should have been was the brightest, purest white known to man. I was dreading testing. I took the test out of the box last night right before bed so that I would have no excuse but to use it this morning. And this is TMI, but when I started "going" it wasn't coming out straight. So here's me in the bathroom chasing my urine stream with this stupid pee stick that I didn't want to use in the first place. But I finally got it and I let it sit there...and sit there...and sit there. I gave it plenty of time. I even checked it after about 10 minutes...still only 1 line, still blank, still mocking me.

I couldn't bring myself to tell BJ. He still doesn't know. He's in a meeting and then he'll be driving for a while so I will send him a text message. I know that's dumb and childish but I can't bring myself to say the words just yet. He'll call me and I'll start crying. Not exactly my favorite thing to do at work. We had so much riding on this. And not that I think I'm any different than anyone else that has been through this, but I'm going to act like I'm the only one that has gone through this. It's not often that I'm selfish and self centered and I think this instance provides me the perfect opportunity to make up for lost time.

This was our last, best, only shot at having a baby. Adoption is out because of the time and money it takes. Even though there is a tax credit, you have to have a big chunk of money to pay a lawyer and legal fees. Plus, trying to get a healthy newborn is like dodging raindrops. We obviously can't do this on our own. There's something wrong with my eggs or my uterus.

I'm having a hard time picturing my life without the Hope of having a baby. I guess I will get over it in time as I get older. I really don't know. I hope that it doesn't destroy me inside. I don't want to be one of those bitter people that can't be happy for others. But right now I'm dying inside. All my dreams are gone. No nursery, no baby shower, no growing belly, no ultrasounds with beating hearts, no name picking (although I already have names), no maternity clothes, no Baby's 1st Christmas ornament....all of it gone. I know I'm being very negative and that a "natural" conception COULD happen, but I'm a realist. There hasn't been one in 8 or so years of trying so I'm not expecting one now. I feel like I'm mourning the death of a child. A child that will never be.

I'm sorry to be such a downer, but this is place to be whatever and whomever I choose and today I choose to be devastated and sad and furious and heartbroken and negative and just plain down in the dumps. I'm hoping it will pass. I'm hoping I can find the courage to tell BJ that our 2 perfect grade 1, 8-cell embies didn't survive in my body. Not sure I can bring myself to do it today. I may need to wallow in my own self pity for a day.


Eileen said...

I was in tears reading this. My heart is breaking for you. Keep in mind though that I do know of several women who had negative HPTs and positive betas. I will keep the hope alive for you. *HUGS*

TeeJay said...

Thank you, Eileen. BJ is hoping that I tested too early. We will see. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Needless to say that if it comes back positive, no one will be more surprised than me. :-)