Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Physical Side

There are some definite emotional aspects of losing a pregnancy; I think we can all agree on that. Some of them I was prepared for, others not so much. Today, however, I want to talk a little bit about the physical aspects of what I am going through. Some of this is because I have stopped all the meds but the changes are still changes no matter the reason. I need to give a voice to some of these things and my blog is the perfect place to unload. I promise that not all of my posts will be downer posts but right now I’m a bit overwhelmed with my feelings and I don’t have the ability to let it out in my everyday life.

One of the first physical changes I have noticed is that I’m not nearly as tired as I was before. I miss the tiredness.

I’m not sickened by tomatoes anymore. This symptom was rather exciting to experience. I’ve read about and heard 100 stories about people that can’t eat one thing or another that used to be their favorite and it was really cool to have that happen to me. I wish tomatoes still made me feel sick.

I’ve had some really painful cramps with this period. There were a few times that I had to catch my breath because it felt like someone was stabbing my ovary or my uterus with a machete. This pain was tough to deal with as I knew it didn’t mean good things were happening in that part of my body.

As of this morning, my boobs have quit hurting. Mind you, they have been pretty damn sore since about the 3rd day of my birth control pills. The pain eased up a little after retrieval but then promptly started aching like crazy again shortly thereafter. I don’t think they actually had time to grow but they sure felt a bit more “solid” through this whole thing. I miss the boob pain. The pain was the last trace of physical evidence that I had that my body tried to create a life.

I am pad/panty liner free as of a few hours ago. I had been wearing a panty liner since the day after retrieval because of the progesterone suppositories. I was irritated by them and I was sick of oozing but I was hoping to have to wear them for several more weeks. I still needed them after I stopped the meds as there was some residual “exiting” going on. Then the period came.

My period was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it would be. I guess it’s true when they say a lot of early pregnancies terminate themselves ever before the woman knows she’s pregnant. I sure couldn’t tell that I had been on extra E2 or that my ute was trying to fill up for a baby. The period started Sunday morning and was pretty much gone by Tuesday morning, aside from some spotting. So this morning I took my liner off.

I had a rough evening last night. It was baseball practice night so BJ and the Little Guy were not home when I got there and it was my job to cook dinner. I reached to get the pot for the spaghetti noodles and saw the mail on the counter. It was only 2 things and as I picked up the first item I was sucker punched when I saw what the second thing was. It was a brochure from our local hospital. The front cover had a mom and her newborn and the words, “Thinking of having a baby?” I stared at it for a second and then promptly picked it up, tore it in half and threw it in the trash. I was so angry at BJ for leaving it there. My anger and hurt eventually built to a boiling point. When the Little Guy went up to take a shower I started crying. I couldn’t stop, I could barely catch my breath. BJ came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told him that it just really hurts and it gets to be too much sometimes. And he had the nerve to ask me “what does?”. I couldn’t speak. And then he said, “the baby thing?”. All I could do was nod. How could this man be so blind? He gave me a hug and I cried for a few minutes. I am shocked at how quickly he has recovered and apparently forgotten what just happened to us, to me. I told him it was really hard to come home and see that flyer from the hospital and he said he meant to throw it away. Really? The trashcan is about 5 feet from where he laid it down on the counter. I obviously can’t share my grief with him. He’s shown that he’s not emotionally available to me. I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good at dealing with people that grieve but I thought it would be different this time considering he lost something too. I was afraid of what a BFN would do to our relationship and now I’m even more afraid of what this loss will do. I’m too emotional and too raw right now to have to worry about my marriage so I’m just going to do my best to suck it up when I’m around him and do my grieving in private and on my blog. I love him too much to even think about losing him too.

A better post is coming tomorrow, I promise. There are other things going on in my life besides these recent events and they deserve some recognition, too.


Jen said...

I so feel for you right now. Everything you have said, was true for me as well last year. Men react very different than us when it comes to a loss - I had to remind my hubby this past March that is was the anniversary of it. I think it is because they didn't go through it - no attachment and no physical stuff. I used my blog too as a way to air my feelings and it helped alot. We are here for you and so understand what you are going thru. Big hugs.

A said...

i am sorry that your husband left that there for you and that he is seemingly over the loss of your baby already. i can only speak for my husband, but i think he would be the same way (strong hug, no tears), not because he isnt sad, but because that is how men are programmed to be- the stoic keepers of the family. it's not an excuse for not being sympathetic, because as you point out, he lost something, too, but i doubt many husbands would cry over the things we do when we are upset about IF-related things. i hope you can both find some common ground to share your grief and work through it together (HUG) and as always, praying for you lots (HUG)

This crazy life of mine... said...

I am so glad you have your blog to vent and get all this out. Hugs!!!

Allison said...

Oh Teejay. Immediately after our loss, my hubby insisted it was a "good thing" because it meant "it can happen."

(I know, right?)

I couldn't contain my sadness; I couldn't put on the happy face for him. I withdrew and was quiet. I cried more than he's ever seen me cry. When he asked what was wrong, I said "I'm so very sad. I know you don't understand it, but it's how I'm feeling and I need time to deal with this."

And it took time; a lot of time to start having more good days than bad days. So please, allow yourself time and to grieve. Don't deny it because he doesn't understand it. I hope you have a friend or family member who does. Lean on that person. That's my advice.


someday-soon said...

We are here to let all these feelings let it go...any time! I'm so sorry for everything you're going through right now {{{HUGS}}}

Mrs. Misfits said...

I'm here from LFCA and wanted to just say how much this sucks. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Amanda said...

I really identified with this post. I remember really missing my symptoms as they started to fade away after my miscarriages. I couldn't stand red peppers..and once I could start eating them again, I was like "did I really hate them that much?" And "were my boobs really that sore? Was I really that tired?" I wanted to feel all those things again, because I loved all of it.

I'm glad you have us to talk to and find support. It's hard sometimes with our husbands..they don't feel it as much as we do.

Alex said...

I'm so very sorry that your husband is reacting this way. Mine did not understand my grief at all when we lost our babies. It's so hard to go through - give yourself some time to grieve and feel what you're feeling.

Rebecca said...

Venting your pain and frustration is the right step to healing. Men don't often get what should be done right away as in the flyer from the hospital.

I understand the pain of your loss. I made it to 10 weeks 6 days but the twins were lost early on with the first dying almost right off at 5 weeks and the second only growing to 6 weeks.

My food aversions were peanut butter, tuna fish, and opening up a can of cat food to feed my cat.

Above all I wish I could help you through this time of grief. Sending you some happy thoughts and hugs.