This will probably be a very long and rambly type post and I apologize in advance. I've never been in this situation before and there is a lot going on inside my head and heart. I've only been able to release a few snippets at home so unfortunately I'm going to unload here. For those that want just the basics my number came back at 30.5. I have to go back in a week to make sure I'm at 0 and that I don't have an infection.
I had such hopes for this cycle. Everything was different this time and I just knew it work. I was mainly calm and relaxed and going with the flow. I even took time off work to help me maintain my new relaxed state. My monitoring appointments went well. I was still responding low, but consistent. My E2 was rising quite nicely and I had 5 mature eggs at retrieval. I had 3 embryos growing. I actually had a blast and an early blast on transfer day. They weren't great quality but I had them. I know you all know these stats already but somehow seeing it in writing makes it more real for me.
I had a really bad headache that usually means my natural hormones are dropping and that a cycle has failed. I was beginning to convince myself that my poor little, poor quality embryos didn't make it. I bought a 2 pack hpt on a whim. I saw the faintest of a 2nd line. I was blown away. I didn't know how to react. I didn't even tell my husband about that test. I still haven't. So I took another one and saw the line again. It was time to get a good quality test. The morning of May 1, 2011 changed my life. I saw a very distinct 2nd line. This was the first time I knew that we had made a baby. I was scared, excited, anxious, confused and many more emotions. This doesn't happen to me. I don't get the happy ending. I continue to suffer, to agonize, to watch everyone else get babies while my womb remains empty.
Then it got more real. I couldn't stop smiling. I touched my belly a few times and was overcome with such love and hope that I didn't know what to do with it all. I looked up my due date, January 7. I told Gizmo (my kitten) that he would soon have to share his mommy with another baby. As I was climbing up into BJ's truck I told him that he really needs to think about investing in the side steps because I'm going to be needing them if I'm to ever be able to ride in his truck. We went to 5 Guys for lunch on Sunday. I gagged when we walked in. I had to take my tomato off my burger in order to finish it. The fries were not appetizing, either. The texture of the tomato was not agreeing with me. I didn't even want to see it. I knew then that I was pregnant. (That's the first time I've said (or typed) those words). We had the Little Guy's baseball game that afternoon. He was playing his cousin's team so BJ's BIL was there along with the BIL's parents. It was so hard not to blurt it out to them. At the same time it was nice having that little secret.
Monday was a little scary for me when my test line wasn't as dark but after constantly googling and the help of my blog buddies, I calmed down and just accepted the fact that everything would be ok. Different tests, dehydration, some women have more HCG at night it seems, and so on. I was putting my positive hat back on. I even went as far as looking at the calendar for next year and figuring out that with my maternity leave and my saved up vacation that if I had the baby in early January, I wouldn't be going back to work until early May. What a lovely thought.
Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4:30 (for the 4th morning in a row) and couldn't go back to sleep my mind began to wander. I started thinking of what kind of furniture I would want in the nursery. I decided on white wood to keep it light and bright and "baby-like". And then I started thinking about things we would need and how I'd need to do all kinds of research on products and how I'd finally get to write a post asking the new moms what their favorite items were. I was thinking of how our 2 neighbors just had little girls and that our baby would get to grow up with them...instant friends. This was the first time I was looking forward to a beta with no anxiety (well, a little) and with hope. I couldn't wait to get that call. BJ met me for lunch and we ate and talked, it was nice. He actually told me that he had some butterflies, too. I again had to remove the tomato from my sandwich. This baby obviously does not like them as much as I do. I went home and BJ went back to work. He called me within 20 minutes saying that he was coming home. He didn't say it, but I know that he wanted to be with me for the call. As we waited we just sat on the couch quietly chatting. I told him it was only going to be good news...I just knew it. I was wrong.
Through tears I explained to him what the nurse said and what it most likely meant. He said he was sorry and he held me while I cried. He made a comment that hurt me more than it helped me when I told him I just didn't get how we could get this close and have it taken away from us. He said, "because those doctors are trying to play God." I didn't have the emotional will power to argue with him at that time. That discussion came last night but I won't get into that right now. We had a meeting at the LG's school shortly after the call so we hauled ourselves out of the house. Once we got back I googled the Hell out of low betas just trying to give myself some hope. It didn't really work. Most of what I read was bad. Most low betas were earlier than mine so it didn't really apply to me. Some people were panicking over a beta in the 100's and 200's. Really? Again, not helpful to me. The LG had practice and I was going to go since it was such a beautiful day outside but decided I didn't want to socialize with any of the other mothers. When BJ got home he said he was glad I didn't go because there was a pregnant woman there. I'm glad I stayed home too. It gave me a chance to beg God out loud not to take my baby. I don't have many "out loud" conversations with God, mainly they take place in my head. This night, however, required a certain octave.
I've never felt more desperate to hold onto something. I've been in love with this baby since I saw that first faint line. I know many people will say that it never was a baby...it was too early to be anything. I disagree. I saw the embryos. They didn't look good but they were alive and growing. I got a positive test, I got 4 positive tests and a positive beta. I will always think of this as my baby. I don't know why God chose this path for me. It's not something I will ever understand. I just have to learn to accept the fact that I am not meant to carry a child. The money is gone. There are no more options. Adoption is too expensive to consider and I'm not emotionally ready for that, nor do I know if I ever will be. I might consider donor eggs but that is another emotional roller coaster that I'm not sure I can deal with. I will admit that I'm thinking about it. Of course I'd have to take a loan from my parents for such a thing. I'm not ready to think of next steps yet. I'm not done getting over this loss and what this loss means for us. I know what a hard time I had last time when our IVF failed and I didn't get a positive test. BJ said he sort of wished I had never peed on any of those sticks. I'm glad I did it. I have this saying going through my head - it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I accomplished my goal of getting pregnant before my 35th birthday. I guess I should have been more specific with that goal. I now know what it feels like to really know that there is a life trying to grow inside me. I loved that feeling. I loved those 4 1/2 days. BJ and I had talked about waiting a while before telling anyone. I changed that plan to telling certain people as soon as we saw a heartbeat. I told him that we would probably get an u/s in 2 or 3 weeks to confirm a heartbeat. I was so excited thinking about ways to tell the LG and my parents. I'm debating on telling my parents this story anyway. I'd like them to know my pain so that they can offer support because I really need it. On the other hand I don't want to hurt them. I don't know what to do. There's so much more to write but I'm draining myself right now so I will end this here.
Thank you all so much for your support and your hope and your words of wisdom. I would be lost without all of you. If you've made it this far you deserve an award but all I have to offer is my sincerest of thank you's.