I can't seem to get myself together for a real post, so here is another jumble of thoughts and happenings. Thank you all for the birthday and anniversary wishes. It wasn't an easy time but it was still nice to be off work and spend the extra time with my family, and for that I am grateful.
• I had virtually eliminated caffeine from my diet during my 2ww. I’m not a coffee drinker but I like an ice cold diet cola at least once a day and when we go to dinner I usually get tea. I didn’t have access to a caffeine free soda one day while at work so I bought a regular bottled one and had a very small amount out of it, just to quench my craving. I put the lid on really tight and planned to take it home to BJ. I left it in my locker all this time. I opened it today and wouldn’t you know it still had its fizz after all this time? I wish I still had my fizz.
• The LG’s mother and her live in boyfriend of almost 3 years are splitting up. He’ll be moving out this weekend....into the basement of his ex (they were together for 14 years) and her girlfriend. Yes, you read that right...she left him for a woman and now he’s going to be living with them. He’ll get to see his kids every day and that is a great thing. Unfortunately, this almost eliminates his oldest son from hanging out with the LG. The LG idolizes/worships this boy. He’s 2 years older than the LG and the LG really “fell” for him. Even going as far as listing him as his step-brother on FB. It’s going to be a rough transition for him (LG). They will still see each other here and there, I guess, but it will definitely not be the same by any stretch of the imagination. Poor LG. The good thing is that he is with us this weekend and so he won’t be around to see the boyfriend moving out and his mother upset. The boyfriend is definitely nowhere near as close to the LG as I am so that is a good thing, too, I guess.
• We are having my SIL and her family over Saturday afternoon. I’m making an Italian Chicken Pasta Salad (thanks for the recipe, Nanci!! I finally made it a couple of weeks ago and we all loved it) We will be grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and I’m sure the boys will want to spend the night so we’ll see where it takes us. I’m looking forward to it as the more chaos there is the more my mind is taken away from my pain. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
• I was going to post on FB how shocked and pleased I was when my mother called me for my birthday but I didn’t. I knew it would spark major drama with my sister and brother and that is a shitstorm I didn’t want to start. Just to let it be known here, I am so grateful that my mom called me. I miss her so much and even though I know she wouldn’t be particularly at all comforting during this time, it would still have been nice to have her here to hug me and let me cry to her.
• I’m thinking of changing the name and the focus of my blog. I’m not sure what type of blog I will have now, but it won’t be a TTC blog as we are not trying anymore. (It kills me to type those words) I’m thinking of making this a focus on my family history...sort of an autobiography. I don’t know. There’s lots to tell and lots of pain to work through so I know I can fill the pages. Plus, we all know how wordy I can be. :-)
• I have been unable to throw away the last few Endometrin tablets on my bathroom counter. I have also not thrown away the empty boxes of Gonal-F and Menopur. It doesn’t really hurt to look at them for some reason. It actually brings a sort of comforting feeling. I know that probably sounds strange but it’s true. I also have a wonderful necklace (I’ll try to remember to post a picture of it) that was sent to me by one of my bloggy buddies (Thank you Esperanza!!) that I keep propped up on my bathroom counter. I look at it every morning and evening and think about what I had and it also brings me a sort of comfort. I look at the center part of the necklace and think about the soul that it represents and it makes me feel more connected in some way. BJ doesn’t quite understand this concept and that’s ok...he’s not the one that had the embryo inside of him. He’s not the one that was completely exhausted. He’s not the one that was sickened by tomatoes. He’s not the one that has been dreaming of a pregnancy for over 10 years. I forgive him this as he does not fully understand my pain. He lost something, but it didn’t change anything physically for him and he told me more than once that he would not believe it or get excited about it until it was confirmed viable by the doctor. I know he hurts for me more than he hurts for himself right now. I get that and I accept that.
• I have been enjoying reading the updates of the many new mommies out there. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief (as I know they do) that they have babies now...and some have more than one baby! I love seeing the pictures and knowing the joy that these women/families are now experiencing after such long roads of heartache and disappointment. Even though some of the posts are hard for me to get through, I use their joy as sort of a catalyst for myself. How can I feel sad after reading such great updates and looking at such wonderful pictures of perfect little miracles? That’s not to say that I’m not jealous or envious, but it doesn’t make me cry, it makes me smile a little and that is a good thing these days.