Monday, May 9, 2011

Trying to Move On

Hello everyone. I must say that I’m super impressed with how this community can pull together. Especially in times of crisis. Reading all of your comments last week really let me know how awesome y’all are. I’ve never felt more supported and understood. Thank you so very much.

Some of you may be wondering how I could get my hopes up so high so quickly. Let me explain. I’ve been waiting for a positive pregnancy test for 10 years. Yes, I was apprehensive to believe it at first. Once I saw that beautiful pink line (on my 3rd test) and when that was followed by my wanting to spit out any trace of tomato that entered my mouth I was ecstatic on the inside. Sure, I was a bit panicked when my 4th test line was lighter. The way I rationalized this whole process was like this: If God was going to let me get this far, with a positive test and food aversions, then He’d let me go all the way. I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing but I had no idea how quickly it’d be over either. I know I was foolish to get so attached so quickly. I was incredibly bold to think that it all would work out when I was weeks away from a heartbeat. I should have known better. Something magical happened to me when I saw those lines. I believed for the first time ever that this was my ticket to motherhood. I’ve always hoped and prayed and begged, but I’ve never believed it like I did for those few days. Looking back I can see how naïve I was but I just couldn’t help it. It was the happiest I have been in a long time.

We were supposed to go to BJ’s sister’s house Friday night for his nephew’s “family” birthday party. She’s having the “friend” party this weekend but I am unable to attend as I have a scrapbooking event. I told BJ how much I didn’t want to go. There will be lots of people, at least 3 toddlers and one baby. No thank you. We didn’t want to go in the first place because BJ will be taking the Little Guy to the “friend” party this weekend so why go twice? I told him to tell her the truth. So he did. He called me back and said how upset she was for us. She had an ectopic about 11 years ago so she knows a little about the pain of loss. The difference is that she went on to have 3 healthy babies pretty much at will. She called me after the party and we talked for a little while. She confided in me about something BJ said to her. He said, “(insert SIL’s name), I’ve never seen TeeJay like that...she was just glowing with happiness.” It broke my heart to hear that. Mainly because I was trying hard to stay focused and not get too carried away with my emotions. Major fail there. I obviously wear my emotions where everyone can see them. She said that she wished she had money to give us to try again. She’s very sweet and I’m lucky to have her as my SIL.

The rest of the weekend was pretty lame and laid back, exactly what I needed. We didn’t talk about it much. I had a few weak moments where I cried. We went out Saturday and I ordered an iced tea. And then after dinner I ordered a drink. I hadn’t had caffeine in over 2 weeks and I hadn’t had a drink in about 4 weeks. As I sipped them both I was saddened. I didn’t want them. I wanted to be pregnant and be avoiding drinks like that. Indulging in both of them did nothing but bring me down. I know this will get easier but right now it just plain sucks. I was raking the front yard again and thought, “Well, I don’t have to take it easy this time.” Tears again. I told BJ that even though it was nice to spend yesterday with him it was the worst Mother’s day I’ve ever had. My period showed up yesterday morning as the exclamation point that I am no longer pregnant. Nice, huh?

I sent my parents an e-mail today explaining what happened. I wanted them to know and I’m selfishly hoping they will offer to help pay for another method of expanding our family. I don’t hold out much hope on that front but maybe I’ll be surprised. I will probably hear from them later on this evening. I just really wanted them to know that we tried again and almost made it to the other side. There have been events in the past involving their children which they have wished they knew about so I felt that I needed to tell them this.

I’m still making my way through all the Mother’s day posts from over the weekend. I pretty much avoided most blogs this weekend but I’m slowly catching up and have even been able to comment on a few. Unfortunately, I didn’t think I’d ever be one of those girls that stopped following someone because they got pregnant but it happened. It wasn’t so much that this person got pregnant, it was more the fact that she was due 4 days after what would have been my due date. I just couldn’t follow along. Maybe that makes me selfish and silly but I don’t know of any other way to protect myself. Following blogs with babies and women that are well into their pregnancies is not having the same effect on me. Maybe I’ll get over that hurdle and it won’t be so hard, I just don’t know right now.


Anonymous said...

Tee Jay, I'm just catching up and I wanted to say how sorry I am. I don't have the right words, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you right now.

Mel. said...

I got all teary when I read what your DH told your SIL.... I had to quit reading about someone with almost the same due date after my m/c too, no one can fault you for that! It's most important that you take care of yourself right now. Sending tons more hugs your way, my friend!

Anonymous said...

Teejay, I am so sorry to read about your loss. Sending you so much love and strength as you come to terms with this.

Pie said...

It is just so unfair. Truly unfair. And I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it just sucks. (((((hugs)))))

Niccki1211 said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It just plain sucks. I hope your RE can give you some answers as to why it didn't work. Have you looked into possible immune issues? I've just recently started reading your blog. Check out it's a great blog by Dr. Sher.

someday-soon said...

{{{HUGS}}} I'm so sorry TeeJay! It is so unfair and I wish I had something to say that would make it easier. You are such a strong lady, I know you'll put one food in front of the other and make it through. I'm happy you reached out to your family, their support will be needed. Joey is such a sweet guy and I'm happy you have him there to hold you while you make it through this.

Rebecca said...

Not wanting to follow the blog of a pregnant woman is understandable considering what you are going through. Eventually you'll be able to look at her blog again but the pain is just too fresh. Recently a friend of mine got pregnant without trying like we have to try. I was so aggravated with her but not to her face. She was so foolish with all the meds she was on. I'm thinking how is it fair that someone like her can get pregnant and I can't? Still I'm showing her the best of support that I can though it does suck.

I'm really sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through what we do and still not have a baby to hold. Sending you happy thoughts for healing and hugs across the web.