Monday, May 2, 2011

11dp5dt - Really Scared Right Now - Updated**

**Going for my beta at 8:30 tomorrow morning.  My nurse said that if I had talked with her yesterday she still would not have let me come in today.  She also said that the results would be in around 1:00 and she tries to call all the beta patients first.  So by this time tomorrow I'll have my first number.  I'm sure they will want to do another one on Thursday or Friday.  I called my OB/GYN's office to reschedule my annual exam.  The receptionist said that if I get a good number tomorrow to call them and schedule my first real appointment.  She wished me luck.  It was so surreal to have that conversation and to talk about how "far along I am".  Me.  I had a phone conversation with BJ earlier and we were talking about gas prices and I how I'm pissed at our government for letting oil companies do this to us.  He said, "don't get yourself so worked up...you're pregnant."  Wow...strong words to hear out loud.  I couldn't help but smile big and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  I'm still feeling all the twinges and "full" in my ute area and I'm hoping that is a very good thing.  I am going to enjoy this feeling right now and just hope and pray for a good beta tomorrow.  I know it will be positive and I'm hoping for it to be above 100 at this point.  I'm not coming to work after the test as we have a meeting at the Little Guy's school in the afternoon.  I will update you guys as soon as I can.  Thank you all so much for your encouraging words.  I hate that IF has ruined us to always think the worst.  I'm going to try really hard to not let that be the case anymore.  I've gotten this far with staying pretty calm and letting my faith carry me through.  I need to try harder to let go of these fears.  You guys help a  a lot.  Thank you!

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Even though I have been trying to be level headed and calm about this...I am in love with the thought that there is a baby growing in me right now.  I can't stop smiling, inside or out.  I keep saying it in my head but have yet to be able to say the words out loud.  And this morning after I peed on my last FRER I was actually excited to turn it over.  I've never really been excited about a hpt before....more like scared and anxious and hopeful.  However that excited feeling quickly escaped my body as my heart sank and I saw that the line was lighter than yesterdays line.  It's definitely there and I don't need a magnifying glass to see it, but shouldn't it at least be the same as yesterday?

I've already been busy googling what this could mean.  Most of it is not good.  There have been a few people where it didn't make much difference but mostly, it's bad news.  One of my bloggy buddies actually commented that one of her tests were lighter several days after the initial positive.  That is encouraging but there's still all the other people that had a bad outcome.  I'm scared shitless right now while trying to stay positive.  That's an odd mix.  All I keep saying to myself and to God is please let this baby stay with me.  I've never been this close, I've never had these emotions before.  I've never felt like a mother until I saw those 2 lines for the first time on Friday.  I don't want this to end.

I debated buying more pee sticks and decided against it for now.  I might change my mind later but for now I can't bring myself to do it.  I called my clinic yesterday but the weekend staff would not let me move my beta up.  They said I had to ask my nurse today.  So I have a message in to her and I'm waiting to hear back on whether or not I can come in tomorrow.  I know it's only 1 day earlier but it's 1 day earlier.

BJ asked me this morning if the test was the same as yesterday's and I told him yes.  I didn't lie, it's still a positive test.  I didn't want him to start his negative thinking.  He does enough of that for 4 people.  I need him to believe that this is real as much as I do.  I told him that I was already attached and he asked me, "to the thought or to the baby?"  I said "the baby".  As the words were leaving my mouth my heart just grew with so much love.  He's still very reserved.  Last night before bed he told me that he wasn't going to believe it until the doctor told him it was real.

I woke up at 4:45 this morning unable to go back to sleep.  My mind was racing with thoughts of me having a baby in my uterus right now.  I was thinking about how I haven't had any caffeine since transfer (1 diet soda) and how I really need to drink more milk and we need to keep more fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and things like that.  And then I thought about how I'm a different person now.  BJ and I had a brief conversation last night after the LG went to bed.  I told him that it's not a false positive but that I wasn't sure how to deal with that.  I'm very good at being a sad, bitter, depressed infertile but I don't know how to be excited over a positive test yet.  He hasn't seen much of it except once last night he noticed I had my hand on my belly.  He commented about it and I just said that I've never had a reason to rub my belly and now I do.

I hope I do, anyway.  I felt so blessed when I first saw those 2 lines.  I have prayed for those 2 lines for 10 years.  To finally get them but to have them taken away from me will be too much pain to carry.  Please stick, baby....please.

16 comments:

A said...

i know how it feels to be scared- it is so bizarre, how long had we prayed for a positive test and then we we get one we dont know what to do with ourselves?!

i tried to email you, but there is not an email attached when you leave a comment.... so i uploaded a picture of all the FRER's that i took (ultrasound page on my blog). if you can notice, the 5w1d and 5w3d tests are slightly lighter than the 4w6d one. of course we are splitting hairs at this point, but it made me nervous, too. hang in there- try not to google. just try to focus on that TODAY you are pregnant. enjoy the feeling!!! (HUG)

Niccki1211 said...

A line is a line is a line. That's all that matters. I'm new to reading your blog, not sure how came to it, but wanted to tell you that my test at 6dp5dt compared to 7 & 8dp5dt were the same, they never got any darker yet my numbers went from an 18 up to an 86 in that time frame. You would think the line would get blazing red, but nope still just as faint as the first one. And I also used FRER and dipped method to make sure it picked it up. I hope yours turns out to be a real life baby. I can't wait to hear what your numbers are.

Amanda said...

I agree with A, try not to research it too much because as IFers, we tend to see a lot of 'worst case scenarios' when really, there are so many more happy stories out there. And we test A LOT..I'm sure plenty of fertiles would have the same results are you, but just don't think of testing as often. You are pregnant today and try to enjoy every second.

With that said, I hope you get your beta moved up, just so you can breathe easier knowing that everything is ok... xo

Alex said...

Of course you're scared - it's now so real! Everything changes when you finally admit that you're pregnant. Which you ARE!!! Don't read into those lines - they're really not a great indicator. Wait until your beta (hope you get it done early!) and rely on those numbers. And the most important thing is enjoy these moments. Yes, focus on drinking more milk and eating more vegetables and all the wonderful things you will do for your baby... Those are good things to focus on! Sending you calming thoughts...

someday-soon said...

Two thoughts....one is that the line gets a little darker when the test dries all the way (which takes 2-4 hours). So if you're comparing a dried test to a fresh test the fresh one will look lighter. Two, I POAS every day from 6dp5dt to my first ultrasound at 6w4d. I had a couple times where the test was lighter than the previous day too. The best I can figure is that it had to do with my hydration level or maybe even just a difference in the test strip. Keep those positive thoughts going, it's the best thing you can do for your baby =) Hope the nurse lets you move up the meta.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

A line is a line! Many things can affect the concentration of HCG in your FMU - how much and what you drank yesterday (sodas will dehydrate you, for example), what you ate yesterday (anything with salt will dehydrate you, etc). The gist is that you have an embie creating HCG, of that there is no question. At this point only the beta will tell you how strong your LO is at this point. Of the two HPTs I took with pregnancies, strangely the lighter line produced the higher beta number on the same day past O, and it was sky high. Try not to overthink and let's pray for a spectacular beta. I'll be thinking of you!! P&PTs!!!

someday-soon said...

Or beta that is =)

A said...

HI! if your stick this morning looked like mine on 2/2, you should really try not to worry- that was at 5w1d for me, and you are not even that far along!!! praying for you sweetie- keep us posted!!!!

Pie said...

Hang in there, TeeJay. This could be the most difficult, the waiting for confirmation. don't read too much into the varying colors of the line - as long as a line is there, it is there. Colors can vary test to test. As long as it doesn't disappear, you're good.

Anonymous said...

I agree with PP... try to stay positive until you get confirmation from your beta.

The thing about being pregnant after IF is that you never feel "safe".... first there is waiting for doubling betas, then a heartbeat, then NT scan, then anatomy scan and then and then and then. It's not fair but IF takes away some of the joy of finally getting PG.

Today you are pregnant and that is just wonderful. I hope that you get confirmation from your beta as soon as possible.

WaitWhat

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

Just wanted to wish you the best and that I hope you hear a wonderful beta soon!

Rebecca said...

Good Luck! I hope you have a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby.

This crazy life of mine... said...

Thinking about you this AM, will be checking back this afternoon for an update on your beta. So excited for you!!!

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Thinking about you this morning, cmon 100+ beta!!!

someday-soon said...

Sending tons of good beta vibes your way!!! Will be stalking you ;-)

A said...

checking up on you! praying for a great beta!!