There are now 2 people at work that know about the recent events in my life. For someone that really likes to keep things private I have managed to have 2 breakdowns at work in 2 days. Go figure.
The first person is a RPL girl. She married later than most of us and apparently started trying for kids right away. I don’t know her whole story but I know she had 4 miscarriages. She ended up having to have a hysterectomy last month and I feel so badly for her. She comes from a very large, very loving and all involved family and I know she wanted a child of her own in the worst way. She stopped by my desk yesterday afternoon to ask me if I had seen a coworker’s new baby yet. I said that I hadn’t and she said, “Oh, you have to come see her!” And I choked out the words, “I can’t” and she said, “but why??” And that’s when I lost it and confessed. She was very sympathetic and said the right thing, “I know there’s nothing I can say except that I’m so sorry.” She had a few questions and I answered them. She said how much she hates Mother’s day and I agreed. I felt a little better after letting that out.
Today is when the other person found out. It’s the same co-worker friend that I wrote about earlier when she called me out for not “being nice anymore”. I went into her office for something and she said, “I heard you laughing earlier, but it sounded really fake....are you ok?” And again the tears came and I blurted it out. She hugged me and at first was a bit excited for me as she said, “well at least you now know that you can get pregnant!” I had to explain everything to her. She knew there was nothing comforting to say to me so she just hugged me and said that I would be ok. Then she went on to suggest adoption. Not what I needed to hear. I had to tell her how expensive it is and she was very surprised. The more we talked the more we went down a road I didn’t want to go down. She said that she knows I’m hurting and she can’t even imagine my pain (all good) and then she said that for whatever reason, and she believes there is a reason, it’s just not in the cards for me. Ouch. As if I weren’t already starting to really believe that myself. She said that I have many wonderful things in my life (a fact not lost on me) and maybe I just need to focus on those things. Double ouch. She said that in her own life she has often wondered why some things happen to her and later on down the road she usually gets her answer and she understands why. She said that later on in my life I will understand why this happened and why I haven’t been able to achieve this goal. All true, but I don’t want to hear it. She was helpful and sympathetic, just a little too realistic for me right now.
It’s very strange, but I haven’t heard back from my dad or my stepmom after yesterday’s e-mail. I really expected a phone call last night or a response e-mail today. I haven’t gotten anything. I wonder what that means. I hope they aren’t mad at me for trying this again. And even though I was hoping they would offer to help finance another endeavor I don’t really expect my dad to offer up $30,000 for donor egg or adoption. In my e-mail I just stated how much those options were and complained about how the infertile community is completely taken advantage of. I clearly explained that I believed this to be the end of the road for us. I just hope I didn’t anger them in any way. That is the last thing I wanted to do.
Thanks again to all of my readers and commenters and e-mailers....you really do help and you make me smile real smiles. I know I will get through this and having you by my side will make the healing process more bearable.