Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm Still Here

Hi everyone.  Sorry I have been out of touch lately.  I was off work last week and sitting with the laptop on my lap just didn't seem appealing.  I have quite a few posts from you all that I need to catch up on as well as my commenting.  I definitely slacked on that last week, too.  I like to take all or at least part of that week off in May each year.  My birthday was Wednesday and our anniversary was Friday.  Plus, the weather is usually really nice during that time.  I'm working on about 8 posts in my head but for now I'm going to try and give you a brief (ha ha) rundown of how things have been going lately.

The Little Guy's mother went camping for almost a week in Dover.  She and her boyfriend love the races and they usually go to 4 or 5 races a year.  During this time she missed 2 of his baseball games.  He was in the lineup to pitch again.  He did a great job.  He even struck someone out!  We were so excited.  I sent a couple of texts to his mother to give her updates.  He didn't hit great that game but was very proud of himself for his pitching, as he should be.

I went to a scrapbooking crop (an event to work on scrapbooks) and finished 32 pages.  I didn't do much talking to the other participants because they were talking about their dogs and their kids and their extracurricular activities and I just didn't feel like I had a lot to contribute.  I chimed in here and there with stories about the LG but I feel like such a fraud when I do that.  One of my upcoming posts will be more on that feeling.  I ordered a special edition album for myself just in case our IVF worked and I ended up having a little girl.  The order was placed while I was stimming, I think.  When I saw it on the table I got a little choked up.  It will now be a gift for my SIL for her birthday next month.

We found out that the LG's teacher has leukemia.  She's being treated at one of the best hospitals around.  We noticed that he was having a substitute quite often so we were wondering what was up.  At a meeting at the school (second beta day) the Vice Principal told us she was having health issues and we didn't push the matter.  The LG's mom called me the next day with the diagnosis.  She knows someone that volunteers at the school a lot that spilled the beans.  It's very sad and it really lets us know that no one is immune from illness.  I'm hoping that she gets the treatment that will save her.  I don't want to tell the LG any bad news about his teacher.

My birthday was Wednesday and it passed without too much fan fare, which I'm fine with.  Besides the fact that I lost our baby 2 weeks before, it was my 35th birthday.  My cutoff date for any more trying.  Needless to say I wish the day never happened this year.  BJ forgot what day it was until after 2:00 (and after 3 phone conversations) when he called me and was very apologetic.  He knew it was my birthday but with me being off and not talking about it, it slipped his mind.  My mother even called me.  I about fell out of my chair.  My dad called, of course.  More on that later, too.  My SIL stopped by with a card, a balloon and a rose bush for me to plant.  I was thrilled that she remembered.  I am very lucky to have her.  I baked cupcakes for the first time ever.  I just made the cake mix out of the box and the icing out of the container but they were so yummy.  I even bought a piping bag and tips and frosted them!  Go me!  We went to dinner and then it was just an evening on the couch.

The LG went 4 for 4 at his game Thursday with a double.  It was very exciting.  It definitely boosted his confidence even more.

Our 4th wedding anniversary was Friday.  BJ was going to take off but he had a meeting in Annapolis at 1:00 that he could not miss.  :-(  As he was driving up there he called me and I said that he should have come back home to pick me up so we could hang together after his meeting.  He promptly turned around and drove 30 minutes backwards to come and get me.  He came in the door and said, "we should pack a bag in case we want to stay somewhere up there."  BRILLIANT idea.  I've never thrown an overnight bag together so quickly in my life.  We headed up there and he had his meeting and we hit the mall.  We browsed for a while and I saw a Pottery Barn Kids and decided to head in there to see if there was anything cool for the LG's room.  As I was looking around at the kid stuff I turned and saw that BJ had found a nice rocker/glider to sit in.  I walked over to him and he said, "you ought to try this".  My eyes started darting around to the back of the store and I noticed that BJ was sitting in front of a crib and all of a sudden my chest got tight and I didn't know where to look to avoid all the baby stuff that we had stumbled upon.  I said, "no...I need to leave this store now."  He looked around and noticed the crib and agreed with me.  When will this stop hurting so much?  We decided not to stay up there because even the Holiday Inn Express wanted almost $200 for the night.  We came home and showered and headed to Outback to use a gift card I had.  Our neighbors were there...the ones that supposedly don't like or want kids.  She pulls out a photo album and it's full of pictures of her newborn nephew.  I smile and get tears in my eyes as I'm flipping the pages.  One of BJ's coworkers is there, also.  His wife comes over with pictures of their new granddaughter.  REALLY???  Have I not suffered enough?  As I'm staring at each picture I just can't believe that I will never have one of these beautiful beings.  She looked at me and asked me if I was ok.  I said, "yes, I'm just enjoying the pictures."  Liar.

The weekend was filled with removing all of our front landscaping, tilling it, tilling around the mailbox, shopping for plants, digging holes, mixing dirt, planting and spreading mulch.  We live in an area that is mostly filled with clay.  Clay that you could make sculptures out of.  Needless to say, BJ had a really hard time digging all those holes.  Poor thing.  We are not finished yet but enough is done to where we don't have to do anything this weekend unless we want to.

There's more to update but this post has gotten long enough so I'll close with that.  Thank you everyone for being there and thinking of me.  I will be catching up with all of you over the next couple of days.


Jen said...

I am glad you had some time off from work and got to relax. I so understand the pain you are experiencing and I will not sugar coat it by saying you will get over it because you will never, but I will say that in time the pain will lessen. It took me many months after my last miscarriage to begin to feel ok again and not break down when seeing a pregnant woman or baby pics. I too have had to close the door on the possibility of becoming a mother. Sending you big hugs, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Happy Belated Birthday Teejay! I'm glad you got to hang out in Annapolis with BJ - I love that town :). In fact, we were at the mall on Saturday, since Hubby needed a haircut.
There are so many things out in the world that just scream babies and kids and shove all the things you are wishing for right in your face. It seems like when you're hurt, those things jump out and get you even more frequently :(.

Esperanza said...

Happy belated birthday and anniversary. I'm sorry that your loss and IF make this one not so great. That really sucks. I'm glad you had a nice time at least. I hope 35 treats you kindly.

someday-soon said...

Good to hear from you! Happy birthday and anniversary =) Sorry there have been some crappy reminders out there but happy you got out of town with BJ and enjoyed some time with LG. Sounds like he's doing great with baseball!

Anonymous said...

Oh Honey, your heartache shines through in this post and yet it is filled with such love and pride in LG. I wish there were somethign I could say that would ease your pain and speed the healing, but it is a process. Sending you much love and strength.

Pie said...

Happy belated birthday, TeeJay, and happy anniversary too. It hurts me to read this, I can just feel how much you are mourning, and there is nothing (other than this feeble comment) I can do to help you. I wish I could give you a big in-person hug, and share a cup of tea with you. Just know I'm thinking of you often, and always here to read your experience, and support you. ((((hugs)))

A said...

You have definitely be in my thoughts and prayers while you continue to grieve. Please continue to keep us posted how you're doing- we care about you!!

Alex said...

I've been thinking so much of you, hoping that you're doing ok. It sounds like you are - mostly - but still grieving, of course. This is all so tough, I'm so sorry. Continuing to think about you!