It's Tuesday and it's 2 days until my appointment to see where I stand with my clinic. I will be told 1 of 3 things.
1 - sorry, you are a poor responder and we can't take the risk on you
2 - please get all your testing done and we will go from there
3 - sure, we can take a chance on you...welcome to the shared risk program
I'm sure number 2 will happen ever before number 3 happens. But what if number 1 happens? I was so excited to set this appointment and started thinking of all the possibilities that might await me. Now I'm sitting here expecting the worst possible outcome. I think I have been burned by years of infertility.
I'm on an up/down cycle of emotions every time I think about this appointment. I know that I just need to relax and see what happens, but all I can think about is how the doctor will just turn me down. I go from thinking of additional baby names (in case BJ doesn't like the ones I have picked out) to accepting the fact that I will remain childless. It's a vicious tennis game of emotions where I'm the ball and I'm being hit from side to side.
I had a dream last night that I got a positive beta. I couldn't believe it. In the dream I kept rubbing my stomach and smiling and BJ and I were talking about how and when to tell people. Then the number of the beta came back at 6.5. It was 2 days passed a 5 day transfer so the doctor wasn't worried at all...as long as it doubled. We were in the middle of figuring out when to schedule my next beta when I woke up. I looked up at the ceiling and exhaled a deep breath...I realized that it was just a dream. I've been in a funk ever since.
I know that we IF girls try not to get our hopes up as a way of protecting ourselves and maybe that is just what this is, me protecting my emotions from getting crushed. Or maybe it's my rational side stepping up and saying "TeeJay, you didn't really think you would be awarded with this opportunity, did you?" I feel like the odds are against me. I feel like the odds have never been for me. What do I think has changed now?
I've gone from being excited for this opportunity to being scared sh!tless about walking through that door on Thursday. There has been too much time for me to think about this. I always over think everything. I'm the daughter of an engineer, it's in my chemical make up to over think. I know I should just calm down and accept this appointment for what it is - a discussion and maybe the start of a plan. In my heart, however, I'm crying buckets of tears because I don't want to be turned away. I really want this chance and if they tell me no...well...I just don't know what comes next.
This will be the end of the road for a pregnancy, a biological child. Once this outlet is exhausted BJ is ready to jump into adoption. I'm glad he's on board. I can't wrap my head around that just yet as I feel that I have not exhausted all my options. This appointment will be the beginning of a journey...either several IVF's or a serious plan about adoption. God knows what is best for me and I know that my wants and desires are not necessarily what He has planned for me. I can only pray that He wants me to try harder at this IVF thing to achieve our goal. If the appointment goes south or we are turned down because of my high FSH then I guess His plan is for us to explore other options. Time will tell.
Thanks for reading and letting me get my fears out of my head and onto paper.