Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Aftermath

Thank you everyone for your support and your well wishes.  I can't even put into words how it feels to be able to come here and share everything, every detail, with you.  You understand, you get it.  This road is hard, more than hard...sometimes it feels like a never ending journey.  I feel like I am running around in circles...waking up to my own groundhog day where no matter what I do or what I change, I still wake up NOT pregnant.  *sigh*  I wish I knew the secret code so I could crack this puzzle.

Anywho...BJ and I have decided (I think) to go ahead and do 1 cycle of IVF.  I don't have any hopes of it working and I'm sure that is not a good attitude to have.  However, I can't help it.  I DO feel like we have to give it one more shot before we call it quits, before we can really consider adoption.  I don't like that I'm forced to make these decisions.  I would rather my body work properly and just do it's damn job and carry a baby for crying out loud.  So we will see if it will do just that or if we call it quits and set our sights on adoption options.

I e-mailed 2 questions to my nurse.  The first - why did Dr. M tell me that I was borderline and then tell the financial coordinator that I was not qualified for the shared risk?  The second - can she check with Dr. M to see if he wants to add Ganirelix to my protocol since I'm such a fast responder?  I don't produce much but I produce very quickly.  Since my protocol has to be perfect this time, I don't want anything overlooked.  I hadn't heard back from her so I e-mailed her again.  She said she'd get back to me tomorrow (yesterday).  She didn't.  I called this morning and she is out sick until Monday.  Lovely.

I have a laundry list of things to get done and it looks like we will miss a cycle but it is what it is.  AF is supposed to show up tomorrow or Saturday so I will need to make my CD3 appointment for pre-screening.  I need to tell BJ that he has to make his SA appointment.  My nurse needs to get me the forms for our infectious disease blood draws.  They were supposed to give me either samples or a prescription for prenatals and I have to schedule my mock embryo transfer.  I'm wondering if they will give me the BCP once my bw/us results are in from my CD3 scan?  We'll see.

I'm not even excited.  How terrible is that?  Maybe my mood will change once I get going.  I hope so.  I think I'm just too afraid to hope for success.  I was so sure last time...and I got nothing but a broken heart.  I don't want to fail again but that doesn't mean I won't.  It's not like I can just keep replaying the level over and over again until I beat it, you know?  It's not angry.birds after all.


Alex said...

I think this is a great decision! Go for the IVF, just go for it! And if it doesn't work, move to adoption completely freely! So very excited for you! And I think it's completely normal to not feel that excited about it - I'm sure it's all very overwhelming!!! But I have hope for you!

someday-soon said...

From your description of your protocol I think you may be doing the Lurpon flare protocol? I did that protocol for my IVF and did low dose Lupron until the end of stims. It acts the same as Ganirelix would I maybe that's what they have in mind. I would be curious why they said boarderline on being in the shared risk though.

I know it's hard to get excited and the great thing is that the sucess of IVF doesn't require your excitement to work ;-) I hope the excitement does pick up once your cycle starts though...tons of GL!!!!

someday-soon said...

Oh, a little correction...I was on the micro lupron flare protocol with low dose lupron.

A said...

i think those are great questions to ask, and i hope you get answers soon!! i will be praying for you as you get ready to give this your all, one more time (hug)

and FWIW, i did the ganirelix protocol the time our ivf actually went through, and from what everyone told me, it really gives stragglers a chance to catch up to the bigger ones. i definitely think it's worth talking to your doctor about :) (lupron for me was just pure awful- hello cancelled cycle.)

Fran said...

So sorry to hear you are not that optimistic but it is normal when we've been through the process a few times. I think you will get a bit more excited once you get going. It'll be interesting to see what the nurse will reply. Love, Fran

Mel. said...

I think it's great that you're going to try another IVF, that way you'll have no regrets (other than the $$ I guess...). Don't worry about not being hopeful, it's certainly not a requirement for success. I was already looking ahead to our IVF cycle when we were successful - I had no hope for our last IUI then surprise! I'll be hopeful for you so you don't have to worry about that part.... :)

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're going to try it one last time - having no regrets is a good reason to go for it. I know you must be feeling an incredible amount of pressure surrounding this cycle, but just do what you can (keep on that dr. to give you details about your protocol) and try and just breathe.
I'm really hopeful for you!