There’s too much to write about so I’m just going to give a quick bulleted update. I will try to keep it short. :-)
• My shots are going well. Of course, the first one I administered hit a blood vessel and left me with a dime sized bruise on my belly. It’s actually almost gone, though, so all is well. No major side effects that I have noticed as of yet and that is always good.
• The weekend was good. I was off Friday and didn’t really have any plans but to get the stuff for the Easter baskets and then work on my scrapping. I actually did a lot of laundry, too. It was a good relaxed day. We went to the Bass Pro Shop on Saturday and the husband has decided that he wants a bass boat. That is another post all to itself and will need to be tackled another day. Since the LG was with his mother on Sunday, BJ and I cleaned out the garage. The weather was beautiful and we were able to clean and mostly organize the space. During the winter months the garage really suffers so cleaning it up felt really good.
• Work is busy and I’m not enjoying any of it. I’m not happy with my job right now or my current boss or some of my co-workers. If you’ve been following me for a year or more you know that I have a new boss. I don’t like him. He’s so different from anyone I’ve ever known so it’s really difficult to find our stride. He won’t ever change so I know I just have to deal with it but the situation is stressing me out.
• I’m coming up on some important dates and it’s starting to bring me down. My first ever BFP anniversary is only a few weeks away...as is the anniversary of my first (and hopefully only) loss. I should be on maternity leave right now and I think that might be part of the reason I dislike my job and boss right now.
• The blogosphere has been filled with some really high highs and some really low lows lately. As I read through the happy mom posts I get excited and start to think about what it would be like to be writing posts like that. When I read the pregnancy blogs I also hope to be writing my own posts regarding morning sickness and beta numbers. And then I read the sad blogs. The one where a mother had to say good-bye to her child before it was born. And the one where the mother just went in for her 12 week scan only to find out that her little one’s heart had stopped beating just a couple of days ago. It breaks my heart and makes me worry about something like that happening to us. I mean, just because we have struggled for so long does not mean that we will be successful with our DE cycle(s). It’s scary.
• The weather has been so warm and then we had a cold snap and now I’m afraid my roses may not bloom. They have buds all over them but they haven’t begun to open yet. I have 5 beautiful rose bushes and judging by the size and the number of buds, once they open, our yard will be the prettiest on the cul de sac. I just hope the cold nights have not damaged them. We haven’t gotten frost, but it’s been in the 30’s a few times. I’ve noticed that the warm weather caused the Tulips to bloom early and they are already losing their petals. Crazy weather, I tell ya.
• I got an Easter card from my mom. She called me a while back and I told her that I’d send her a calling card with cell minutes on it so that she could keep in contact with her kids. So far, so good. I’ve gotten a couple of text messages and a phone call and now the card. She’s working at a motel as the cleaner in exchange for a room. I’m ok with that. As long as her deadbeat significant other does not mess it up for her like he did last time everything will be ok. I don’t know if she has contacted my other siblings or not but that’s not my problem. As much as they try to make it my problem.
• I have been looking at my cycle calendar at least once a day if not more. And judging by the dates they gave me, my donor will be starting her injections on 4/21. I always started my stims on CD3. If that holds true for her then her CD1 will be 4/19...my mother’s birthday. Odd timing to say the least. That means that the donor will be starting stims NEXT weekend! Yay!! All of this assuming she passes her second and final FDA blood panel on 4/16.
• I’m going in for my Lupron evaluation on Friday morning. I’m hoping for nice quiet ovaries which shouldn’t be a problem given my history. And I’m hoping for normal blood work. I’m also hoping that the other recipients are still on track with everything. That’s one of the biggest worries I have. I worry that one of them will have something go wrong and we’ll have to scrap the whole thing. IF has jaded me, that’s for sure. I’m always certain that something bad will happen. I’ve read and seen too much to think otherwise. I’ve always been on the wrong side of the fertility statistics so why should now be any different? I’m hoping that it’s very different...very different indeed.
So that’s a quick rundown of what’s in my head and what’s been going on recently. There’s much more but I don’t seem to have the time right now to write about it. My boss will be on vacation next week so I’m hoping to have more time to get some good posts up. I have some things I need to get off my chest and you guys get to be my sounding board. Lucky you!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The Countdown Has Begun
In less than 24 hours I will begin my Lupron shots. Yippee! I could not be more ready. I actually have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Since this will be first shot in about a year, it’s good that I’m off work tomorrow so that I don’t have to rush in the morning.
I’m literally counting the hours until I get to start stabbing my stomach with needles. Isn’t it crazy how IF makes us look forward to things that other people would dread? And I can’t wait to take my last bcp on Sunday. Again, counting the hours (well, days at this point).
Thanks to all of you that recommended some remedies to my going problem. I bought some milk of magnesia yesterday but forgot to take it last night. I’ll be taking it tonight for sure. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything that I would mix with liquid and drink. Although, if the MOM doesn’t work that will be my next avenue of self-treatment.
I’m also counting the minutes until I get to leave work today. I’m so excited to be off tomorrow with nothing planned. The only thing I have to do is hit the store to get my boys some candy and treats for their Easter baskets. The rest of the day will be putting laundry away and working on my scrapping. I’m really looking forward to working on my albums. I feel like I really accomplished something when I have several pretty pages of pictures to look at.
Is it time to go home yet??
I hope everyone has a great Easter in whatever way you may (or may not) celebrate! The next time you hear from me I will be bcp free and full of Lupron! Let the countdown continue...tick...tick...tick.
I’m literally counting the hours until I get to start stabbing my stomach with needles. Isn’t it crazy how IF makes us look forward to things that other people would dread? And I can’t wait to take my last bcp on Sunday. Again, counting the hours (well, days at this point).
Thanks to all of you that recommended some remedies to my going problem. I bought some milk of magnesia yesterday but forgot to take it last night. I’ll be taking it tonight for sure. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything that I would mix with liquid and drink. Although, if the MOM doesn’t work that will be my next avenue of self-treatment.
I’m also counting the minutes until I get to leave work today. I’m so excited to be off tomorrow with nothing planned. The only thing I have to do is hit the store to get my boys some candy and treats for their Easter baskets. The rest of the day will be putting laundry away and working on my scrapping. I’m really looking forward to working on my albums. I feel like I really accomplished something when I have several pretty pages of pictures to look at.
Is it time to go home yet??
I hope everyone has a great Easter in whatever way you may (or may not) celebrate! The next time you hear from me I will be bcp free and full of Lupron! Let the countdown continue...tick...tick...tick.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Weight a Minute
No, that’s not a type-o. I actually feel like I’m gaining weight by the minute. Since I started the bcp and the pre-natals, I have gained just over 5 pounds. I swear the scale goes up almost a half a pound a day.
The pre-natals make it difficult to, um, go...if you know what I mean. I took Colace a few times to try and help things along. I started with 1 pill and since it didn’t do anything for me I took 2 the next day. I let a full day go by and took another 2. Granted, I went, but not much. Ewww...I know, tmi. I’ve stopped taking the Colace for now. I’ve seen no benefit of it.
I’ve been on active bcp since February 28. That means that I have not had a cycle since February 26. That’s over 5 weeks since my lining has shed. My uterus can’t even take it anymore as I have started to spot here and there.
Between my belly being full of things it should be getting rid of and my uterine lining trying to break records, I feel exceptionally bloated and full and fat. I have not seen numbers on the scale like this since 2004. My eating habits have not really changed so I know it’s not because I’ve all of a sudden decided to eat everything in sight.
I keep telling my husband that I can’t have a snack with him at night, something we have done for years, because I’m turning into a big fatty. He looks at me and says “you’re probably going to be pregnant soon so who cares if you’re a big fatty?” Nice but not nice. Of course he said it while laughing but it still made me want to smack him. See, the bcp have not stopped making me a crazy lady, either.
I know this is all part of the process and I’m thankful to be going through it, really. I just wish I weren’t such a nut about keeping my weight in check. I feel like I can’t do anything about it right now. I could always exercise more but who has the energy for that after work? They closed our gym at work to make renovations and it won’t open again for another 6 or 8 weeks. I don’t want to starve myself or go on some crazy diet as I’m trying to keep myself healthy for an impending transfer. I feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I also hate the feeling of my pants getting tighter and tighter by the day. Ugh.
I have my suppression check Friday morning. If all goes well I can bid these bcp farewell on Sunday. I’ll be able to shed my lining and hopefully that will help. I’m sure the bloat will return with the Lupron but I don’t really remember having many problems with it before so hopefully that trend will continue.
I know this may all sound petty and trivial but my weight has been an issue with me for a very long time and I panic when it goes up this fast. I’ve been able to maintain my weight, within 3 pounds or so, for the last few years of IF treatments so to see such an increase so fast has really left me feeling quite defeated.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Also, thanks for the advice with my PIO shots. I talked to my doctor and he recommended taking a warm wash cloth and wrapping it around the bottle before injecting. He also suggested warming the injection area with a heating pad or hot water bottle beforehand. And finally, massaging the area after the injection. The only thing left to figure out is how to give it to myself because I know BJ is not going to want to do it. I’ll watch some YouTube videos and I should be fine.
The pre-natals make it difficult to, um, go...if you know what I mean. I took Colace a few times to try and help things along. I started with 1 pill and since it didn’t do anything for me I took 2 the next day. I let a full day go by and took another 2. Granted, I went, but not much. Ewww...I know, tmi. I’ve stopped taking the Colace for now. I’ve seen no benefit of it.
I’ve been on active bcp since February 28. That means that I have not had a cycle since February 26. That’s over 5 weeks since my lining has shed. My uterus can’t even take it anymore as I have started to spot here and there.
Between my belly being full of things it should be getting rid of and my uterine lining trying to break records, I feel exceptionally bloated and full and fat. I have not seen numbers on the scale like this since 2004. My eating habits have not really changed so I know it’s not because I’ve all of a sudden decided to eat everything in sight.
I keep telling my husband that I can’t have a snack with him at night, something we have done for years, because I’m turning into a big fatty. He looks at me and says “you’re probably going to be pregnant soon so who cares if you’re a big fatty?” Nice but not nice. Of course he said it while laughing but it still made me want to smack him. See, the bcp have not stopped making me a crazy lady, either.
I know this is all part of the process and I’m thankful to be going through it, really. I just wish I weren’t such a nut about keeping my weight in check. I feel like I can’t do anything about it right now. I could always exercise more but who has the energy for that after work? They closed our gym at work to make renovations and it won’t open again for another 6 or 8 weeks. I don’t want to starve myself or go on some crazy diet as I’m trying to keep myself healthy for an impending transfer. I feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I also hate the feeling of my pants getting tighter and tighter by the day. Ugh.
I have my suppression check Friday morning. If all goes well I can bid these bcp farewell on Sunday. I’ll be able to shed my lining and hopefully that will help. I’m sure the bloat will return with the Lupron but I don’t really remember having many problems with it before so hopefully that trend will continue.
I know this may all sound petty and trivial but my weight has been an issue with me for a very long time and I panic when it goes up this fast. I’ve been able to maintain my weight, within 3 pounds or so, for the last few years of IF treatments so to see such an increase so fast has really left me feeling quite defeated.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Also, thanks for the advice with my PIO shots. I talked to my doctor and he recommended taking a warm wash cloth and wrapping it around the bottle before injecting. He also suggested warming the injection area with a heating pad or hot water bottle beforehand. And finally, massaging the area after the injection. The only thing left to figure out is how to give it to myself because I know BJ is not going to want to do it. I’ll watch some YouTube videos and I should be fine.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Box of Goodies
I received my order of meds from Freedom yesterday. It was delivered in a small box...nothing like the size of the box when one is undergoing IVF treatments. After all, we are only suppressing my body and then building a lining. And then supporting a pregnancy! There’s no need for all the follicle stimulating drugs.
The one thing about this box of meds that has me on edge is that I will be doing PIO this time. As I was going through my IVFs I didn’t do those shots. I was on the 3 a day suppository protocol. However, since my body is not ovulating and creating any progesterone on its own, I have to do these shots. I’m really scared about it. The needles are huge. They are not just long but also very thick. It’s more like a trigger shot needle. I know it needs to be that long because it’s an intramuscular shot. I’m very intimidated by this process. Not only that, but BJ is really not keen on administering such a shot. The anxiety the man felt for our trigger shots was palpable, to say the least. I can only imagine how he’ll be knowing he has to shoot me up each day for possibly (HOPEFULLY) weeks. I guess I could do them myself if he opts out. I’ve read about plenty of women having to administer their PIO shots to themselves for any number of reasons so I think I could get by.
The other thing about the PIO protocol that scares the beegeezus out of me...the pain, bruising and lumps that are left behind afterward. I’ve never really heard anything good about PIO shots. Everything I read is bad, bad, bad. Some people use an ice pack first or after. Others use a warm compress before and/or after. Some people massage the area. Some people writhe in pain and suffer huge knots and lumps and bruises on their backsides. *sigh* Of course, I will do anything at this point to give any embryos a chance to survive and thrive...but I’m not too proud to admit that I’m scared of these shots on so many levels.
Another item in my box that caused me a little pause is my estrogen shots. They, too, have really long needles and are given intramuscularly. However, I’ve not heard anything really bad about any side effects or after effects of this injection. Plus, it’s only every 3 days...how cool is that?
The Lupron looked like a piece of cake after viewing the needles for the other injections. I remember the Lupron well...no real bad side effects that I can recall so I’m not worried. Although, I’m going to be on a higher dose this time. I’m going to be taking 20 units each morning and I’m pretty sure that is more than I took with my IVFs. I’m not very worried about the Lupron at this stage. I’ll just have to wait and see how it affects me.
Our consents have been signed and notarized and will be delivered to the clinic at my appointment tomorrow with Dr. M. I should make a list of any questions that I have but right now I can’t think of anything. I’m just hoping that nothing gets delayed and that everyone stays on track and that the donor remembers how important it is to take her meds like clockwork. She only has money riding on this...I have my future happiness at stake. Well, me and the other 2 recipients have that in common, don’t we?
I forgot that when I come off the bcp I’ll have another period so I guess I haven’t seen the last of AF just yet. She should be pretty light this time around since I’ll be on Lupron and have been on bcp for over 2 cycles now with no break this last cycle.
Ten days, people! Ten days until I start Lupron and the cycle officially begins for us! Please, oh please let everything stay on track!!
The one thing about this box of meds that has me on edge is that I will be doing PIO this time. As I was going through my IVFs I didn’t do those shots. I was on the 3 a day suppository protocol. However, since my body is not ovulating and creating any progesterone on its own, I have to do these shots. I’m really scared about it. The needles are huge. They are not just long but also very thick. It’s more like a trigger shot needle. I know it needs to be that long because it’s an intramuscular shot. I’m very intimidated by this process. Not only that, but BJ is really not keen on administering such a shot. The anxiety the man felt for our trigger shots was palpable, to say the least. I can only imagine how he’ll be knowing he has to shoot me up each day for possibly (HOPEFULLY) weeks. I guess I could do them myself if he opts out. I’ve read about plenty of women having to administer their PIO shots to themselves for any number of reasons so I think I could get by.
The other thing about the PIO protocol that scares the beegeezus out of me...the pain, bruising and lumps that are left behind afterward. I’ve never really heard anything good about PIO shots. Everything I read is bad, bad, bad. Some people use an ice pack first or after. Others use a warm compress before and/or after. Some people massage the area. Some people writhe in pain and suffer huge knots and lumps and bruises on their backsides. *sigh* Of course, I will do anything at this point to give any embryos a chance to survive and thrive...but I’m not too proud to admit that I’m scared of these shots on so many levels.
Another item in my box that caused me a little pause is my estrogen shots. They, too, have really long needles and are given intramuscularly. However, I’ve not heard anything really bad about any side effects or after effects of this injection. Plus, it’s only every 3 days...how cool is that?
The Lupron looked like a piece of cake after viewing the needles for the other injections. I remember the Lupron well...no real bad side effects that I can recall so I’m not worried. Although, I’m going to be on a higher dose this time. I’m going to be taking 20 units each morning and I’m pretty sure that is more than I took with my IVFs. I’m not very worried about the Lupron at this stage. I’ll just have to wait and see how it affects me.
Our consents have been signed and notarized and will be delivered to the clinic at my appointment tomorrow with Dr. M. I should make a list of any questions that I have but right now I can’t think of anything. I’m just hoping that nothing gets delayed and that everyone stays on track and that the donor remembers how important it is to take her meds like clockwork. She only has money riding on this...I have my future happiness at stake. Well, me and the other 2 recipients have that in common, don’t we?
I forgot that when I come off the bcp I’ll have another period so I guess I haven’t seen the last of AF just yet. She should be pretty light this time around since I’ll be on Lupron and have been on bcp for over 2 cycles now with no break this last cycle.
Ten days, people! Ten days until I start Lupron and the cycle officially begins for us! Please, oh please let everything stay on track!!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Getting Things Accomplished
BJ and I decided to take Friday off from work. We actually decided to do it before we saw the weather report. After we saw the weather report we were very excited to have off on Friday. The forecast was for sunny skies and 80-85!! The actual weekend was scheduled to be rainy and cool and just blah. We knew we wanted to get out in the yard and get some plants in the ground and cut the grass and fertilize and change the oil in the mower...all good Spring-time activities.
We dropped the LG off at school and ran our errands of getting a new weed trimmer, plants, mulch and fertilizer. As soon as we got home we started working. We worked outside for 5 hours, people. It was great because even though we were working hard we barely broke a sweat...no humidity this early in the season!
I did most of the labor work while BJ rode around on his mower but he did help me install the new edging around the mailbox. I planted 4 pansies, 9 petunias and 3 baby daffodils. I also raked up our mulch and spread new mulch down in both of our little gardens. We were beat at the end of the day. If you aren’t familiar with our region of the US, we do not really have dirt. We have clay. Digging holes in clay is a pain in the butt. It’s wet (since it doesn’t drain well) and heavy and sticky and clumpy. I know I could sell some of it to art studios so they could make great sculptures.
It felt so good to get all of that done before the nasty weather came in. When we woke up Saturday morning we were both really sore. Remember when I said that digging was a pain in the butt? I meant that literally. My glute muscles were so sore...oh my gosh! It hurt to walk and to sit. I’m sure all the squatting up and down helped to wear these muscles out, too. BJ said that maybe I needed to start doing some lunges if that little bit of work wore my butt out. Hmph. I’ll show him some lunges.
We didn’t do much on Saturday but on Sunday we hung up all of the LG’s 8x10 school pictures from Kindergarten to this year and 4 of his sports pictures in the office. It looks like the office of a family now and not just a room in a house. I’m so proud of us for finally getting that done. Now I just need to make a collage of family and wedding photos for the other wall and that room will be complete. Whew!
We are getting our consent forms signed and notarized this evening, too. I’m excited to have those completed forms in hand. I had to move my appointment with Dr. M up because I have to meet with him before I go in for my Lupron evaluation. The only thing they have available is this Wednesday at 2:00. I’ll have to use a half day of sick leave to make this appointment. I’m excited, though, so it’s not that big of a deal. And when I looked over the calendar I noted that I will begin Lupron injections on April 6! That’s only 11 days away!! Looking at it like that makes moving the ER much more bearable. AND my meds are supposed to be delivered today! I can’t wait to get that box.
So things are getting accomplished in TeeJay-land. Little by little and bit by bit we are achieving success. Let’s hope it carries over in this whole baby makin’ process.
We dropped the LG off at school and ran our errands of getting a new weed trimmer, plants, mulch and fertilizer. As soon as we got home we started working. We worked outside for 5 hours, people. It was great because even though we were working hard we barely broke a sweat...no humidity this early in the season!
I did most of the labor work while BJ rode around on his mower but he did help me install the new edging around the mailbox. I planted 4 pansies, 9 petunias and 3 baby daffodils. I also raked up our mulch and spread new mulch down in both of our little gardens. We were beat at the end of the day. If you aren’t familiar with our region of the US, we do not really have dirt. We have clay. Digging holes in clay is a pain in the butt. It’s wet (since it doesn’t drain well) and heavy and sticky and clumpy. I know I could sell some of it to art studios so they could make great sculptures.
It felt so good to get all of that done before the nasty weather came in. When we woke up Saturday morning we were both really sore. Remember when I said that digging was a pain in the butt? I meant that literally. My glute muscles were so sore...oh my gosh! It hurt to walk and to sit. I’m sure all the squatting up and down helped to wear these muscles out, too. BJ said that maybe I needed to start doing some lunges if that little bit of work wore my butt out. Hmph. I’ll show him some lunges.
We didn’t do much on Saturday but on Sunday we hung up all of the LG’s 8x10 school pictures from Kindergarten to this year and 4 of his sports pictures in the office. It looks like the office of a family now and not just a room in a house. I’m so proud of us for finally getting that done. Now I just need to make a collage of family and wedding photos for the other wall and that room will be complete. Whew!
We are getting our consent forms signed and notarized this evening, too. I’m excited to have those completed forms in hand. I had to move my appointment with Dr. M up because I have to meet with him before I go in for my Lupron evaluation. The only thing they have available is this Wednesday at 2:00. I’ll have to use a half day of sick leave to make this appointment. I’m excited, though, so it’s not that big of a deal. And when I looked over the calendar I noted that I will begin Lupron injections on April 6! That’s only 11 days away!! Looking at it like that makes moving the ER much more bearable. AND my meds are supposed to be delivered today! I can’t wait to get that box.
So things are getting accomplished in TeeJay-land. Little by little and bit by bit we are achieving success. Let’s hope it carries over in this whole baby makin’ process.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
So Much For That...
I was so excited to get my consent forms and my calendar in the mail yesterday. And to top it off my meds have been ordered and will be delivered Monday!! All very exciting stuff. I should have known it was not going to be smooth sailing.
I received an e-mail from my donor coordinator this morning that my donor has a conflict with the dates and we will be pushing everything back by approximately a week. Seriously? The spoiled, selfish, bitter infertile that lives inside me is really pissed about this change of events. As soon as the ride gets going we have slam on the brakes. I don’t know why things just can’t go as planned around here. BJ is having a pretty bad day so I haven’t even told him yet. He’s such a negative nelly that I don’t need to hear anything out of him about this.
I’ve waited almost 11 years so what’s another week, right? Hmph. I’m TIRED OF WAITING. I’m tired of getting my hopes up about something only to be smashed down again. I know it’s only a week (or so) but good grief! I know I don’t have any room to be bitching right now. A very nice young lady is going through a lot to donate her eggs so that we may have a chance at having a baby. I GET that. However, I think I’m entitled to be little miffed that we are being delayed. Maybe I don’t have that right, I don’t know.
All I know is that now retrieval is tentatively set for May 2. Fingers crossed that we don’t get delayed anymore. Thanks for letting me vent...even if it might be unwarranted.
I received an e-mail from my donor coordinator this morning that my donor has a conflict with the dates and we will be pushing everything back by approximately a week. Seriously? The spoiled, selfish, bitter infertile that lives inside me is really pissed about this change of events. As soon as the ride gets going we have slam on the brakes. I don’t know why things just can’t go as planned around here. BJ is having a pretty bad day so I haven’t even told him yet. He’s such a negative nelly that I don’t need to hear anything out of him about this.
I’ve waited almost 11 years so what’s another week, right? Hmph. I’m TIRED OF WAITING. I’m tired of getting my hopes up about something only to be smashed down again. I know it’s only a week (or so) but good grief! I know I don’t have any room to be bitching right now. A very nice young lady is going through a lot to donate her eggs so that we may have a chance at having a baby. I GET that. However, I think I’m entitled to be little miffed that we are being delayed. Maybe I don’t have that right, I don’t know.
All I know is that now retrieval is tentatively set for May 2. Fingers crossed that we don’t get delayed anymore. Thanks for letting me vent...even if it might be unwarranted.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
True Understanding
About a month ago my step-mom sent me a box of old pictures. She had been going through their pictures and my grandmother’s pictures and decided that she wanted to send me some so that I can have them and do with them what I want. She knows about my love of scrapping and thought I might want to make something out of them.
In the box were pictures of my grandparents when they were still married, my dad and aunt when they were little, my grandmother as a young woman...I love these old pictures. There were pictures of me when I was probably 3 or 4 that I had never seen before. I had no idea that I went ice skating with my aunt and grandmother, however, the pictures don’t lie. There were also plenty of pictures of events that I do remember from when I was very little. I showed BJ and the LG many of these pictures and of course so many of them garnered laughs and sneers at my hair and clothes. Rightfully so, I might add. And then I came upon two pictures that made me stop and think about what I am giving up using donor eggs to have a child.
The first picture was a picture of my dad when he was maybe 4 or 5. It was black and white and he was smiling. The next picture I looked at was a picture of me when I was about 3 or 4. I looked exactly like my dad except with different hair. I covered up the hair on both pictures and showed it to BJ. He agreed that we looked alike and went about watching TV. He had no idea the feelings that this sparked in me. Not feelings of regret, not at all. I’m 100% sure that I’m doing the right thing and I feel so hopeful that we will have a child of our own. These were feelings of grief for realizing exactly what my body has failed to do. My body has failed my future child of being able to look back at old pictures and say things like, “mom, I look just like you!” It was such a great feeling to see how much I looked like my dad. Especially since I am now the spitting image of my mother. I know that the child will be genetically linked to BJ so I’m sure there will be resemblances there. And I know that I must sound very vain and ungrateful for this opportunity to make my dreams come true...trust me, I’m not. I’m not vain nor am I ungrateful. I can’t wait to get started with this cycle and I am hoping with everything I have that this works for us. I want to be pregnant again and I want to bring a baby into our home. I want to be a mother. I’m more than ready to be a mother.
I want to be honest here and I want to let people know that this is not easy. Choosing to use donor eggs was just as big of a decision for us as adoption is for other couples. It’s hard to give up on one’s own body. There’s a grieving process to go through. I first had to grieve the loss of my pregnancy and then I had to grieve the loss of being able to try again. Now I’m grieving a different kind of loss, the loss of a genetic family link. I’m not sad about the child not having my eyes or my hair color. Those things don’t mean anything to me. I’m sad that I’m the last in our family line and I can’t carry our heritage on. I’m actually glad that I won’t be passing certain aspects of my physical appearance on. I don’t know if I’m putting this into words well enough. Looking at those old pictures was an emotional high for me. I realized that my child might not have those same feelings and that made me sad. I hope that BJ’s genes come through nice and strong so that our child can have those feelings when he/she sees him/herself in BJ’s childhood photos.
I know I’m getting ahead of myself with believing that we will have a child but I’m so hopeful. As soon as I received those dates yesterday I figured out a due date...probably not the healthiest thing to do but I did it. I want this to work so badly I can taste it. That does not mean that this process is without challenges, though. Donor eggs are not an easy decision, not a quick fix. It’s just as much of a roller coaster ride as other infertility treatments. We are just at the beginning of our ride. I know there is much more to come but I’m ready to face it head on. I fully understand what I have given up and I’m ok with it. There’s more to life and family than who we look like. Those old photos sparked a new understanding in me and in this process. It made me sad but not for myself, for my future child. It means that I am going to have to work extra hard to let him/her know that it doesn’t matter if we look alike, what matters is that we are a family. Family is forever.
In the box were pictures of my grandparents when they were still married, my dad and aunt when they were little, my grandmother as a young woman...I love these old pictures. There were pictures of me when I was probably 3 or 4 that I had never seen before. I had no idea that I went ice skating with my aunt and grandmother, however, the pictures don’t lie. There were also plenty of pictures of events that I do remember from when I was very little. I showed BJ and the LG many of these pictures and of course so many of them garnered laughs and sneers at my hair and clothes. Rightfully so, I might add. And then I came upon two pictures that made me stop and think about what I am giving up using donor eggs to have a child.
The first picture was a picture of my dad when he was maybe 4 or 5. It was black and white and he was smiling. The next picture I looked at was a picture of me when I was about 3 or 4. I looked exactly like my dad except with different hair. I covered up the hair on both pictures and showed it to BJ. He agreed that we looked alike and went about watching TV. He had no idea the feelings that this sparked in me. Not feelings of regret, not at all. I’m 100% sure that I’m doing the right thing and I feel so hopeful that we will have a child of our own. These were feelings of grief for realizing exactly what my body has failed to do. My body has failed my future child of being able to look back at old pictures and say things like, “mom, I look just like you!” It was such a great feeling to see how much I looked like my dad. Especially since I am now the spitting image of my mother. I know that the child will be genetically linked to BJ so I’m sure there will be resemblances there. And I know that I must sound very vain and ungrateful for this opportunity to make my dreams come true...trust me, I’m not. I’m not vain nor am I ungrateful. I can’t wait to get started with this cycle and I am hoping with everything I have that this works for us. I want to be pregnant again and I want to bring a baby into our home. I want to be a mother. I’m more than ready to be a mother.
I want to be honest here and I want to let people know that this is not easy. Choosing to use donor eggs was just as big of a decision for us as adoption is for other couples. It’s hard to give up on one’s own body. There’s a grieving process to go through. I first had to grieve the loss of my pregnancy and then I had to grieve the loss of being able to try again. Now I’m grieving a different kind of loss, the loss of a genetic family link. I’m not sad about the child not having my eyes or my hair color. Those things don’t mean anything to me. I’m sad that I’m the last in our family line and I can’t carry our heritage on. I’m actually glad that I won’t be passing certain aspects of my physical appearance on. I don’t know if I’m putting this into words well enough. Looking at those old pictures was an emotional high for me. I realized that my child might not have those same feelings and that made me sad. I hope that BJ’s genes come through nice and strong so that our child can have those feelings when he/she sees him/herself in BJ’s childhood photos.
I know I’m getting ahead of myself with believing that we will have a child but I’m so hopeful. As soon as I received those dates yesterday I figured out a due date...probably not the healthiest thing to do but I did it. I want this to work so badly I can taste it. That does not mean that this process is without challenges, though. Donor eggs are not an easy decision, not a quick fix. It’s just as much of a roller coaster ride as other infertility treatments. We are just at the beginning of our ride. I know there is much more to come but I’m ready to face it head on. I fully understand what I have given up and I’m ok with it. There’s more to life and family than who we look like. Those old photos sparked a new understanding in me and in this process. It made me sad but not for myself, for my future child. It means that I am going to have to work extra hard to let him/her know that it doesn’t matter if we look alike, what matters is that we are a family. Family is forever.
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