I know I've been gone for a bit. I haven't felt much like writing. Well, that's not entirely true. I always feel like writing because I always have things swarming around in my head that need to come out. What I don't feel like doing is only writing about my despair. Let me explain.
Last week (7/7) was the 1 year anniversary of my egg retrieval. It was a day full of hope and dread and expectation. Saturday (7/10) was the 1 year anniversary of my transfer. The day that I looked at my 2 beautiful embies and was filled with more love and hope that I have ever known. I felt like a mother. I felt like I had children to love and look after and protect. In my eyes and heart, life begins at conception. My thinking was very straight forward (to me a least)...God wouldn't let the eggs fertilize if He weren't going to let me keep them and hold them in my arms in 9 months time, right? I was wrong. For reasons that are only His, my embies didn't make it. I lost them. I know that there is a big difference in losing embies and losing a pregnancy. I can't really compare my loss to someone that has had an actual miscarriage, I would never do that. All I can convey here is my feelings of loss. I feel like I lost 2 babies. They were living cells that were dividing and thriving in the dish, albeit for only 3 days, but still.
I didn't post anything last week because every post would have been about sadness, despair, disappointment, anger and frustration. This post is not going to be much better. But I'm feeling a little better. The next big dates are going to be the 1 year anniversary of my hpt BFN and then my beta BFN. It's a tough time for me. I want to cry and mourn and spend a day or 2 just vegging on the couch or laying in my bed sleeping. I can't do that. I've been so busy the last couple of weeks at work that I barely have time to pee during the day. I have some important tasks to concentrate on at the office. The Little Guy has been sick with a stomach bug and that helped me get through the weekend. I know that sounds strange, but the fact that I needed to tend to him and worry about him helped me hide my true feelings of sadness inside.
I feel like that's all I've been doing; hiding my true feelings. I'm all business at work and then I go home and pretend like I'm fine. BJ has no idea of the turmoil I'm putting myself through. I won't burden him with it. Plus, he doesn't understand my sadness and how I carry it around. He likes to think that I can handle anything. He likes to know that I'm not going to fall apart any second even though that's how I feel. He doesn't know how to handle my sadness or my depression...he knows there's nothing he can do to help me. This frustrates him. Hence, why I don't want to reveal my true feelings to him. It can sometimes cause friction between us. When he feels helpless he gets agitated. When he's agitated he can be...difficult. I don't need the added stress so it's better if he just thinks I'm fine. I'm slipping down pretty far and I feel like I might overflow at any time.
I don't like this slipping feeling. I feel like my feet aren't planted on the ground. I feel like I'm Fred Flintstone and I'm running so fast that my feet don't get traction and I don't go anywhere. I want to feel better. I want to smile a real smile. I want to enjoy sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband. Right now, I'm quieter than usual and I feel disconnected at home. I feel sort of numb. Not sort of, I feel very numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life because that's all there is right now....the motions. It's almost like I'm an observer of my own life. Like I'm just watching it all happen through a fog of sorts. It's very hard to explain.
And to top things off, I was actually dumb enough to think that I might have the fortune of getting a BFP this week. Since, you know, it's the 1 year anniversary of the biggest failure of my life. My boobs were sore for several days and I didn't feel any AF signs. It was not to be. The period started just before I went to bed Wednesday night. And the funny thing is that BJ doesn't even know. That's how good I am at keeping things to myself. I know it's not a good trait, but it has its advantages.
I think this depression episode is directly related to my IVF failure. I also think that it's a direct result of getting closer to the realization that I will not have a child of my own. My mind obviously knows this. It's my heart that has a hard time accepting that fact. My heart is what gets broken month after month but yet it still yearns for a baby. I don't know how much longer I will travel this path. The way I feel right now is not the way I will feel next week. Or so I hope. Because right now, I'm ready to call my GYN and tell her that I want to get that new birth control contraption (essure?) that is permanent. That way, there is no choice but to give up and have my heart accept its fate of a childless life. Maybe then I can get on with my life and treasure what I DO have a little more. Not that I don't treasure it now, but if I knew it was all I was ever going to have, I might be a little more thankful. And there's nothing like permanent birth control to get that to sink in.
I'm sorry to post such a downer post. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just getting some things off my mind. And the last thing I want is to bring everyone else down. But I wanted to post an update. I probably won't post again until I'm feeling better. I haven't been reading your blogs that much lately, either. I felt like I needed to step away from the infertile world for a bit. I'm hoping to get caught up this weekend and even leave some encouraging and supportive comments. Y'all are the greatest and you deserve support and love just the same. And I want to be there for you as you have been there for me in my times of need.
When I'm feeling better and more chipper I will share the story of some good news with you...we adopted a kitten. I will post pictures and all about him hopefully next week. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield some peace and a release from the stranglehold I feel right now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Smile lots, laugh more and love to the fullest.