I dream a lot. I remember a lot about my dreams. Often times a dream will stay with me for hours after I wake up. BJ wonders how I can remember the details that I do because he barely remembers anything from his dreams. Some of my dreams are very scary while others are just strange and still more are pretty mundane. There have been plenty of instances over the years that I have been TTC that I’ve had dreams about being pregnant, giving birth or getting a positive pee stick. The one where I gave birth was probably my most vivid dream during this journey, until last night. My last IVF cycle yielded a dream about a positive pee stick and lo and behold it happened almost exactly like the dream.
As some of you may remember, I have had my issues and concerns with my Faith and TTC and seeking treatments for IF. I’ve struggled with coming to terms with what might be God’s plan and what choices I make of my own free will. I’ve always felt that I was meant to be a mother one day and so I kept pressing forward because I figured that God would not want me to give up just because the road was hard. With our last IVF I really felt that it was going to work and that I was going to succeed and that God had just wanted me to try a little harder to achieve my heart’s desire. I was right, it worked...and then it was gone. I sort of felt like I was not so much being punished for my choice to pursue further treatments but suffering the consequences of doing so. I felt like maybe God never intended for me to carry a child and so He let me learn a lesson, so to speak, for going against His wishes. It was a tough time for me and my Faith to say the least. We are now trying again with donor eggs. I feel that maybe this time, with further financial and material sacrifice (along with genetic sacrifice) that God will let this happen. I feel that He will see how much I’m willing to give up in order to become a mother and He will answer my prayers with a child. Or will He? I guess that is still up for debate. However, my dream last night has got me thinking...what if I have to suffer another “consequence” for pushing too hard? What will my consequence be this time for going against God’s ultimate plan, if that’s what we’re doing? I don’t feel like I’m going against Him. I feel like I have this opportunity for a true flesh and blood miracle and I’m embracing it with every fiber of my being so how can that be wrong? I hope the dream I had was not a foreshadowing of tragedies to come. I’m hoping that it was just my own fears taking over my mind. Or maybe it means absolutely nothing at all...here is what I dreamed:
I was pregnant at work. I had a belly so I was far enough along to show. I remember rubbing my stomach and smiling and just feeling happy. Then, it felt like something was wrong. I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I started to panic. I went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of bright red blood in my underwear. Then when I looked between my legs I saw my baby’s head starting to come out. I panicked even more and gently pushed the head back up. I then walked very slowly and carefully back to my desk. I told someone what was happening and I remember telling them that it’s just too early. I remember freaking out that I couldn’t figure out how far along I was. I was searching my calendar trying to determine what week I was in. As I was doing this, I remember shouting in my head “please let my baby be ok...please let him just be a little early and ok...please don’t let him suffer any side effects from being so premature”, I just kept repeating this over and over. I was looking at the calendar and was confused as to whether I was in my “teen” weeks or late in my “twenties”. I knew that if I was late in my twenties that he’d most likely be ok but just small and underweight. And then I thought about what it would mean if I were in my “teen” weeks....the dread than ran through me cannot even be put into words. And then I woke up. I was so glad to wake up. I didn’t want that dream to continue on for one second more.
Another thought....maybe I’m still feeling so badly for my friend Mo and her recent loss that my mind is just preoccupied with tragedy. I don’t know. I just know that I hope it was not a glimpse of the future. I wish to never feel that way again.
And in case anyone is wondering, I have not gotten a call from my coordinator yet. She told me I’d hear from her by the end of the week and it’s now Monday. I guess I need to send an e-mail and then follow up with a phone call of my own. She should know something by now don’t you think?