Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Living Vicariously

Back in the day...many, many years ago when I first started TTC, I couldn’t get enough of all things “baby”. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Stories, Maternity Ward, I read pregnancy journals online (the very first blogs!), I joined TTC message boards, I browsed the baby section in stores, I searched the web constantly for nursery ideas...I was all consumed. It was fun. I was full of hopes and dreams and I was sure I would get pregnant the very next cycle. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t wait to start my own pregnancy journal and was just so excited to experience all of what those women were going through. And then the years dragged on. My (then) SIL started popping out kids like a Pez dispenser, my sister got knocked up accidentally and my brother’s girlfriend did the same. Ladies at work were having kids. Life was passing me by. My marriage fell apart and no sooner did the ex hook up with someone, she got knocked up. It seemed hopeless to say the least.

For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.

Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*

I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.

This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.

So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.


Amber C said...

TeeJay! Hi there, I have missed you and by reading it looks like you have been busy! It sounds to me like you are making progress and I can relate to the waiting game. Everything is a wait. My fingers are crossed for you. I hope you get the little one you are longing for in your heart.

niobe said...

Just wanted to say that I'm one of your fans and am cheering for you every step of the way!

Rebecca said...

I'm really hoping that this de works out for you. I don't want it to fail. Failing scares the crap out of me.

Anonymous said...

I always loved all things baby, too, which was why I hated that endo & infertility made me so bitter. I totally understand what you're saying - you want to give in to those feelings, let yourself revel in those things again, but you're afraid to get hurt. Totally understandable! I can't wait 'til you get this cycle started - I'll be cheering you all the way :).

Anonymous said...

Whoops, that was me, Sarah at Stupid blogger won't let me comment as me.

someday-soon said...

I know it's hard to let yourself hope...but it's really the only up side to the TTC roller coaster. I'm hoping for you =)