Thursday, October 21, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I can't believe it's that time again...time to introduce myself to new bloggers and scope out some new blogs to read.  You can get a brief rundown of my history on my side bar.  It's long and tedious to say the least.  Basically, I've been trying to get pregnant for about 9 years now (2 husbands).  What fun it has been.  NOT.  Well, that's not really true.  The first few months of research and all the extra "relations" and all the hope and expectation was fun.  Along with consuming all my TV time with A Baby Story and shows like that and browsing the baby section at the stores and dreaming of buying little Redskins or Capitals outfits....all of that was fun.  And then the fun wore off and turned to frustration, anger, helplessness, feelings of failure...feelings of not being good enough.  If there is an emotion related to TTC, I've felt it.

With my second husband (who has a 9-year-old boy, the Little Guy) we were able to pursue fertility treatments.  We did 2 IUI's and an IVF.  I had a full fertility work up (I'm guessing it was full) before we started any treatments.  My FSH was borderline high at 9.69.  The doctors did not seem worried as everything else checked out fine with me and BJ (the husband).  The 2 IUI's failed even though I responded well to the Clomid with 2 to 3 good follies and good E2 and P4 they said.  We moved on to IVF.  I was on my bcp for too long and was unable to produce enough follies for an IVF.  My next attempt was treated as though I am a poor responder.  I was given mega high doses of gonal-f and menopur.  I might be a poor responder but I am a fast responder.  Back in the day when I was as regular as a clock, I ovulated on day 13.  Those doses made my few follies grow really fast.  I was decreased in dosage and had ganirelix added to the mix.  At the time of retrieval, CD11, I had 5 measurable follicles.  My E2 two days before that was 1001.  I had 5 follicles, 4 eggs with 3 mature.  Two of them fertilized normally and were absolutely perfect at transfer on day 3 of their little lives.  I tested 2 days before beta and knew that we had failed again.

It was the hardest failure for many reasons.  I'm still trying to get over it.  It haunts me almost daily that my 2 little embryos didn't stick around.  I feel pretty jipped in a way.  I put entirely too much trust in the clinic.  They treated me as though I was just like everyone else instead of like an individual with a unique situation.  And when I say unique, I only mean that every patient is different.  Every patient will respond differently.  I'm not like everyone else.  No one wanted to find out why I can't get pregnant.  They just assumed they could do a couple of blood tests and pump me full of medications and voila! - a baby!  I never went in for a follow up appointment.  Mainly because we knew we couldn't afford any more treatments so there was no "next steps" to plan for.  We are on our own now and I'm not dealing very well with it.

I've begun to think that not only do I have bad eggs but that I have low progesterone.  My temps barely rise after ovulation and so I'm wondering if it's now a progesterone problem to add to my other problems that no one can seem to find.  I'm convinced there must be a problem somewhere because I refuse to accept that I'm just not meant to give birth to a child.  At least not yet.

I have a good group of regular readers and commentors that give me good ideas to pursue and things to think about on a regular basis.  I love that I can come here and spill my guts and these women understand.  They know where my pain comes from and although I hate that many of them are still struggling, I love that I know they are here with me.  So thank you, readers and commentors.  I appreciate each and every one of you.

Today, I am 4DPO.  Although due to my slowly rising temps, FF says I'm only 3DPO.  I'm in the 2ww with knowledge that we timed our baby makin' pretty damn good this cycle.  I'm not at the "hoping" point yet, but it will come, as it always does.  And maybe, just maybe, there will be a different outcome for me this time.

I have a funny story to share with you all.  As you know, and for any new readers stopping by, I have a step son.  He's with us 50% of the time and that is pretty much every other weekday and then every other weekend.  I usually take him to daycare in the mornings when we have him.  Sometimes BJ will take him but only once a week or once every couple of weeks.  The Little Guy was with us last night and I asked BJ to take him this morning because I had to come in early.  I got up, made BJ's coffee, the Little Guy's lunch and snack and set his pills out to save BJ some time in the morning.  BJ called me on his way to work and started with "I almost forgot my own son!".  Ha ha!  He said that he got ready for work and was putting his coffee in his thermos when he noticed the Little Guy's pills on the counter.  Immediately, an "oh shit!" came out and he ran upstairs to get the boy up.  He confessed to the Little Guy that he forgot to wake him up and told him to hurry it up.  How funny is that?  If he would have left him there sleeping, I would have asked, as I normally do when BJ takes him to daycare, "how's the Little Guy this morning?" and BJ would have remembered at that second.  What would have been bad is if BJ had left him there and he woke up before BJ could get back to him.  He probably would have opened the front door to look for vehicles and set the alarm off and I'd probably be bailing BJ out of jail on child neglect charges.  Thankfully it all worked out.  I still think it's funny, only because it worked out ok.


callmemama said...

Oh wow! That could have gone badly this morning. Thank goodness BJ saw the pills on the counter!

Mel. said...

Whew, good thing you thought ahead and set out those pills! : )