The title of this post does not refer to my inability to get married. I am married. I'm actually on my 2nd marriage. The title of this post is what I am feeling today about step-parenting.
I have written before about how I find it hard to be a step-mother. In my experience, it's even harder to be a step-parent while TTC and suffering through IF. This may not be the case for everyone in this situation, but these are my feelings.
As many of my long time readers know, I love hockey. I have sucked the Little Guy and BJ into my world. Of course, they aren't as into it as I am, but I'm still working. I have a tradition of going to the home opener each year. I've only missed a couple in the past 16 years. The Little Guy and I have gone twice as BJ does not like crowds (he's a party pooper on that front, for sure) so now it's our little tradition. Tickets went on sale this morning at 10:00am. I checked with the Little Guy's mother because of course the game is on a Saturday night when she has him. She sent me an e-mail back telling me that I could take him but that they had just been invited to a local campground that weekend so I'd have to pick him up from there. I knew then that there was an issue.
I asked the Little Guy what he wanted to do, camping or the game. I did not want him to feel pressured in ANY way so I gave him time to think about it. He seemed torn. Well of course he is, he's only 9 and loves camping and loves going to hockey games. I called him at daycare this morning to get his answer. He said that since we are going to the Caps Convention (really cool event with the players and staff) that he'd like to go camping. He then said that he didn't want me to be sad. I almost lost it right there. I composed myself and told him that I was fine with his decision and that I was glad he picked what he really wanted to do and that I'd see him tonight. He seemed ok when we hung up. I wasn't. I cried right at my desk. I'm tearing up now as I type this.
He chose his mother, which he should do. And now I feel like chopped liver. It just stabs home the fact that I will never know what it's like to be first choice. I will always come in 2nd or 3rd and not know what it feels like to be #1 in a child's life. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I had told BJ that whatever the Little Guy decided, I was going to the game, even if I had to scrounge to find someone to go with me. Yeah right. Without the Little Guy by my side it just wouldn't be the same. My heart is aching right now because as much as he likes going to games with me, he chose another option. And I don't blame him for that. It's hard to come from a broken home....I've lived in those shoes as a child and it sucks. So I will suck it up and make sure that he has no guilt over this because that is the last thing I want. But my heart is breaking. It's so hard to be so attached to a child that is not my own. And I know he loves me, but he's a child. He doesn't understand all this grown up drama that happens in my head and my heart. I don't want him to know because then he would have guilt. I know he would feel terrible if he knew I cried about this. He's a sensitive child that way. So I will keep my pain inside. I might try and talk to BJ about it tonight but I don't know if I'll be able to bring it up in a way that he will understand. It might be best if I just express myself here and not at home.
And to make things even worse, today is CD1. Yet another reminder that motherhood has not been obtained. This was a 30 day cycle. A cycle in which FF couldn't even pinpoint ovulation. That is a first. I pretty much know when it happened but I didn't override anything so my chart says I haven't ovulated yet. Nice. Hopefully this next cycle will be a little more understandable.