Friday, October 16, 2009

Out of Denial and a New Spark

I'm going to be blunt, and a little vulgar in this post. I'm not usually a cusser unless I'm driving or watching sports. But right now I'm pissed off. If foul language offends you, please read no further.

My fucking period is here. The dumb bitch showed up after all. Of course I knew she would, but still...I fucking hate this infertility shit. I haven't cried about a period coming in a long time but I'm on the verge right now. I had some brown spotting this morning and forgot to bring a pantie liner so I'm wearing a fucking pad and each time I go to the bathroom, there's a little more on there. (The tampons that I have here at work are all Super, my Regulars are at home.) And this last time? Fucking red on the TP. Shit, shit, shit. I am so mad at my body. And then I'm so mad at all the fertiles. So many of them have no idea how fucking hard this is. They get to prance around with their big, beautiful bellies and then tote their beautiful babies around while the rest of us are standing on the sidelines like hobos begging for money. Except of course we are begging for babies.

The "why?" question never gets answered and it never will. I know I'm not alone and that millions of other women suffer IF, too. However, right now it's MY turn to bitch and moan and throw my pity party. Except I don't want to throw a pity party, I want to throw a pity RIOT. I want us all to march in the streets with torches and banners and mega phones. And we could chant things like:
-What do we want? - BABIES
-When do we want them? - NOW
I want to gather up the people that tell us to "just relax" and "oh, don't worry so will happen when it's time" and I want to burn them at the stake while we all look on, laughing at them and telling THEM to just relax....the burning will stop hurting when it's TIME.

I know, I'm a little morbid. I get that way when I'm angry and when I feel slighted and when my period is starting because I'm once again NOT FUCKING PREGNANT and I have hormones that let me be bitchy because I can just blame it on my PERIOD. There, enough said on that. I'm sorry if I have disturbed anyone but I'm venting and of course I'm not really a violent person I'm just so tired of all of this. And this leads me to my new spark.

BJ was reading the local paper yesterday evening and stumbled upon an article that he wanted to share with me. He passed it over and the title caught my eye immediately. The local hospital has just acquired a new OB/GYN that specializes in infertility. He completed a three-year fellowship in reproductive endocrinology and infertility at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. I checked to see if the practice that he joined takes my insurance and they do. I only have coverage for diagnostics and drugs, no treatments. However, I want to sit down and talk with him and let him look over my records to see if there is anything he can tell me that would help us on this journey. I called the office and made an appointment for 10/28 at 9:00am, first of the day. I asked if he runs on time and was told that sometimes he runs late because he really likes to talk with patients and get to know them and their situation. I'm glad I am first in that morning. I don't know if he can offer anything new, especially since we have no money for him, but maybe a fresh set of eyes will spark something.


Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

UGH, TeeJay, I'm SO sorry. It does fucking suck and you're all to cuss all you want. Good for you for making the appt with the new doctor, especially in the midst of AF blues. I like the sound of him, that he likes to take the time with patients. Even with just diagnostics and drugs, maybe he can work some magic or maybe he'll know of some trials.

Anonymous said...

I know - sometimes cussing is necessary. I cuss a lot more in my head than I do out loud (or online), and I think it helps release some of the frustration.
I hate they we all have to go through such hell all the time.
I'm so glad you were able to get an appt with this new doc - I love a doctor that will take time with his patients :).

Pie said...

Burn 'em at the stake, throw rocks at them, lock 'em all up behind really high fences...I'm with ya all the way! ;)

But seriously, we all need a good cuss now and then...and now again. No need to apologize. And I love a fresh set of eyes looking at your situation. Who knows, maybe there are some diagnostics he/she can do that will at least let you know what will/won't work for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh TeeJay, I'm so sorry, but I will gladly join your pity riot! Throwing pillows and other soft things helps sometimes too.

Good for you with the first appointment. More doctors should "really likes to talk with patients" and try to understand their situation. Hope a fresh perspective can provide some other alternatives.

We're with you --

april said...

Sorry hun! :( I know how frustrating it is! Hopefully this new doc will have some insight and hopefully you guys can try something new! :) Sometimes thats all you need is a new doctor who knows his stuff!! GOOD LUCK!!!!

Anonymous said...

I missed this post while I was away. I'm really sorry you had such a bad day. Glad to hear you are doing better and moving on to a new doctor. Hang in there!