Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Hate Days Like This

I have every reason in the world to be happy. I have loving parents, a husband I love dearly, a great step-son, a job that provides very well, a new house being built and my health....and yet today, I'm very sad and I just want to cry.

I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.

All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.

I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.

I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.

I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.

5 comments:

Pie said...

((((HUGS))))

Lots of (((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))

We all have these days (or longer). It's ok, you'll find a way through, keep hanging in there, always know you have support, and feel sad if you want. It's ok. And its not your fault - really.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Oh, TeeJay, of course I know all the exact posts to which you are referring. When I was happily cycling, I lived on those boards, checking them 10x a day. Now, I find myself going a couple of days between checking. I'm still really interested and, of course, thrilled when old timers get their BFPs. But it's just so sucky to still be one of the old-timers and have all our old buddies moved on or watch newcomers pass us by. I think my heyday in that forum may have passed. Luckily I have the blogs of some of my favorites to switch over to instead! ;)

For your sanity, I'd suggest avoiding the boards on days when you're not feeling generous. I still keep in a touch with a few ladies who left the boards because the couldn't handle they newbies and BFPs. Do NOT feel like a letch - we're all jealous, that's why we're there. We're coveting what others have and we don't. It's totally normal.

callmemama said...

I definitely can't do message boards...even on good days it seems. Is it just me or do newbies seem to always sneak onto the old-timer boards and post their good news the day you've decided to check on everyone?
I'm sorry you're having a rough day - those seem to come around with no rhyme or reason to them. One day we're okay, the next day we can't find anything positive at all in our lives. It's totally normal and sometimes you just need to wallow in it so you can try and move past it.
The nice thing about pity parties on IF blogs is that you don't have to throw them alone :)

Wait, What? said...

I'm sorry you're having another bad day. From one day to the next, I don't know what gets us through but we always manage to pull through. We are here for you. We know what it feels like to feel down for no good reason, to feel jealous of others BFPs then to beat ourselves up for feeling jealous. I wish I could give you a big hug. Just hang in there!!

Mommy-in-Waiting said...

This journey sucks and I think it's fine to have days where you just feel sorry for yourself. It'snot as if you don't have plenty of reasons for that to go along with the good things. On another day when you are feeling stronger you can concentrate on all the great things in your life.