Thursday, October 15, 2009

Lying to Myself

You know the point in your cycle when you start lying to yourself? Yes, you do...don't act innocent on this one. It's the point where your period is a few days away and you see the slightest (and I do mean slight) tinge on the good old TP. If you happen to be "active" at this point and when you are...ahem...cleaning yourself up, you definitely notice some tinges of color on the TP. Well, this has been happening to me. I know...you're so surprised aren't you?

I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.

I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.

3 comments:

callmemama said...

Oh, dear, yes we all do it. It's amazing how we can hide the knowledge that we're spotting waaay back in the corner of our mind so that we even convince ourselves that we aren't. And then there's "implantation" spotting which gives us hope...

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Oh boy, I know that don't-say-it-aloud-or-it-might-not-happen mindset. Sometimes I'm sitting next to NoodleGuy on the couch, watching TV and I realize that I have a little nugget of TTC info and I have this whole debate in my head about whether or not to share it. Of course, it's usually something so minute that he doesn't even understand what it means when/if I do share it. But sometimes I hoard it like a squirrel in winter, thinking some personal karma might work in my favor if I do. I'm telling you, TTC makes us loopy!

I like the sound of the pink tinge though. I've got everything croseed for you!

gracieinbrooklyn said...

I hear you - however whenever I ignore things (like spotting) I end up in a situation where I don't have a pad, a tampon, have a client meeting and am wearing light pants. Consequently, I have stashed supplies so many places that I don't have any left at home!