9dp5dt - Rerun

Very quick update from my phone. I used the 2nd test from the box at 5:30 this morning and got the same faint line. I'm guessing that if this were real it'd be much darker by now. I'm heading to Wally world to get a frer. I read yesterday that the blue line tests are more likely to show a faint line like that than the pink lined tests. BJ knew I was supposed to test this morning but he has yet to ask mr about it. Maybe he thinks it was negative so he doesn't want to start the waterworks. Anyway, I'll be testing again tomorrow morning with the name brand test and that should really let me know my answer. I just wish I could be excited. I'm just really confused. Thank you all for your level headed comments. I really appreciate you keeping me grounded during this limbo dance I'm in.

8dp5dt - This is Different

I know I said I wasn't testing until tomorrow but I couldn't help it.  Let me explain my weakness.  I started getting a headache yesterday afternoon.  The kind I get about 2 to 3 days before my period starts.  I actually still have it today.  I also felt some very different kind of twinges in my abdomen yesterday afternoon.  It definitely wasn't my ovary as it was lower and more centered.  At that point I really didn't know what to think.  Many women complain of the twinges and the pains and for a lot of them it really is their uterus working away at sustaining and embryo.  I am of the state of mind that those twinges are caused from the extra E2 I'm putting in my body to MAKE my lining thicker than usual so of course I will feel it twinging and pulling, right?

On a whim I stopped in at the drugstore on my walk to work from the bus stop.  I bought a cheap store brand 2-pack of tests.  The one that is supposed to be as good as the name brand test that can detect a positive up to 5 days before a missed period.  I didn't use FMU.  I just wanted to put myself out of my misery so that I can get on with my life.  So I peed on that stick.  And after I washed my hands I picked it up and took a deep breath because I KNEW what I would be seeing....nothing.  But that's not quite what I saw.

I was in disbelief and my breath got caught in my throat.  Don't worry, I don't really believe it.  It's a very faint line and you probably can't even see it in these pictures.  It's probably an evaporation line or the last of the HCG exiting my body or the by product of a very cheap test.  However, I can't help but wonder if it's real.  My heart is wanting to jump all over and do cartwheels but my head is strapping my heart down in a straight jacket at this point.  I don't want anyone getting too excited over this.  I just was so shocked to even see that faint of a line that I had to share with all of you.  I've never even had an evap line to get excited over.  I've only ever seen the blank white window staring at me.  So now I am even more anxious to get tomorrow's test over with.  I need to get out of this limbo pattern so I can figure out the rest of my life.

Please don't send me comments with encouragement to believe this.  Please send me level headed, let's wait and see comments, ok?  My fragile emotional state will not be able to handle anything else.  And I might be the only one seeing this second line anyway.  I just checked it again (it's been about an hour since I tested) and it's so light, at 8dp5dt it should be much darker if it's a true positive...I'm sure it's just an evap line or a bad test.

Happiness Is...

- The Little Guy will get to pitch his first game tonight (provided we don't get rained out)!  And not only that, but he's playing against his "step-brothers'" team.  His mother's boyfriend's boys are on the opposing team.  It will be so great to see him pitch in a game for the first time.  He's nervous about it so I need to find a way to help him relax.

- getting an Easter basket from my husband for the first time ever!  I always make him and the LG one but this year I actually got one, too.  We exchanged baskets on Monday because we didn't have the LG on Sunday.  My basket was very special because it was actually a recycled Christmas basket (it still had Christmas holly decorations on it).  :-)  BJ must have picked the first basket he saw in our basement to fill with goodies.  I received lots of chocolate....yummm and a huge Reese's peanut butter egg!  I haven't "cracked" into that one just yet.

- finding a new potato chip that I like...Pop! Chips.  The bbq are my favorite, they have the slightest little kick to them.  The best part is that they are natural, really.  They are sort of like Pringles but thicker and puffier.  Hard to explain.  Check them out if you are a chip lover.

- having a dream last night about POAS and getting a positive.  I was crying while peeing on the stick and then when I turned it over to look at the results I had to wipe the tears out of my eyes to see that there were actually 2 lines.  I can't even explain the emotions that came over me.  I woke up and was very disappointed that it was just a dream and I don't give much credence to dreams, but it was nice to have that really happy feeling for a few minutes.  Even if it was all in my head.

- finally getting a glimpse of Sarah's new bundle of joy!  She and her husband are adopting a baby and she gets to meet him for the first time today...her birthday!  Please go and congratulate her...and let her know what a cute little guy she has.

6dp5dt - The Burning Question

When I say burning, I mean it's burning in my head.  The question is When Will I Test?

As it stands right now I have the following symptoms:
* None

I have no symptoms that couldn't just be explained away by the extra estrogen and the extra progesterone.  My belly feels a little bloated.  I'm tired.  I'm emotional (more on that in a minute).  I've felt a few twinges here and there in the ute/ovary area.  Pretty much, my ovaries are trying to get back to normal and the extra estrogen is filling up my lining more than usual so it's no wonder I've been feeling something here and there.  My boobs are sore (although, as of this morning not as much as before).

I'm too scared to test.  I get teary eyed when I think about doing it.  The good thing is that I don't own any tests right now.  Not even any opk's.  I've had a few fleeting moments where I have thought about stopping on my way home to get a test and then I just drive by all the stores without even glancing their way.  I will not wait for beta, that is for sure.  I will probably test Saturday morning.  I will be 9dp5dt.  There will be an answer.  I'm picking Saturday morning because I can't bear the thought of coming to work on Friday if it's negative.  And I'm starting to believe that it will be.  Did you just hear me catch my breath and gulp back tears?

I know it's early and that many women do not feel any symptoms this early...or at all.  However, it's just a sinking feeling that I have.  I have bad eggs that made bad embryos.  I know the reality of that mix.  I've been googling and reading message boards and blogs a lot this week.  Some women have great stories and others have crappy stories.  I'm not giving up hope but I'm definitely trying to prepare myself for reality.  I want to believe that my embryos are thriving and hanging on but I'm having a really hard time with that.  Why would this time be any different than before?

I wish I could be more positive.  I'm just too scared to be.  I was so positive through all the stimming and everything up until yesterday.  All of my emotions have come crashing down on me.  This is IT, folks.  This is my last chance to have a child of my own.  There is no more money and if there were I don't know that I could do this again.  There is so much riding on this.  My entire life will change Saturday morning with that pee stick.  If there is a blank window I fear a blank future.  I know that I have much to be thankful for in my life (I will be doing a happiness post next just to remind me) but knowing that I will not be a mother is going to be a tough pill to swallow.  A pill with razors and saw blades and barbed wire, to be exact.  It's a pill that I don't want to swallow and that I don't know (at this time) how to swallow.  If the test shows 2 lines...I don't need to explain to you how my life will change but it will be amazing.

My emotions are running so high right now.  I'm feeling down and depressed and ready to cry at anything.  My mind won't shut up with all of its "what if this didn't work?" crap.  I'm trying really hard but I just can't picture a positive outcome.  I know nothing is over until Saturday morning, but my heart feels like it's over.  My mind is trying to wrap itself around a (bio)childless future and it's bleak to say the least.  I have to find a way to push through this.  I have to reach deep inside and find strength like never before to carry on.  There have been a few times in my life where I've had to deal with major losses but I have found a way to function and now I fear that I will have to do that again.  It takes so much out of me to fight depression and I just don't want to go back there.  I'm afraid of what it will mean for my marriage.  My husband loves me but he doesn't understand my grief.  He doesn't like to see me sad which means I have to be fake and being fake with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to will suck the life out of me.  I'm not sure I can be fake this time.  I'm not sure I will be able to just move on and get over it at his speed.  I will need to do it in my own way and in my own time and I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it.  Man, this is fucking hard.

Why can't I just be normal?  Why can't I just have good eggs?  Why do I feel like I'm being punished?  There are 100 "why" questions out there and unfortunately there are no answers.  It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it now.  I will know my answer Saturday morning.  My life will change.  I hope for the better but I am preparing for the worst.

Wow! A Blogging Award!

Tracy has graciously awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award!  I'm so excited!  Thank you so very much.

The rules are pretty simple:

◦Snatch the image. (done)
◦Link back the person who gave you the award. (done)
◦Share 7 things about myself. (see below)
◦Award 10 other bloggers and contact them so they know they’ve won. (will do)

1 - I went to 13 different schools during my 12 year school career.  I was a chameleon for the most part, able to blend in without too much work and without being noticed, most of the time.  It was much harder in High School but it's not like I had a choice.  Some switches were in the middle of the school year and those were tough.  I think it has made me pretty resilient.
 
2 - I'm technically an only child but I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister from my mom and 2 half brothers from my dad and stepmom.  I haven't shared much about my family and siblings on here as a lot of it is pretty painful, but I will one day.
 
3 - I have a beta fish as a pet at work.  One of our employees was leaving at the end of 2008 and he couldn't take his fish with him so I volunteered to keep her.  She's red and very mean.  I named her Lucy after Lucille Ball.  I say she's mean because if I hold my hand over the top of the bowl she tries to jump up and bite me.  I know she's probably really a "he" but she's been Lucy to me since I laid eyes on her so that was that.
 
4 - I love beagles.  They are the cutest dogs and they have the best ears and the greatest bark/howl ever.  I wish I wanted a dog for a pet because I would totally have 2 beagles...no matter what my husband said.  My heart melts every time I see one of those calendars with little beagle puppies.  Two of our neighbors have beagles and I love them.
 
5 - I'm a huge hockey fan.  Many of you already know this about me.  I love my Capitals and I so hope they can get their shit together this year and make a serious run for (if not WIN) Lord Stanley's Cup.  It would fill my heart with such joy.  That must sound pathetic to some of you, but I've been a Caps fan for 16 years and they have never won the Cup and they hardly ever make it out of the first round of the playoffs...we are DUE!
 
6 - I love yellow roses.  I'm not much on flowery things as I'm not much of a girly girl, but BJ gave me yellow roses early on in our relationship and I have loved them ever since.  I had a bouquet of yellow roses at our wedding and the pew bows had yellow rose buds...it was lovely.
 
7 - I'm a chocoholic.  I love chocolate...really good, creamy chocolate.  I don't eat much of it so that when I do I take my time and enjoy every morsel.  My favorite is Godiva but I also love Dove.  Hershey is my favorite "cheap" chocolate.  I will hold a piece in my mouth until it slowly melts.  By that point, my entire mouth is coated in chocolaty goodness.  That also means that the flavor lasts longer and I eat less of it.  I actually have 2 dark chocolate Hershey miniatures on my desk right now waiting for me to eat this afternoon.  I can't wait.
 
I'd like to take this opportunity to bestow this award upon the following bloggers.  I love to read each of them for their very different writing styles and their very different takes on life.  Some of them have babies or are pregnant so consider yourself warned.  Without further ado, I give you:
 
A.
Egg
Someday Soon
Sarah
Sarah - a different Sarah
Jenn
Gracie
Elphaba
Kelly
Alex

National Infertility Awareness Week - Bust a Myth

Hello everyone.  I would like to take just a quick minute of your time to bust an infertility myth that has bothered me for years.  There are many things that I have heard over the years (and still today) that bother me but one of the most annoying (in my life) is when I hear that women are just waiting too long to try and have babies.  If women would get married younger and not worry about their careers so much, then they wouldn't have to worry about conceiving a baby.  By waiting to get married and then waiting even longer to start a family, it's no wonder they are infertile.

That is total BS.

Infertility strikes many women for many different reasons at many different ages.  I, for one, started trying to have a baby when I was 24.  Got that?  24!  I wanted to be a young mom.  I wanted to be done having any kids I was going to have well before I turned 30.  Here I am about to turn 35 (eek!) and I'm STILL trying.  Infertility does not care how old we are.  Is there truth to the fact that as a woman ages her chances of conceiving decline with each passing year?  Absolutely.  However, infertility is a disease.  Decreased fertility due to age is totally different.

I may have been 24 when I started trying but apparently my eggs are about 20 years older.  I had great looking charts each month....nice low temps then a spike after ovulation...several days of ewcm leading up to ovulation and a cycle that ran 28 days.  It doesn't get better than that, right?  Wrong.  Those eggs that I was ovulating were obviously no good.  Sometimes a woman's body is not her friend.  Sometimes we are deprived of the one privilege that eludes us, being able to conceive and carry a baby to term.

Many other diseases do not discriminate by age...neither does Infertility.  It can strike a 40-year-old just as it can strike an unsuspecting 24-year-old.  Please do not tell me that I'm having problems or that "all these women that think they can have a career AND a family should have placed more priority on the family because now it's too late" that we started trying too late.  Infertility is a real disease that can enter the lives of anyone at any given time.

4dp5dt - Spring Break is Over

My Spring break is over and I'm not at all happy about it.  I have not taken that much time off (during nice weather months) in years.  I didn't HAVE to do anything, really.  I just puttered around and did what I WANTED to do.  I loved every minute of it.  Some of the things I did while I was off:  got my oil changed, saw a movie with the Little Guy, got a pedicure, shopped for ME (I got 2 shorts, 2 capris, 1 jeans and new sandals for $140!), straightened up the garage, tried new recipes, got waxed, took naps...what's not to love?

A quick "welcome" to anyone visiting for ICLW!  It's nice to have you here.  You can get a quick glimpse of what my TTC history looks like over in my side bar.  I am currently in my 2ww of my final attempt at conceiving a child.  The cycle went better than I expected in some areas and has been a little disappointing in others.  I keep telling myself that "it is what it is" at this point.  We transferred 2 "ok, grade C" (my doctor's words) embryos last Thursday.  I'm trying not to get wrapped up in too much hope and confidence while also trying to stay as positive as I can.  The voices in my head can be very conflicting at times.  :-)

Thanks to a couple of my blogging buddies I know that today my embryo(s) should be burying deeper into my lining.  I'm hoping that is the case.  I'm not feeling anything, of course.  Well, aside from the constant ache of my boobs.  They have been hurting since about day 3 of my bcp.  It eased up a little once I started my stims but then as my E2 continued to rise and we added my trigger shot to the mix they have started hurting again.  Yesterday they began hurting even worse.  I think the Estrace twice a day and the Edometrin 3 times a day is catching up to me.  I can hardly bear to be without a bra.  And it's not like I have a full rack, either.  I'm a measly A cup for crying out loud  This is probably the only time in my life that I'm glad to be small chested.

I'm back at work and it sucks.  The weather is wonderful outside and I'm stuck in here.  Man, I wish I could be a stay at home woman.  BJ took today off to spend the day with the Little Guy, it's his last day of Spring break.  They are going to have a guys day.  I'm not sure what that entails, exactly, but I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.

I'm going to write a quick post in honor of NIAW and "Bust a Myth" shortly.  I have a myth that I'd like to bust.  I only wish I were brave enough to really "come out" of the Infertility Closet.  Here is a picture of my little embabies.  They aren't much to look at but they are ours and I am loving them with my whole heart right now.  The one on the left is the "better" one.  They are both pretty fragmented but I'm still hoping at least one of them sticks.