It's CD11 and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for some sort of fertile cm. I'm waiting for the tell tale pinching signs of ovulation. I'm waiting for a temp spike to prove that I ovulated. I'm not good at waiting. This is proof that I really need to order some opk's so that I at least know a little bit more about what is going on in my body. Since I have been ovulating at such irregular times lately, I have no clue when it will be this cycle. I guess I will find out after it happens but that doesn't do me much good, now does it?
I started to think that I am ready to consider adoption. Then I changed my mind. Then I changed it back again. I want to be a mother. I want to be a mother to a child that doesn't have another mother. Don't think I don't know how selfish that sounds. I, in NO way, am diminishing the love an adoptive family has within it. I know first hand how strong that bond is. I had 2 friends (twins) in HS that were fostered and then adopted. I love adoption stories. I wish adoption were an easier process and less expensive and less lengthy. I wish I could throw myself into adoption and not look back.
As most of my regular readers know, I'm a step-mom. I love it, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard because he has another mother to love and that takes care of him. I know that an adopted child would be my child and that I would love it as though I birthed it. However, the fear of said child growing up and wanting answers about who he is or where he came from and then seeking out those answers scares the crap out of me. The child knowing that there was someone out there that actually DID birth him means that he knows I'm not his real mom. Grown up adopted children probably don't think that way. They love the people that raised them and call them their parents. But what about school aged children? And what about those dreaded teen years? It's bad enough that I'm waiting for the Little Guy to spit out the words "you're not my mother" as I'm sure he will at some point. But to sit around and wait and dread hearing them from someone that I consider to be my child and only mine (and BJ's of course)? I couldn't' bear it. I'm not good at waiting for things to happen, good or bad. And waiting for the day when my child comes to me and asks about his adoption and if he can find his real mom and dad....well, that would just kill me. I think it's important for an adopted child to know who they are and where they came from. However, I'm selfish enough not to want to live through it myself.
I give major props to families that make it work. Especially open adoption families. I think it's great for them. It's not great for me. Dealing with the Little Guy's mother is enough of a task sometimes. She has the upper hand. She's the mother that carried him for 9 months and took care of him when he was sick and she's the one that is his world. I can't compete with that. I don't even try. As much as I have fought to try and be a mother the last thing I want to do is fight to stay a mother to my child, in his eyes.
I'm scared of adoption. We don't even have the money for it, but I started leaning that way and then quickly leaned back because all of these fears starting welling up inside of me. I know that millions of families are created through adoption and I love that. I know that many mothers are where they are because of adoption. But I'm not there.
I know that millions of people have experienced great fun and exhilaration by bungee jumping....but I won't try it.
So I sit here waiting. Waiting for my body to produce a bad egg that won't get fertilized and if it does fertilize, waiting for it not to implant. Waiting for my time to run out for a pregnancy. Waiting for the end of my TTC road. Waiting to find out where my path will lead me next. Waiting for some sort of answer.
Did I mention that I'm not very good at waiting?