Waiting...

It's CD11 and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for some sort of fertile cm. I'm waiting for the tell tale pinching signs of ovulation. I'm waiting for a temp spike to prove that I ovulated. I'm not good at waiting. This is proof that I really need to order some opk's so that I at least know a little bit more about what is going on in my body. Since I have been ovulating at such irregular times lately, I have no clue when it will be this cycle. I guess I will find out after it happens but that doesn't do me much good, now does it?


I started to think that I am ready to consider adoption. Then I changed my mind. Then I changed it back again. I want to be a mother. I want to be a mother to a child that doesn't have another mother. Don't think I don't know how selfish that sounds. I, in NO way, am diminishing the love an adoptive family has within it. I know first hand how strong that bond is. I had 2 friends (twins) in HS that were fostered and then adopted. I love adoption stories. I wish adoption were an easier process and less expensive and less lengthy. I wish I could throw myself into adoption and not look back.


As most of my regular readers know, I'm a step-mom. I love it, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard because he has another mother to love and that takes care of him. I know that an adopted child would be my child and that I would love it as though I birthed it. However, the fear of said child growing up and wanting answers about who he is or where he came from and then seeking out those answers scares the crap out of me. The child knowing that there was someone out there that actually DID birth him means that he knows I'm not his real mom. Grown up adopted children probably don't think that way. They love the people that raised them and call them their parents. But what about school aged children? And what about those dreaded teen years? It's bad enough that I'm waiting for the Little Guy to spit out the words "you're not my mother" as I'm sure he will at some point. But to sit around and wait and dread hearing them from someone that I consider to be my child and only mine (and BJ's of course)? I couldn't' bear it. I'm not good at waiting for things to happen, good or bad. And waiting for the day when my child comes to me and asks about his adoption and if he can find his real mom and dad....well, that would just kill me. I think it's important for an adopted child to know who they are and where they came from. However, I'm selfish enough not to want to live through it myself.


I give major props to families that make it work. Especially open adoption families. I think it's great for them. It's not great for me. Dealing with the Little Guy's mother is enough of a task sometimes. She has the upper hand. She's the mother that carried him for 9 months and took care of him when he was sick and she's the one that is his world. I can't compete with that. I don't even try. As much as I have fought to try and be a mother the last thing I want to do is fight to stay a mother to my child, in his eyes.

I'm scared of adoption. We don't even have the money for it, but I started leaning that way and then quickly leaned back because all of these fears starting welling up inside of me. I know that millions of families are created through adoption and I love that. I know that many mothers are where they are because of adoption. But I'm not there.

I know that millions of people have experienced great fun and exhilaration by bungee jumping....but I won't try it.

So I sit here waiting. Waiting for my body to produce a bad egg that won't get fertilized and if it does fertilize, waiting for it not to implant. Waiting for my time to run out for a pregnancy. Waiting for the end of my TTC road. Waiting to find out where my path will lead me next. Waiting for some sort of answer.

Did I mention that I'm not very good at waiting?

Now the Waiting Begins

We actually had "relations" last night, can you believe it? And don't you just love how we IF girls spew the most private of details out where everyone can read about it? So now we wait. And since I ovulated on CD10 I have a bit longer than 2 weeks. I'm going to try and stay positive that we weren't too late or too early and maybe the power of positive thinking will get me somewhere. You know, like off this seemingly never ending road of disappointment and failure.

This morning it was twice as warm outside as yesterday morning. However, it was still only 30 degrees. I'm so done with Winter and cold weather. I'm a warm weather kind of girl, for sure. Living in Southern California for 4 years when I was a kid spoiled me to no end. We actually got some flurries last night that coated the grass and driveway. I'm over the snow. There are still piles of it all up and down the road and in parking lots...it just won't melt. And it's only early January. Yay.

We have been invited to join our friends (one of which will be celebrating his 50th b-day) in Atlantic City later this month. I need to check to see if we can get a comp room because if we can't, then we aren't going. We had fun with them the last time we went...last January...so if we go, I'm sure it will be a good time. Of course, this all makes me think about the last time we went to A.C. and I was stimming and getting ready for ER. Seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I guess the emotions are still pretty raw from all of that. That was our last get away that the 2 of us took so we are due for one. We usually go away in September but we were saving for the house so we didn't go anywhere. It's time.

I don't want to use our real names on this blog but I highly doubt that anyone IRL reads it. If they did, I'm sure they would know who we are by what I write, anyway. I'm going to post some pictures of us pretty soon. And I think I might post some pictures of my scrapbooking work. I'm going to make what's called a Paper Album for BJ for Valentine's Day. It's a small paper album (as the name suggests) that has 12 or 16 pages in it. And it comes with paper and stickers for you to do with as you see fit. It's like a greeting card but it's full of pictures. He has framed photos on his desk of us and the Little Guy that are 3 years old. They were professionally taken pictures so they are nice...but they are old. And the people in his office recently said that they are tired of looking at them. :-) So I'm going to select and print some of my favorite group and couple shots of us for this paper album and he can set it on his desk and people can just come by and flip through it. Or he can stand it up and sort of fan it out to let folks see inside. I figure it's better than buying a store bought card and what do you get a guy for Valentine's Day? So that being said, I will have the pictures on a flash drive here at work so I may as well post them, right? I need to get cracking because the best day for me to work on this is MLK, Jr. day and I need to get the pictures printed soon! That way you guys can put a face to the blog.