There is so much going on at times in my life that it seems some sort of sh!t hits the fan every day. Here's a quick rundown of the happenings in my life over the last week or so...non-TTC related:
1 - the Little Guy's mother fell off a horse Tuesday night. He came to stay with us while she went to the ER. No problem...other than he was still with her and it was 9:00pm which is his bed time. He finally got to our house at 9:50 and then didn't end up in bed until about 10:20. He has to get up at 6:00 and he's only 8 with a heart condition that makes him need more sleep. Also found out that they didn't do all his homework because they were rushing to get to the farm. Also found out that she packed him a lunch of turkey bacon and cheese-its. WTH kind of lunch is that for an 8 year old? There's a myriad of "what was she thinking" episodes that we go through every once in a while with her. She's a good mother and loves her son, but I could fill a blog with the stories I have just about her. She is ok from the horse fall, thank goodness.
2 - we ran into our new neighbors at the new house last weekend. Pleasant people. The wife talks a lot and I can tell there is some busy bodied-ness going on there. All in all, I hope they are good neighbors. The husband is a cop and wanted to exchange cell numbers with BJ. BJ is now getting text messages from him...."they poured our basement walls". And this morning...."they put insulation in your house yesterday, I saw it from the outside". Hmmmm....have we created a monster? I am a social person - outside of my home. I've never been close with any neighbors...this situation scares me. I like to wave at neighbors and talk about the weather we are having. I don't particularly like the idea of them in my house (albeit it IS still under construction) when I'm not there. I'm sure I'm over reacting but I'm worried that the can of proverbial worms has been opened. The good thing is that I find them very nice and friendly. I will hang on to that right now.
3 - My sister had her appointment with her neurosurgeon. He was an ass. He basically dismissed all of her pain and complaints. For any new readers, this is why my sister had to see a neurosurgeon. He told her to have another type of MRI in November and come back to see him. She has headaches that radiate through her neck and her spine. How is that irrelevant? Especially since she is getting worse, see here. He said that her situation wasn't severe enough to think she needs any surgery right now. Ok, that's good, but why is she still in so much pain? I just don't know how to help her. Very frustrating.
4 - My thyroid doctor's office is full of rude ladies. I went to her in April just before beginning my first attempt at IVF. She told me that if I got pg to come back right away and if not then come back in 5 to 6 months because my TSH has leveled off and I'm doing good. IVF came and went and we all know how that turned out. Well, I called her at the beginning of September to make my appointment. Nothing was available until 10/27. My meds were out of refills so I had to call and talk to a recording to get a new script mailed to me. I did this on Friday. I called yesterday because I hadn't gotten it yet and now I'm OUT of meds. The first girl told me that she would see what she could do about taping it to the door after hours. Well, BJ offered to go and get it instead. Yay for a good man. When I called back to let them know that he'd be picking it up, I was asked to hang on. The girl came back and said that Dr. L is not going to refill this before seeing you because you were supposed to check in with her from April. I was rushed off the phone and stunned. BJ didn't get my message not to go by there and so he did anyway. She was rude to him before offering a sample box of my Synthroid. He would have let her have it if she was any worse with him. I will be letting the doc know my feelings on her scheduling practices anyway. It's one of those offices where your appointment is at 3:00 and they call you back at 4:00, 4:15...whatever suits their fancy.
5 - the neighbors mentioned above have a closing date of 1/4/2010. They just poured their basement walls yesterday...about 6 weeks after ours was poured. So you would figure that we would be moving in about 6 weeks before them. Not so much. BJ talked to the builder this morning and he's pretty sure we have a closing date of 12/18/2009. All of 1 week before Christmas. Fun for us. That means no decorating the rental because we will be packing and then rushing like crazy to get the tree up and all our things mostly unpacked by the 24th. That's a lot of work in a small amount of time. Oh well, it will make a good story for our first Christmas in the new house.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. If you made it through all of that, I commend you. I might post again later with something a little more light hearted. Ta ta for now!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Welcome ICLW'ers!
I haven't really done a post to celebrate ICLW yet, so this is my first. Welcome to my blog.
I have to start out by saying that I have the BEST blog readers EVER! They never fail to cheer me up and let me know that I'm not alone and most importantly...that I'm not crazy. They also give me good advice and let me see another side of things sometimes. So a big THANK YOU to my blogging buddies!
Now for anyone new.....I am 33 (sheesh, where does the time go?) and STILL trying to have my first child. I've never been knocked up and at times I think I never will be. I started this journey with my first husband in August of 2000. We only ever tried naturally and were tested and told that we were both fine. I had the best kind of textbook cycle and was so proud of it that I thought for sure we'd have a baby in no time. Not so much. I am now with a new husband that I love dearly and can't believe that I was lucky enough to stumble across. I am a step-mother to his wonderful 8-year old boy, the Little Guy. We have been trying to get knocked up since May of 2006. We have been through 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are back to trying things a little more naturally. We sometimes have issues with timing...neither of us likes the pressure and the Little Guy can make it a challenge to do things on a schedule as well. I've had a pretty wacky cycle since the IVF but I think I'm on the road back to some sort of regularity. I'm charting and using OPK's and hoping for the best. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN that specializes in the diagnosis and management of infertility on 10/28. I'm hoping that maybe a fresh set of eyes can determine a new path. We have no more money for treatments but my insurance will cover anything diagnostic as well as most of any meds. Not sure about ultrasounds due to monitoring unless they are coded as diagnostic and that is kind of lying so I don't know if there will be any monitoring...hopefully some clomid at the very least....just to make sure things happen when they are supposed to.
But that is where I am right now (in the smallest of nutshells). I have my down days and my up days. Yesterday was a down day but I think that today will be an up day. Thanks for reading my blog.
I have to start out by saying that I have the BEST blog readers EVER! They never fail to cheer me up and let me know that I'm not alone and most importantly...that I'm not crazy. They also give me good advice and let me see another side of things sometimes. So a big THANK YOU to my blogging buddies!
Now for anyone new.....I am 33 (sheesh, where does the time go?) and STILL trying to have my first child. I've never been knocked up and at times I think I never will be. I started this journey with my first husband in August of 2000. We only ever tried naturally and were tested and told that we were both fine. I had the best kind of textbook cycle and was so proud of it that I thought for sure we'd have a baby in no time. Not so much. I am now with a new husband that I love dearly and can't believe that I was lucky enough to stumble across. I am a step-mother to his wonderful 8-year old boy, the Little Guy. We have been trying to get knocked up since May of 2006. We have been through 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are back to trying things a little more naturally. We sometimes have issues with timing...neither of us likes the pressure and the Little Guy can make it a challenge to do things on a schedule as well. I've had a pretty wacky cycle since the IVF but I think I'm on the road back to some sort of regularity. I'm charting and using OPK's and hoping for the best. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN that specializes in the diagnosis and management of infertility on 10/28. I'm hoping that maybe a fresh set of eyes can determine a new path. We have no more money for treatments but my insurance will cover anything diagnostic as well as most of any meds. Not sure about ultrasounds due to monitoring unless they are coded as diagnostic and that is kind of lying so I don't know if there will be any monitoring...hopefully some clomid at the very least....just to make sure things happen when they are supposed to.
But that is where I am right now (in the smallest of nutshells). I have my down days and my up days. Yesterday was a down day but I think that today will be an up day. Thanks for reading my blog.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I Hate Days Like This
I have every reason in the world to be happy. I have loving parents, a husband I love dearly, a great step-son, a job that provides very well, a new house being built and my health....and yet today, I'm very sad and I just want to cry.
I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.
All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.
I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.
I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.
I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.
I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.
All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.
I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.
I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.
I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.
Monday, October 19, 2009
CD3 - Here Comes the Sun...
I am so happy to see the sun today...and the blue sky. I haven't seen the sun or the blue sky since last Wednesday. It has been cold, wet and dreary for days. I hate this kind of weather. I am a sunshine and 80 degree girl. I should be living in Southern California. That, after all, is where I got spoiled on the weather.
I went to a scrapbooking crop yesterday. I love scrapping. I haven't done any since early June. The Croptoberfest event last year was my first real experience with scrapping. So basically I hit my 1 year anniversary with it. I have completed my wedding album and a "family" album so far. When I started this hobby last year, I fully believed that I would have a baby album to start on very soon as BJ and I had just had our initial consultation with the Clinic. Well, here I am a year later and no closer to that album. I dream about doing one of those every time I see the pretty pink and blue paper and embellishments. I have actually started avoiding those items in the craft store. It's starting to sting. And when I go to crops, most of the women there are working on albums that include their kids and/or babies galore. I have the Little Guy to talk about and show pictures of but I always have to confess that he is my step-son. Then the question always comes..."so, do you have any kids of your own?". And I have to say, "no, not yet...hopefully soon." It never gets easier to deal with those questions no matter how long you have been at this. Maybe one day I will get to use that beautiful paper and those cute little stickers...
I called to request my medical records for my appointment with the new doctor and they told me it could take up to 3 WEEKS to get them. Great. Just. My. Luck. That, and they want to charge me .73 per page. As if they don't already have enough of my money. So it looks like I will be seeing the doctor with no records. BJ said not to change my appointment and to still go in and talk to him so that's what I'm going to do. I will make some notes of what I remember and also give him the low down on my cycles these past few months. Hopefully that will be enough to maybe get him to give me some Clomid. BJ also made the comment that we need to be better about timing. I agreed and then followed up with "I try not to nag you about that...". He didn't really respond but he knows he has issues about timing. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?
AF is basically gone. There has been nothing today and I mean nothing to speak of. I love the shortness but as usual, I dread there is a bad reason for it. I basically started to really spot Friday...in the late morning early afternoon. By 9:00pm it was basically a flow...too late in the day to be considered CD1 (at least by my clinic's standards). I had a medium (for me) flow Saturday and a light flow yesterday and she's practically gone today. It kind of makes waiting for O harder because once I'm done, I like to know that O is just a few days away, not a week or more. Gotta love the human body.
Thank you all for your replies from Friday. It's good to know that I can come here and be a raving lunatic once in a while and that I'm not the one getting burned at the stake for it. :-)
I went to a scrapbooking crop yesterday. I love scrapping. I haven't done any since early June. The Croptoberfest event last year was my first real experience with scrapping. So basically I hit my 1 year anniversary with it. I have completed my wedding album and a "family" album so far. When I started this hobby last year, I fully believed that I would have a baby album to start on very soon as BJ and I had just had our initial consultation with the Clinic. Well, here I am a year later and no closer to that album. I dream about doing one of those every time I see the pretty pink and blue paper and embellishments. I have actually started avoiding those items in the craft store. It's starting to sting. And when I go to crops, most of the women there are working on albums that include their kids and/or babies galore. I have the Little Guy to talk about and show pictures of but I always have to confess that he is my step-son. Then the question always comes..."so, do you have any kids of your own?". And I have to say, "no, not yet...hopefully soon." It never gets easier to deal with those questions no matter how long you have been at this. Maybe one day I will get to use that beautiful paper and those cute little stickers...
I called to request my medical records for my appointment with the new doctor and they told me it could take up to 3 WEEKS to get them. Great. Just. My. Luck. That, and they want to charge me .73 per page. As if they don't already have enough of my money. So it looks like I will be seeing the doctor with no records. BJ said not to change my appointment and to still go in and talk to him so that's what I'm going to do. I will make some notes of what I remember and also give him the low down on my cycles these past few months. Hopefully that will be enough to maybe get him to give me some Clomid. BJ also made the comment that we need to be better about timing. I agreed and then followed up with "I try not to nag you about that...". He didn't really respond but he knows he has issues about timing. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?
AF is basically gone. There has been nothing today and I mean nothing to speak of. I love the shortness but as usual, I dread there is a bad reason for it. I basically started to really spot Friday...in the late morning early afternoon. By 9:00pm it was basically a flow...too late in the day to be considered CD1 (at least by my clinic's standards). I had a medium (for me) flow Saturday and a light flow yesterday and she's practically gone today. It kind of makes waiting for O harder because once I'm done, I like to know that O is just a few days away, not a week or more. Gotta love the human body.
Thank you all for your replies from Friday. It's good to know that I can come here and be a raving lunatic once in a while and that I'm not the one getting burned at the stake for it. :-)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Out of Denial and a New Spark
I'm going to be blunt, and a little vulgar in this post. I'm not usually a cusser unless I'm driving or watching sports. But right now I'm pissed off. If foul language offends you, please read no further.
My fucking period is here. The dumb bitch showed up after all. Of course I knew she would, but still...I fucking hate this infertility shit. I haven't cried about a period coming in a long time but I'm on the verge right now. I had some brown spotting this morning and forgot to bring a pantie liner so I'm wearing a fucking pad and each time I go to the bathroom, there's a little more on there. (The tampons that I have here at work are all Super, my Regulars are at home.) And this last time? Fucking red on the TP. Shit, shit, shit. I am so mad at my body. And then I'm so mad at all the fertiles. So many of them have no idea how fucking hard this is. They get to prance around with their big, beautiful bellies and then tote their beautiful babies around while the rest of us are standing on the sidelines like hobos begging for money. Except of course we are begging for babies.
The "why?" question never gets answered and it never will. I know I'm not alone and that millions of other women suffer IF, too. However, right now it's MY turn to bitch and moan and throw my pity party. Except I don't want to throw a pity party, I want to throw a pity RIOT. I want us all to march in the streets with torches and banners and mega phones. And we could chant things like:
-What do we want? - BABIES
-When do we want them? - NOW
I want to gather up the people that tell us to "just relax" and "oh, don't worry so much...it will happen when it's time" and I want to burn them at the stake while we all look on, laughing at them and telling THEM to just relax....the burning will stop hurting when it's TIME.
I know, I'm a little morbid. I get that way when I'm angry and when I feel slighted and when my period is starting because I'm once again NOT FUCKING PREGNANT and I have hormones that let me be bitchy because I can just blame it on my PERIOD. There, enough said on that. I'm sorry if I have disturbed anyone but I'm venting and of course I'm not really a violent person I'm just so tired of all of this. And this leads me to my new spark.
BJ was reading the local paper yesterday evening and stumbled upon an article that he wanted to share with me. He passed it over and the title caught my eye immediately. The local hospital has just acquired a new OB/GYN that specializes in infertility. He completed a three-year fellowship in reproductive endocrinology and infertility at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. I checked to see if the practice that he joined takes my insurance and they do. I only have coverage for diagnostics and drugs, no treatments. However, I want to sit down and talk with him and let him look over my records to see if there is anything he can tell me that would help us on this journey. I called the office and made an appointment for 10/28 at 9:00am, first of the day. I asked if he runs on time and was told that sometimes he runs late because he really likes to talk with patients and get to know them and their situation. I'm glad I am first in that morning. I don't know if he can offer anything new, especially since we have no money for him, but maybe a fresh set of eyes will spark something.
My fucking period is here. The dumb bitch showed up after all. Of course I knew she would, but still...I fucking hate this infertility shit. I haven't cried about a period coming in a long time but I'm on the verge right now. I had some brown spotting this morning and forgot to bring a pantie liner so I'm wearing a fucking pad and each time I go to the bathroom, there's a little more on there. (The tampons that I have here at work are all Super, my Regulars are at home.) And this last time? Fucking red on the TP. Shit, shit, shit. I am so mad at my body. And then I'm so mad at all the fertiles. So many of them have no idea how fucking hard this is. They get to prance around with their big, beautiful bellies and then tote their beautiful babies around while the rest of us are standing on the sidelines like hobos begging for money. Except of course we are begging for babies.
The "why?" question never gets answered and it never will. I know I'm not alone and that millions of other women suffer IF, too. However, right now it's MY turn to bitch and moan and throw my pity party. Except I don't want to throw a pity party, I want to throw a pity RIOT. I want us all to march in the streets with torches and banners and mega phones. And we could chant things like:
-What do we want? - BABIES
-When do we want them? - NOW
I want to gather up the people that tell us to "just relax" and "oh, don't worry so much...it will happen when it's time" and I want to burn them at the stake while we all look on, laughing at them and telling THEM to just relax....the burning will stop hurting when it's TIME.
I know, I'm a little morbid. I get that way when I'm angry and when I feel slighted and when my period is starting because I'm once again NOT FUCKING PREGNANT and I have hormones that let me be bitchy because I can just blame it on my PERIOD. There, enough said on that. I'm sorry if I have disturbed anyone but I'm venting and of course I'm not really a violent person I'm just so tired of all of this. And this leads me to my new spark.
BJ was reading the local paper yesterday evening and stumbled upon an article that he wanted to share with me. He passed it over and the title caught my eye immediately. The local hospital has just acquired a new OB/GYN that specializes in infertility. He completed a three-year fellowship in reproductive endocrinology and infertility at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. I checked to see if the practice that he joined takes my insurance and they do. I only have coverage for diagnostics and drugs, no treatments. However, I want to sit down and talk with him and let him look over my records to see if there is anything he can tell me that would help us on this journey. I called the office and made an appointment for 10/28 at 9:00am, first of the day. I asked if he runs on time and was told that sometimes he runs late because he really likes to talk with patients and get to know them and their situation. I'm glad I am first in that morning. I don't know if he can offer anything new, especially since we have no money for him, but maybe a fresh set of eyes will spark something.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lying to Myself
You know the point in your cycle when you start lying to yourself? Yes, you do...don't act innocent on this one. It's the point where your period is a few days away and you see the slightest (and I do mean slight) tinge on the good old TP. If you happen to be "active" at this point and when you are...ahem...cleaning yourself up, you definitely notice some tinges of color on the TP. Well, this has been happening to me. I know...you're so surprised aren't you?
I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.
I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.
I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.
I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I'd like to thank the Academy...
Thank you so much to Peanut Noodle for my award! It's always nice to get an award and I always smile when one happens to come my way. Here are the rules for this award:
Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
1) My middle name is Jean. This is the same middle name as my Aunt. We both have the initials T.J (hence my blogging name) and she is known as Senior and I am known as Junior. I also share this middle name with my older brother. His is spelled Gene and my mother insists that she didn't realize we both had the same middle name until she yelled at him for doing something. She also says she was strong armed by my grandmother to give me that middle name. Not sure I believe her on that one but I'll go with it. Otherwise, I would have Lynn as my middle name.
2) I was quite the Tomboy growing up and sometimes I still revert back to those ways. I once saw my older brother getting beaten up across the street by our neighbor named Joey. I was about 8 or 9. I was wearing a dress (very unlike me) and had my hair in pig-tails (one of my mother's favorite 'do's) and I ran down the steps of the split foyer, out the front door, across the street and clotheslined Joey right off my brother. I don't remember much else about that other than my brother was a little embarrassed. I think I would still protect him in that way today.
3) In 12 years of school (Kindergarten was not required when I was little) I went to 13 different schools. My dad was military and we moved a lot. I haven't lived in a lot of states, but I've lived in several parts of some states. I think this is where I got my adaptability from. I can slink in and find a place in almost any situation. I learned early on to be an observer of my surroundings and try not to make a commotion.
4) My favorite color is purple. This might not seem like a spectacular revelation, but the odd thing is that I don't really own much purple. I have 2 pairs of purple pants and 2 purple shirts. I mainly wear blues and greens and browns. My bedspread has the slightest bit of purple in it, but other than that, you'd have a hard time guessing that purple is indeed my favorite color.
5) I think I should have been born Italian. I LOVE pasta. I have a (according to my husband) bottomless stomach when it comes to eating pasta. I could eat different kinds of pasta every day if I could. My favorite is spaghetti. He jokes with me about my appetite and says that I'm holding a 400 pound woman hostage in my body because he doesn't know where I put my food. Trust me, it all goes to my hips and butt.
6) I hate violence. I can't stand the thought of someone getting physically hurt. I have always had a hard time watching particularly violent movies. Not so much the shoot-em-up type or the slasher flicks from the old days. More along the lines of the types of violence that seem more "real". I don't like watching Cops when people are fighting...I don't like watching MMA events. It really turns my stomach when people are hurting. Even if it's the Bad Guy getting beaten or stabbed...to me they are humans and I sympathize with their pain. The only kind of violence I can seem to tolerate is in hockey. Which leads me to #7...
7) I LOVE HOCKEY! My ex-husband introduced me to the sport in 1995 and I have been hooked ever since. I love my home team but I can also watch other teams play. I find it exhilarating. I find the players so unattractive that they are attractive. I love watching goalies make spectacular saves. I love a good hit into the glass. When they fight, it's not to hurt each other...it's a team boosting, momentum jolting event. They are usually laughing after the fight anyway. Being at a game is thrilling...the music, the lights, the action, the crowd...all of it just gets my blood pumping! When a goal is scored and the siren sounds you have to jump out of seat to celebrate as though you are a member of the team. I can feel the anticipation of a goal about to be scored. I get knots in my stomach during overtime and shoot outs. I can only dream of the day when my team can hoist the Stanley Cup to a roaring crowd...
I could go on and on about hockey...as I'm sure you can see...so I'll stop now and nominate a few of the blogs that I would like to pass this award on to:
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