Just Once

Just once I'd like my body to do what it has in the past. Minus the not getting pregnant part. Just once I'd like to know that I did everything right on my end. Why is that too much to ask? I'm so frustrated right now that I could scream and cry and throw in the towel. I know I'm over reacting but I don't care. I know I should just pipe down and settle in for the 2ww. But I don't want to pipe down. I'm tired of being quiet and just sitting here like nothing is bothering me.

Way back in the day (and even now) when I used opk's to time BD'ing it was tricky. I would get a positive and then I would ovulate less than 48 hours later. Usually, I would ovulate in 24 hours or less when I got the positive result. I have come to count on that. I have come to rely on that. I have always been certain that my surge wasn't as strong as those women who get a positive and know they have up to 2 days before ovulation. It has always been that way for me. Until now, of course.

Not only is my body trying to get back to normal in length and day of ovulation, but it seems like it's trying to act like a "normal" woman's body, too. Where is all of this anger and frustration coming from? I'll tell you...

BJ and I did our thing Friday night like we had wanted. I knew it was still early but feared that I'd get the positive on Saturday and be out of luck. Imagine how happy I was that I tested negative twice on Saturday. I knew asking you ladies for help in that area would work. And like I had hoped, I got a blaring positive on the opk Sunday. Heaven's to Betsy this was going to be perfect! BJ and I had already been teasing and flirting with each other so we both had it on our minds. The Little Guy went with his mom after his basketball game and BJ and I went out to watch the rest of the race and just chill. I had a couple of drinks and we ate dinner. We went home and of course being all relaxed and what not, things happened. I was pretty happy since I just knew I'd ovulate Monday.

I started feeling sick around 11:00pm. I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and needed to use the bathroom. As soon as I was done with that, I was hurling up my dinner. Great. I was up a couple more times sitting on and then sticking my head in the toilet. A great visual don't you think? It was terrible. BJ said that his stomach was hurting, too so we deduced that our crab dip made us sick. I didn't get to sleep until a little after 2:00am. Then it was off to work. I would have stayed home but we had a big meeting to prepare for and my boss had a trip that I needed to finalize some details on. I didn't get sick anymore but I felt pretty queasy all day. Not to mention I was exhausted. Puking takes a lot out of a person. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't feeling any ovulation pains. I decided (and I don't know why) to POAS again. And it was another blaring positive.

Most women would be ecstatic to get a positive 2 days in a row. I'm obviously not most women. I was so mad that I cursed that 2nd line. There was no way either of us was going to be up for another romp after the night we had...it was bad enough that I was sick and didn't sleep but I kept waking BJ up every time I got out of and into bed. Plus, BJ asked me in the morning if we had at least gotten our timing right. I beamed out a big "yes" and told him I was pretty sure I'd be ovulating Monday. Now here it is Tuesday (CD13) and I still don't feel like I'm ovulating fully, I've had a few pinches in the ovary area but nothing definitive.

Again, I'm over reacting with all this anger and frustration as I know I should take this as a good sign. Maybe my fertility is not diminishing as much as I had feared. Maybe it just needs to work out some kinks? I don't know, but I had better feel some ovulation pains today. We have the Little Guy tonight so I don't know if I'd be able to swindle some action out of BJ or not. I just want my body to be predictable again...although as predictable as it used to be I never got a baby out of it.

Oh, and thanks for the advice and well wishes regarding the Clomid. I know I'm a pretty quick responder and that my follies grow fast (when not suppressed into oblivion) so I'm going to take it starting on day 3. I figure it's better to start a little early than to miss the boat all together. When I did my IUI's I responded well starting on day 3 so that's going to be my plan of attack next cycle.

Options and Upgrades

BJ and I had our first design meeting Tuesday afternoon for our new house. This is where we sit down with the designer and go over everything we want in the house, any changes or upgrades we want and make our selections on anything from flooring to our kitchen faucet. Very overwhelming to say the least. The only decisions I've ever made about a house are what color to paint. And by the way, builders don't paint "colors". They have about 8 shades of white to choose from. Colors are optional.

The whole time we are looking at the layout my eyes keep drifting over to bedroom #4. I can't help but think about how it will just be a spare room now or maybe an exercise room. I almost asked if we could knock down the wall between the master and this room and make a bigger closet. I kept quiet and kept making decisions.

We hate our cabinets. They are the blandest oak. However, changing them in the slightest is an upgrade. We opted to just add crown moulding at the top to give it a more finished look. We decided to dress them up with nice hardware at a later date. We also hate the vinyl flooring for the kitchen. If BJ can work a good discount through his workplace then we will have hardwood but if not we are stuck with ugly, fake looking stone tiles. Why can't they have a solid color of some sort? Why does everything have to look like fake stone tiles? Anything nicer was an upgrade.

"When do I get to upgrade my eggs?" That's the question I really wanted to ask. chirp chirp chirp....can you hear the crickets in the room? Anyway, we made all of our selections and thanks to BJ's colorblindness I get to have my cranberry colored front door! He said it looked nice but I know he can't fully appreciate it's beauty. It will be my little secret.

We did some BD'ing last night even though I got a negative on my OPK again. Today is CD13 and I should be ovulating. But things aren't really the way they should be lately because really, I SHOULD be pregnant. I took another OPK about an hour ago and it was negative too. However, I finally have some fertile CM! Yay for small victories. I will test again when I get home but I have a feeling we'll be able to skip tonight and have some fun tomorrow night when we are home alone. The Little Guy will be with his mother this weekend. I'm hoping to get a negative tonight because I want at least 1 day for the swimmers to stock up. We'll see what happens.