Today's title refers to my ovulation cycle and our new house. This time last month, I was ovulating...not so much this time around. In fact, I have taken 4 opk's and they have all been negative. So negative in fact, that a 2nd line is nowhere to be seen. I'm hoping that is because ovulation is still a few days away and not that I have crappy opk's under my bathroom sink, in my book bag and in my purse...I think those are the only places I have stored them. :-) We are trying to time our baby makin' encounters better but the way my cycles have been the past few months has made it tough to do so. I am at the point where I am going to test twice a day because I have noticed that if I am negative in the morning, I could be positive that evening and we don't want to miss anything. My temps are running about what they should. Maybe a tenth of a degree or so higher than normal, but they are not all over the place like last month. At least not yet.
We went by our house yesterday and the workers were there hanging drywall! Yay! Things looked so different with the walls closed in. And the walls where there was no drywall we could see the insulation. The Little Guy was bummed because he couldn't "run through the walls" anymore. He hadn't been there since the electric got put in and now he not only had wires and cables running everywhere but insulation and drywall. BJ talked to the project manager today and pleaded (in a non pain in the ass way) to see if there was any way to get us in the house a week earlier. He said he'd do his best. That's all we can ask, right? The siding guys are there today and should be able to get a good chunk of that done before the rain comes tomorrow. I will go by there after work to check things out. And that reminds me...I need to post some more pictures.
I talked with my clinic last week to make sure they got my request for my medical records. They did, thankfully. I was told that the company that comes in to make copies (WHAT? There isn't someone in your office that can make copies??) will be in today. My request for my records to be delivered to me by tomorrow via e-mail has been noted. That's about all I can do. Keep your fingers crossed that I get them. I actually started a notebook with a quick, non-technical run down of what I have done over the passed 8 or so years. I don't have any bloodwork results or anything like that, but I can at least tell him a quick story. I can't even tell you how many different emotions I'm having over this appointment. I'm excited, but of course I don't want to get too excited because we can't afford any "real" treatments. However, just the thought of talking to someone new about our situation has me all giddy. I never had a real sit down of the getting-to-know-you type with Dr. M so I'm really ready for this. However, I have a feeling when I go in there, I'll probably be stammering around trying to remember my own name. BJ is actually interested in this appointment, too. Of course not enough to come, but he has asked me about it a few times and that's saying something. I have a feeling he will actually listen with both ears when I give him the run down of what the doc and I talked about.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Infertile's Bag of Tricks
In case you don't remember, I ride a bus to work. I drive to a lot, get on a bus and sit there for about an hour and 30 minutes. You might wonder how I spend this time. I listen to the radio with my headphones most mornings. If I have a book to read, I'll do that as well. I also have a Nintendo DS that BJ bought me last Christmas to play. I also need to carry my bottle of water and my lunch and my purse. You might be wondering where I put all of this stuff. Wonder no more....I carry a back pack. As I realized today, this back pack is my catch-all for anything and everything going on with me at any given time.
If you were to look through my bag you would see all of the above items and not be taken aback by any of them. I also noticed that I have a Pottery Barn catalog in my bag. I've never shopped there before and it came to the rental after I changed our address online. I love this little book and wish I could afford to furnish my whole house with these items. I have my Weight Watchers handbook in my bag. A must for anyone half assing being on a diet. There are some misc. items in there like a book light, some recipes I printed, some bills that need paying...you know, regular stuff. Then comes the front pouch. I opened it last night and had to laugh at what I found.
* a few opk's - for times like today when I'm going to start testing to see when my fertile window is.
* a few tampons - for times when I know AF is coming and I don't want to be taken by surprise and I certainly don't want them in my purse for easy viewing by me or anyone else.
* a few doses of Endometrin along with a couple of applicators.
Is that NOT the picture perfect infertile's bag? The only thing I'm missing is a HPT. I can just imagine if someone were digging through there and stumbled upon that stuff. First the look of confusion about the Endometrin and the applicators. Is this some sort of new tampon? What kind of pills are these? Not tampons silly...those are for sticking up my lady bits and dispensing those pills you are holding. Can you imagine that? I can and I hope it never happens.
I had some slight O-like pains in my left ovary yesterday evening/night. My temp was 98.0 this morning. I'm only on CD7 so I'm sure it's not ovulation, but I'm a little worried. I am starting to test today (as soon as I'm done with this post) and hopefully will get a positive in 3 or 4 days. I'm starting this early because last cycle I O'd very early and missed it so I'm trying to get a head start. My guess is that I have cyst there again. Lovely. BJ said that the new doctor will most likely want to take a look around up there and I said "good...I miss seeing what's going on up there." He said "what? you miss them being up there!" Ha ha! I had to correct him while laughing hysterically. He said he'll be glad if I get pg so that men will stop peering at me all the time. He's so funny.
One more thing....BJ and I decided that we are going to at least put up our table top Christmas tree at the rental because I CAN'T be without my twinkle (thanks NoodleGirl!). And we will make sure that all the Christmas stuff is put in the dining room at the new house on moving day. You may wonder why in the dining room....that is where the tree will be this year since we don't have a table for that room yet and it will be completely empty of anything else, so putting up the tree and some lights in the window will be easy with no other boxes in there.
If you were to look through my bag you would see all of the above items and not be taken aback by any of them. I also noticed that I have a Pottery Barn catalog in my bag. I've never shopped there before and it came to the rental after I changed our address online. I love this little book and wish I could afford to furnish my whole house with these items. I have my Weight Watchers handbook in my bag. A must for anyone half assing being on a diet. There are some misc. items in there like a book light, some recipes I printed, some bills that need paying...you know, regular stuff. Then comes the front pouch. I opened it last night and had to laugh at what I found.
* a few opk's - for times like today when I'm going to start testing to see when my fertile window is.
* a few tampons - for times when I know AF is coming and I don't want to be taken by surprise and I certainly don't want them in my purse for easy viewing by me or anyone else.
* a few doses of Endometrin along with a couple of applicators.
Is that NOT the picture perfect infertile's bag? The only thing I'm missing is a HPT. I can just imagine if someone were digging through there and stumbled upon that stuff. First the look of confusion about the Endometrin and the applicators. Is this some sort of new tampon? What kind of pills are these? Not tampons silly...those are for sticking up my lady bits and dispensing those pills you are holding. Can you imagine that? I can and I hope it never happens.
I had some slight O-like pains in my left ovary yesterday evening/night. My temp was 98.0 this morning. I'm only on CD7 so I'm sure it's not ovulation, but I'm a little worried. I am starting to test today (as soon as I'm done with this post) and hopefully will get a positive in 3 or 4 days. I'm starting this early because last cycle I O'd very early and missed it so I'm trying to get a head start. My guess is that I have cyst there again. Lovely. BJ said that the new doctor will most likely want to take a look around up there and I said "good...I miss seeing what's going on up there." He said "what? you miss them being up there!" Ha ha! I had to correct him while laughing hysterically. He said he'll be glad if I get pg so that men will stop peering at me all the time. He's so funny.
One more thing....BJ and I decided that we are going to at least put up our table top Christmas tree at the rental because I CAN'T be without my twinkle (thanks NoodleGirl!). And we will make sure that all the Christmas stuff is put in the dining room at the new house on moving day. You may wonder why in the dining room....that is where the tree will be this year since we don't have a table for that room yet and it will be completely empty of anything else, so putting up the tree and some lights in the window will be easy with no other boxes in there.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
My Hubby
I want to take this time to recognize the man I am married to. I have a couple of stories to share with you to let you see why I love him so much. I'm not going to tell all the details of our beginnings until another day, but I do want to pass along these few stories.
BJ is one of those rough and tumble guys. He has the best blue eyes and eyelashes I've ever seen. He's big...6'1", 200lbs. He has such broad shoulders and carries himself in a way that when he walks into a room (bar, restaurant, store) people take notice of him. Sometimes I think they are scared of him. :-) He has a haircut like a Marine and tattoos on both arms and one on his leg so I think people are intimidated by him. He makes me feel so safe when I am with him and when he grabs me with one arm and squeezes, I feel like I've got bullet proof armor on. Given that description of him, it might be hard to really see what a kind and thoughtful guy he really is. Especially if you ride in a vehicle with him as he can turn into quite a brute on the road. :-)
We had steaks for dinner Wednesday night...NY Strip, his favorite. The Little Guy was with us and so he bought a 4-pack of semi-small steaks. Once they were done, he brought them in and as he was looking at them each on the plate, he said "this looks like a really good one, here." He gave me the best looking steak. Now it might not seem like much to some of you, but to me, that is a real statement. My ex would not have done that. First of all, I would have been the one cooking them and he would just assume I would give him the better steak.
We use a certain kind of toilet paper at home. Once I found this type, I won't bring anything else into the house. There is another company that makes a similar kind but it's just not the same. I had to buy that other kind the last time we needed TP because it was all they had and we were out (because I'm a major procrastinator). We are using separate bathrooms in the rental because it's just easier for me and all my "girl" stuff to be away from the boys and all their stuff. Plus, I get too irked at toothpaste in the sink and spittle on the faucet...I like things neat and clean and it causes less friction if I don't see it every morning. Anyway...the other night I needed to refill my TP holder upstairs and he went into the closet and said, "here you go. I saved you the last roll of the good stuff." How damn sweet is that? Most people would say "it's just TP, get over it". Not my man...he knows how important my aloe vera TP is to my lady bits. :-).
When we first started dating, I would drive my car and pick him up. I drove everywhere in my previous relationship so it was no big deal to me. Plus, if we went out he'd most likely drink and I was (and still am) the DD so it worked well. I needed gas in my car one time and I pulled up to the pump and started digging for my debit card. Before I could pull it out of my purse he got out and walked around to the pump. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was going to pump my gas. I was floored. At first I didn't know whether to go all feminist on him and insist that I do it myself or just let him try to impress me. I decided on the latter. As it turns out, he was not just trying to impress me...he really feels that the man should pump the gas, even if the woman is driving. WOW! He was shocked and appalled (to say the least) that my ex never did that. If I was driving, I had to pump.
The first time he helped me carry the groceries in is another time I was surprised and not sure how to act. It's hard for me to ask anyone for help, even in those kinds of situations. I'm pretty independent and I'm used to doing things on my own. Even after a year of living together I was still trying to get used to him doing things for me. I don't take it for granted, either. Every time he does something that I believe is one of those things that someone chooses to do to help the other person in their everyday life, I thank him for it. And I let him know how nice he is to me and how much I appreciate him.
I'm telling you all of this today because today marks 4 years since we were sitting in our little hang-out talking and decided that we wanted to try dating each other. I brought it up because I couldn't stand it anymore...I knew there was something going on between us and even though I was still emotionally raw from my failed marriage, I knew that this guy was for me.
BJ is one of those rough and tumble guys. He has the best blue eyes and eyelashes I've ever seen. He's big...6'1", 200lbs. He has such broad shoulders and carries himself in a way that when he walks into a room (bar, restaurant, store) people take notice of him. Sometimes I think they are scared of him. :-) He has a haircut like a Marine and tattoos on both arms and one on his leg so I think people are intimidated by him. He makes me feel so safe when I am with him and when he grabs me with one arm and squeezes, I feel like I've got bullet proof armor on. Given that description of him, it might be hard to really see what a kind and thoughtful guy he really is. Especially if you ride in a vehicle with him as he can turn into quite a brute on the road. :-)
We had steaks for dinner Wednesday night...NY Strip, his favorite. The Little Guy was with us and so he bought a 4-pack of semi-small steaks. Once they were done, he brought them in and as he was looking at them each on the plate, he said "this looks like a really good one, here." He gave me the best looking steak. Now it might not seem like much to some of you, but to me, that is a real statement. My ex would not have done that. First of all, I would have been the one cooking them and he would just assume I would give him the better steak.
We use a certain kind of toilet paper at home. Once I found this type, I won't bring anything else into the house. There is another company that makes a similar kind but it's just not the same. I had to buy that other kind the last time we needed TP because it was all they had and we were out (because I'm a major procrastinator). We are using separate bathrooms in the rental because it's just easier for me and all my "girl" stuff to be away from the boys and all their stuff. Plus, I get too irked at toothpaste in the sink and spittle on the faucet...I like things neat and clean and it causes less friction if I don't see it every morning. Anyway...the other night I needed to refill my TP holder upstairs and he went into the closet and said, "here you go. I saved you the last roll of the good stuff." How damn sweet is that? Most people would say "it's just TP, get over it". Not my man...he knows how important my aloe vera TP is to my lady bits. :-).
When we first started dating, I would drive my car and pick him up. I drove everywhere in my previous relationship so it was no big deal to me. Plus, if we went out he'd most likely drink and I was (and still am) the DD so it worked well. I needed gas in my car one time and I pulled up to the pump and started digging for my debit card. Before I could pull it out of my purse he got out and walked around to the pump. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was going to pump my gas. I was floored. At first I didn't know whether to go all feminist on him and insist that I do it myself or just let him try to impress me. I decided on the latter. As it turns out, he was not just trying to impress me...he really feels that the man should pump the gas, even if the woman is driving. WOW! He was shocked and appalled (to say the least) that my ex never did that. If I was driving, I had to pump.
The first time he helped me carry the groceries in is another time I was surprised and not sure how to act. It's hard for me to ask anyone for help, even in those kinds of situations. I'm pretty independent and I'm used to doing things on my own. Even after a year of living together I was still trying to get used to him doing things for me. I don't take it for granted, either. Every time he does something that I believe is one of those things that someone chooses to do to help the other person in their everyday life, I thank him for it. And I let him know how nice he is to me and how much I appreciate him.
I'm telling you all of this today because today marks 4 years since we were sitting in our little hang-out talking and decided that we wanted to try dating each other. I brought it up because I couldn't stand it anymore...I knew there was something going on between us and even though I was still emotionally raw from my failed marriage, I knew that this guy was for me.
Spinning Head
There is so much going on at times in my life that it seems some sort of sh!t hits the fan every day. Here's a quick rundown of the happenings in my life over the last week or so...non-TTC related:
1 - the Little Guy's mother fell off a horse Tuesday night. He came to stay with us while she went to the ER. No problem...other than he was still with her and it was 9:00pm which is his bed time. He finally got to our house at 9:50 and then didn't end up in bed until about 10:20. He has to get up at 6:00 and he's only 8 with a heart condition that makes him need more sleep. Also found out that they didn't do all his homework because they were rushing to get to the farm. Also found out that she packed him a lunch of turkey bacon and cheese-its. WTH kind of lunch is that for an 8 year old? There's a myriad of "what was she thinking" episodes that we go through every once in a while with her. She's a good mother and loves her son, but I could fill a blog with the stories I have just about her. She is ok from the horse fall, thank goodness.
2 - we ran into our new neighbors at the new house last weekend. Pleasant people. The wife talks a lot and I can tell there is some busy bodied-ness going on there. All in all, I hope they are good neighbors. The husband is a cop and wanted to exchange cell numbers with BJ. BJ is now getting text messages from him...."they poured our basement walls". And this morning...."they put insulation in your house yesterday, I saw it from the outside". Hmmmm....have we created a monster? I am a social person - outside of my home. I've never been close with any neighbors...this situation scares me. I like to wave at neighbors and talk about the weather we are having. I don't particularly like the idea of them in my house (albeit it IS still under construction) when I'm not there. I'm sure I'm over reacting but I'm worried that the can of proverbial worms has been opened. The good thing is that I find them very nice and friendly. I will hang on to that right now.
3 - My sister had her appointment with her neurosurgeon. He was an ass. He basically dismissed all of her pain and complaints. For any new readers, this is why my sister had to see a neurosurgeon. He told her to have another type of MRI in November and come back to see him. She has headaches that radiate through her neck and her spine. How is that irrelevant? Especially since she is getting worse, see here. He said that her situation wasn't severe enough to think she needs any surgery right now. Ok, that's good, but why is she still in so much pain? I just don't know how to help her. Very frustrating.
4 - My thyroid doctor's office is full of rude ladies. I went to her in April just before beginning my first attempt at IVF. She told me that if I got pg to come back right away and if not then come back in 5 to 6 months because my TSH has leveled off and I'm doing good. IVF came and went and we all know how that turned out. Well, I called her at the beginning of September to make my appointment. Nothing was available until 10/27. My meds were out of refills so I had to call and talk to a recording to get a new script mailed to me. I did this on Friday. I called yesterday because I hadn't gotten it yet and now I'm OUT of meds. The first girl told me that she would see what she could do about taping it to the door after hours. Well, BJ offered to go and get it instead. Yay for a good man. When I called back to let them know that he'd be picking it up, I was asked to hang on. The girl came back and said that Dr. L is not going to refill this before seeing you because you were supposed to check in with her from April. I was rushed off the phone and stunned. BJ didn't get my message not to go by there and so he did anyway. She was rude to him before offering a sample box of my Synthroid. He would have let her have it if she was any worse with him. I will be letting the doc know my feelings on her scheduling practices anyway. It's one of those offices where your appointment is at 3:00 and they call you back at 4:00, 4:15...whatever suits their fancy.
5 - the neighbors mentioned above have a closing date of 1/4/2010. They just poured their basement walls yesterday...about 6 weeks after ours was poured. So you would figure that we would be moving in about 6 weeks before them. Not so much. BJ talked to the builder this morning and he's pretty sure we have a closing date of 12/18/2009. All of 1 week before Christmas. Fun for us. That means no decorating the rental because we will be packing and then rushing like crazy to get the tree up and all our things mostly unpacked by the 24th. That's a lot of work in a small amount of time. Oh well, it will make a good story for our first Christmas in the new house.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. If you made it through all of that, I commend you. I might post again later with something a little more light hearted. Ta ta for now!
1 - the Little Guy's mother fell off a horse Tuesday night. He came to stay with us while she went to the ER. No problem...other than he was still with her and it was 9:00pm which is his bed time. He finally got to our house at 9:50 and then didn't end up in bed until about 10:20. He has to get up at 6:00 and he's only 8 with a heart condition that makes him need more sleep. Also found out that they didn't do all his homework because they were rushing to get to the farm. Also found out that she packed him a lunch of turkey bacon and cheese-its. WTH kind of lunch is that for an 8 year old? There's a myriad of "what was she thinking" episodes that we go through every once in a while with her. She's a good mother and loves her son, but I could fill a blog with the stories I have just about her. She is ok from the horse fall, thank goodness.
2 - we ran into our new neighbors at the new house last weekend. Pleasant people. The wife talks a lot and I can tell there is some busy bodied-ness going on there. All in all, I hope they are good neighbors. The husband is a cop and wanted to exchange cell numbers with BJ. BJ is now getting text messages from him...."they poured our basement walls". And this morning...."they put insulation in your house yesterday, I saw it from the outside". Hmmmm....have we created a monster? I am a social person - outside of my home. I've never been close with any neighbors...this situation scares me. I like to wave at neighbors and talk about the weather we are having. I don't particularly like the idea of them in my house (albeit it IS still under construction) when I'm not there. I'm sure I'm over reacting but I'm worried that the can of proverbial worms has been opened. The good thing is that I find them very nice and friendly. I will hang on to that right now.
3 - My sister had her appointment with her neurosurgeon. He was an ass. He basically dismissed all of her pain and complaints. For any new readers, this is why my sister had to see a neurosurgeon. He told her to have another type of MRI in November and come back to see him. She has headaches that radiate through her neck and her spine. How is that irrelevant? Especially since she is getting worse, see here. He said that her situation wasn't severe enough to think she needs any surgery right now. Ok, that's good, but why is she still in so much pain? I just don't know how to help her. Very frustrating.
4 - My thyroid doctor's office is full of rude ladies. I went to her in April just before beginning my first attempt at IVF. She told me that if I got pg to come back right away and if not then come back in 5 to 6 months because my TSH has leveled off and I'm doing good. IVF came and went and we all know how that turned out. Well, I called her at the beginning of September to make my appointment. Nothing was available until 10/27. My meds were out of refills so I had to call and talk to a recording to get a new script mailed to me. I did this on Friday. I called yesterday because I hadn't gotten it yet and now I'm OUT of meds. The first girl told me that she would see what she could do about taping it to the door after hours. Well, BJ offered to go and get it instead. Yay for a good man. When I called back to let them know that he'd be picking it up, I was asked to hang on. The girl came back and said that Dr. L is not going to refill this before seeing you because you were supposed to check in with her from April. I was rushed off the phone and stunned. BJ didn't get my message not to go by there and so he did anyway. She was rude to him before offering a sample box of my Synthroid. He would have let her have it if she was any worse with him. I will be letting the doc know my feelings on her scheduling practices anyway. It's one of those offices where your appointment is at 3:00 and they call you back at 4:00, 4:15...whatever suits their fancy.
5 - the neighbors mentioned above have a closing date of 1/4/2010. They just poured their basement walls yesterday...about 6 weeks after ours was poured. So you would figure that we would be moving in about 6 weeks before them. Not so much. BJ talked to the builder this morning and he's pretty sure we have a closing date of 12/18/2009. All of 1 week before Christmas. Fun for us. That means no decorating the rental because we will be packing and then rushing like crazy to get the tree up and all our things mostly unpacked by the 24th. That's a lot of work in a small amount of time. Oh well, it will make a good story for our first Christmas in the new house.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. If you made it through all of that, I commend you. I might post again later with something a little more light hearted. Ta ta for now!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Welcome ICLW'ers!
I haven't really done a post to celebrate ICLW yet, so this is my first. Welcome to my blog.
I have to start out by saying that I have the BEST blog readers EVER! They never fail to cheer me up and let me know that I'm not alone and most importantly...that I'm not crazy. They also give me good advice and let me see another side of things sometimes. So a big THANK YOU to my blogging buddies!
Now for anyone new.....I am 33 (sheesh, where does the time go?) and STILL trying to have my first child. I've never been knocked up and at times I think I never will be. I started this journey with my first husband in August of 2000. We only ever tried naturally and were tested and told that we were both fine. I had the best kind of textbook cycle and was so proud of it that I thought for sure we'd have a baby in no time. Not so much. I am now with a new husband that I love dearly and can't believe that I was lucky enough to stumble across. I am a step-mother to his wonderful 8-year old boy, the Little Guy. We have been trying to get knocked up since May of 2006. We have been through 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are back to trying things a little more naturally. We sometimes have issues with timing...neither of us likes the pressure and the Little Guy can make it a challenge to do things on a schedule as well. I've had a pretty wacky cycle since the IVF but I think I'm on the road back to some sort of regularity. I'm charting and using OPK's and hoping for the best. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN that specializes in the diagnosis and management of infertility on 10/28. I'm hoping that maybe a fresh set of eyes can determine a new path. We have no more money for treatments but my insurance will cover anything diagnostic as well as most of any meds. Not sure about ultrasounds due to monitoring unless they are coded as diagnostic and that is kind of lying so I don't know if there will be any monitoring...hopefully some clomid at the very least....just to make sure things happen when they are supposed to.
But that is where I am right now (in the smallest of nutshells). I have my down days and my up days. Yesterday was a down day but I think that today will be an up day. Thanks for reading my blog.
I have to start out by saying that I have the BEST blog readers EVER! They never fail to cheer me up and let me know that I'm not alone and most importantly...that I'm not crazy. They also give me good advice and let me see another side of things sometimes. So a big THANK YOU to my blogging buddies!
Now for anyone new.....I am 33 (sheesh, where does the time go?) and STILL trying to have my first child. I've never been knocked up and at times I think I never will be. I started this journey with my first husband in August of 2000. We only ever tried naturally and were tested and told that we were both fine. I had the best kind of textbook cycle and was so proud of it that I thought for sure we'd have a baby in no time. Not so much. I am now with a new husband that I love dearly and can't believe that I was lucky enough to stumble across. I am a step-mother to his wonderful 8-year old boy, the Little Guy. We have been trying to get knocked up since May of 2006. We have been through 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are back to trying things a little more naturally. We sometimes have issues with timing...neither of us likes the pressure and the Little Guy can make it a challenge to do things on a schedule as well. I've had a pretty wacky cycle since the IVF but I think I'm on the road back to some sort of regularity. I'm charting and using OPK's and hoping for the best. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN that specializes in the diagnosis and management of infertility on 10/28. I'm hoping that maybe a fresh set of eyes can determine a new path. We have no more money for treatments but my insurance will cover anything diagnostic as well as most of any meds. Not sure about ultrasounds due to monitoring unless they are coded as diagnostic and that is kind of lying so I don't know if there will be any monitoring...hopefully some clomid at the very least....just to make sure things happen when they are supposed to.
But that is where I am right now (in the smallest of nutshells). I have my down days and my up days. Yesterday was a down day but I think that today will be an up day. Thanks for reading my blog.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I Hate Days Like This
I have every reason in the world to be happy. I have loving parents, a husband I love dearly, a great step-son, a job that provides very well, a new house being built and my health....and yet today, I'm very sad and I just want to cry.
I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.
All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.
I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.
I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.
I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.
I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.
All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.
I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.
I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.
I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.
Monday, October 19, 2009
CD3 - Here Comes the Sun...
I am so happy to see the sun today...and the blue sky. I haven't seen the sun or the blue sky since last Wednesday. It has been cold, wet and dreary for days. I hate this kind of weather. I am a sunshine and 80 degree girl. I should be living in Southern California. That, after all, is where I got spoiled on the weather.
I went to a scrapbooking crop yesterday. I love scrapping. I haven't done any since early June. The Croptoberfest event last year was my first real experience with scrapping. So basically I hit my 1 year anniversary with it. I have completed my wedding album and a "family" album so far. When I started this hobby last year, I fully believed that I would have a baby album to start on very soon as BJ and I had just had our initial consultation with the Clinic. Well, here I am a year later and no closer to that album. I dream about doing one of those every time I see the pretty pink and blue paper and embellishments. I have actually started avoiding those items in the craft store. It's starting to sting. And when I go to crops, most of the women there are working on albums that include their kids and/or babies galore. I have the Little Guy to talk about and show pictures of but I always have to confess that he is my step-son. Then the question always comes..."so, do you have any kids of your own?". And I have to say, "no, not yet...hopefully soon." It never gets easier to deal with those questions no matter how long you have been at this. Maybe one day I will get to use that beautiful paper and those cute little stickers...
I called to request my medical records for my appointment with the new doctor and they told me it could take up to 3 WEEKS to get them. Great. Just. My. Luck. That, and they want to charge me .73 per page. As if they don't already have enough of my money. So it looks like I will be seeing the doctor with no records. BJ said not to change my appointment and to still go in and talk to him so that's what I'm going to do. I will make some notes of what I remember and also give him the low down on my cycles these past few months. Hopefully that will be enough to maybe get him to give me some Clomid. BJ also made the comment that we need to be better about timing. I agreed and then followed up with "I try not to nag you about that...". He didn't really respond but he knows he has issues about timing. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?
AF is basically gone. There has been nothing today and I mean nothing to speak of. I love the shortness but as usual, I dread there is a bad reason for it. I basically started to really spot Friday...in the late morning early afternoon. By 9:00pm it was basically a flow...too late in the day to be considered CD1 (at least by my clinic's standards). I had a medium (for me) flow Saturday and a light flow yesterday and she's practically gone today. It kind of makes waiting for O harder because once I'm done, I like to know that O is just a few days away, not a week or more. Gotta love the human body.
Thank you all for your replies from Friday. It's good to know that I can come here and be a raving lunatic once in a while and that I'm not the one getting burned at the stake for it. :-)
I went to a scrapbooking crop yesterday. I love scrapping. I haven't done any since early June. The Croptoberfest event last year was my first real experience with scrapping. So basically I hit my 1 year anniversary with it. I have completed my wedding album and a "family" album so far. When I started this hobby last year, I fully believed that I would have a baby album to start on very soon as BJ and I had just had our initial consultation with the Clinic. Well, here I am a year later and no closer to that album. I dream about doing one of those every time I see the pretty pink and blue paper and embellishments. I have actually started avoiding those items in the craft store. It's starting to sting. And when I go to crops, most of the women there are working on albums that include their kids and/or babies galore. I have the Little Guy to talk about and show pictures of but I always have to confess that he is my step-son. Then the question always comes..."so, do you have any kids of your own?". And I have to say, "no, not yet...hopefully soon." It never gets easier to deal with those questions no matter how long you have been at this. Maybe one day I will get to use that beautiful paper and those cute little stickers...
I called to request my medical records for my appointment with the new doctor and they told me it could take up to 3 WEEKS to get them. Great. Just. My. Luck. That, and they want to charge me .73 per page. As if they don't already have enough of my money. So it looks like I will be seeing the doctor with no records. BJ said not to change my appointment and to still go in and talk to him so that's what I'm going to do. I will make some notes of what I remember and also give him the low down on my cycles these past few months. Hopefully that will be enough to maybe get him to give me some Clomid. BJ also made the comment that we need to be better about timing. I agreed and then followed up with "I try not to nag you about that...". He didn't really respond but he knows he has issues about timing. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?
AF is basically gone. There has been nothing today and I mean nothing to speak of. I love the shortness but as usual, I dread there is a bad reason for it. I basically started to really spot Friday...in the late morning early afternoon. By 9:00pm it was basically a flow...too late in the day to be considered CD1 (at least by my clinic's standards). I had a medium (for me) flow Saturday and a light flow yesterday and she's practically gone today. It kind of makes waiting for O harder because once I'm done, I like to know that O is just a few days away, not a week or more. Gotta love the human body.
Thank you all for your replies from Friday. It's good to know that I can come here and be a raving lunatic once in a while and that I'm not the one getting burned at the stake for it. :-)
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