I'm going to be blunt, and a little vulgar in this post. I'm not usually a cusser unless I'm driving or watching sports. But right now I'm pissed off. If foul language offends you, please read no further.
My fucking period is here. The dumb bitch showed up after all. Of course I knew she would, but still...I fucking hate this infertility shit. I haven't cried about a period coming in a long time but I'm on the verge right now. I had some brown spotting this morning and forgot to bring a pantie liner so I'm wearing a fucking pad and each time I go to the bathroom, there's a little more on there. (The tampons that I have here at work are all Super, my Regulars are at home.) And this last time? Fucking red on the TP. Shit, shit, shit. I am so mad at my body. And then I'm so mad at all the fertiles. So many of them have no idea how fucking hard this is. They get to prance around with their big, beautiful bellies and then tote their beautiful babies around while the rest of us are standing on the sidelines like hobos begging for money. Except of course we are begging for babies.
The "why?" question never gets answered and it never will. I know I'm not alone and that millions of other women suffer IF, too. However, right now it's MY turn to bitch and moan and throw my pity party. Except I don't want to throw a pity party, I want to throw a pity RIOT. I want us all to march in the streets with torches and banners and mega phones. And we could chant things like:
-What do we want? - BABIES
-When do we want them? - NOW
I want to gather up the people that tell us to "just relax" and "oh, don't worry so much...it will happen when it's time" and I want to burn them at the stake while we all look on, laughing at them and telling THEM to just relax....the burning will stop hurting when it's TIME.
I know, I'm a little morbid. I get that way when I'm angry and when I feel slighted and when my period is starting because I'm once again NOT FUCKING PREGNANT and I have hormones that let me be bitchy because I can just blame it on my PERIOD. There, enough said on that. I'm sorry if I have disturbed anyone but I'm venting and of course I'm not really a violent person I'm just so tired of all of this. And this leads me to my new spark.
BJ was reading the local paper yesterday evening and stumbled upon an article that he wanted to share with me. He passed it over and the title caught my eye immediately. The local hospital has just acquired a new OB/GYN that specializes in infertility. He completed a three-year fellowship in reproductive endocrinology and infertility at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. I checked to see if the practice that he joined takes my insurance and they do. I only have coverage for diagnostics and drugs, no treatments. However, I want to sit down and talk with him and let him look over my records to see if there is anything he can tell me that would help us on this journey. I called the office and made an appointment for 10/28 at 9:00am, first of the day. I asked if he runs on time and was told that sometimes he runs late because he really likes to talk with patients and get to know them and their situation. I'm glad I am first in that morning. I don't know if he can offer anything new, especially since we have no money for him, but maybe a fresh set of eyes will spark something.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lying to Myself
You know the point in your cycle when you start lying to yourself? Yes, you do...don't act innocent on this one. It's the point where your period is a few days away and you see the slightest (and I do mean slight) tinge on the good old TP. If you happen to be "active" at this point and when you are...ahem...cleaning yourself up, you definitely notice some tinges of color on the TP. Well, this has been happening to me. I know...you're so surprised aren't you?
I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.
I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.
I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see this...you just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.
I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on time...as expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I'd like to thank the Academy...
Thank you so much to Peanut Noodle for my award! It's always nice to get an award and I always smile when one happens to come my way. Here are the rules for this award:
Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
1) My middle name is Jean. This is the same middle name as my Aunt. We both have the initials T.J (hence my blogging name) and she is known as Senior and I am known as Junior. I also share this middle name with my older brother. His is spelled Gene and my mother insists that she didn't realize we both had the same middle name until she yelled at him for doing something. She also says she was strong armed by my grandmother to give me that middle name. Not sure I believe her on that one but I'll go with it. Otherwise, I would have Lynn as my middle name.
2) I was quite the Tomboy growing up and sometimes I still revert back to those ways. I once saw my older brother getting beaten up across the street by our neighbor named Joey. I was about 8 or 9. I was wearing a dress (very unlike me) and had my hair in pig-tails (one of my mother's favorite 'do's) and I ran down the steps of the split foyer, out the front door, across the street and clotheslined Joey right off my brother. I don't remember much else about that other than my brother was a little embarrassed. I think I would still protect him in that way today.
3) In 12 years of school (Kindergarten was not required when I was little) I went to 13 different schools. My dad was military and we moved a lot. I haven't lived in a lot of states, but I've lived in several parts of some states. I think this is where I got my adaptability from. I can slink in and find a place in almost any situation. I learned early on to be an observer of my surroundings and try not to make a commotion.
4) My favorite color is purple. This might not seem like a spectacular revelation, but the odd thing is that I don't really own much purple. I have 2 pairs of purple pants and 2 purple shirts. I mainly wear blues and greens and browns. My bedspread has the slightest bit of purple in it, but other than that, you'd have a hard time guessing that purple is indeed my favorite color.
5) I think I should have been born Italian. I LOVE pasta. I have a (according to my husband) bottomless stomach when it comes to eating pasta. I could eat different kinds of pasta every day if I could. My favorite is spaghetti. He jokes with me about my appetite and says that I'm holding a 400 pound woman hostage in my body because he doesn't know where I put my food. Trust me, it all goes to my hips and butt.
6) I hate violence. I can't stand the thought of someone getting physically hurt. I have always had a hard time watching particularly violent movies. Not so much the shoot-em-up type or the slasher flicks from the old days. More along the lines of the types of violence that seem more "real". I don't like watching Cops when people are fighting...I don't like watching MMA events. It really turns my stomach when people are hurting. Even if it's the Bad Guy getting beaten or stabbed...to me they are humans and I sympathize with their pain. The only kind of violence I can seem to tolerate is in hockey. Which leads me to #7...
7) I LOVE HOCKEY! My ex-husband introduced me to the sport in 1995 and I have been hooked ever since. I love my home team but I can also watch other teams play. I find it exhilarating. I find the players so unattractive that they are attractive. I love watching goalies make spectacular saves. I love a good hit into the glass. When they fight, it's not to hurt each other...it's a team boosting, momentum jolting event. They are usually laughing after the fight anyway. Being at a game is thrilling...the music, the lights, the action, the crowd...all of it just gets my blood pumping! When a goal is scored and the siren sounds you have to jump out of seat to celebrate as though you are a member of the team. I can feel the anticipation of a goal about to be scored. I get knots in my stomach during overtime and shoot outs. I can only dream of the day when my team can hoist the Stanley Cup to a roaring crowd...
I could go on and on about hockey...as I'm sure you can see...so I'll stop now and nominate a few of the blogs that I would like to pass this award on to:
Friday, October 9, 2009
9DPO - 3-day weekend!
I love 3-day weekends! I really hate Mondays so having one off is tremendous for me. I just wish this afternoon would move a little quicker. I'm not going to complain too much since we do have a 3-day weekend ahead of us. The schools around here and most other business (including BJ's) are open Monday so it's like having a regular weekday off. The roads will be empty of people that normally get a 3-day weekend leaving me plenty of room to run a bunch of "me" errands! Yay! Did I mention how much I love 3-day weekends?
Our contractor will be able to tell us in about a week and a half what our "delivery" date will be. I can't believe it! And he's very confident that it will be before Christmas. Holy moly...can you imagine trying to move just before Christmas? In order to help me get myself in the holiday mode, I like to decorate the house and put up the tree no later than the first weekend in December...usually Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, I'm one of those. I LIVE for holiday decorating. So this means I am going to be on pins and needles waiting to hear that date. We don't want to spend Christmas in the rental, however, I also don't want to move right before Christmas, either. That means no decorating the rental (because I'm not doing it to just take it right back down and put it up somewhere else), trying to pack and move and hide presents and figure out where furniture and tables are going to go and getting everything put away as quickly as possible so that I can make our new house feel like a home in time for Christmas. Whew! That is going to be a task. I'm not going to complain about getting in the house sooner than we planned, but it's just sort of bad timing. I guess I am complaining a bit...
As all of the Infertile community knows...IF puts your life on hold. Our entire Summer was run by our IVF. That meant no real vacation. Shoot, our Spring was run by our IUI's so we didn't even really do anything during that time, either. We have decided that we think we are going to take the Little Guy to Disney World/Universal Studios in February. We will not be doing any treatments, however...as we all know I will probably be in the 2ww and scared to death to ride anything. I know it's far away on the calendar, but I know how things work out. I'm trying not to think about it and I haven't worked it out on the calendar yet so I might be getting worked up for nothing. I will either be in the 2ww or I will miraculously get knocked up before we go. I am an avid roller coaster rider. BJ is not. The Little Guy is just now getting brave about them and tall enough. We took a trip 2 years ago to Busch Gardens. It killed me because I couldn't ride NOT 1 ROLLER COASTER. I might go into convulsions if I can't ride any at Disney World or Universal. I have never been there and I want to do as much as possible while I am there. Wish me luck...you have not heard the last of this.
I contacted my nurse and she said that there is a trial coming up in January or February (see what I mean about timing?) and that she would keep me in mind for it. I know that these things have strict rules and criteria to meet so we will see if it's even a possibility for us. She wishes us the best and to contact her any time. I thought that was very nice of her.
I'm not having any symptoms of anything right now. I figure if we got lucky that I should start to notice something early next week. I would be super thrilled to move into that house and KNOW that we are going to be able to turn that bedroom #4 into a nursery. Wishful thinking, but I can't help it.
I hope all of you out there have a wonderful weekend. If you are not off on Monday, I'm sorry. And if you are...enjoy!
Our contractor will be able to tell us in about a week and a half what our "delivery" date will be. I can't believe it! And he's very confident that it will be before Christmas. Holy moly...can you imagine trying to move just before Christmas? In order to help me get myself in the holiday mode, I like to decorate the house and put up the tree no later than the first weekend in December...usually Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, I'm one of those. I LIVE for holiday decorating. So this means I am going to be on pins and needles waiting to hear that date. We don't want to spend Christmas in the rental, however, I also don't want to move right before Christmas, either. That means no decorating the rental (because I'm not doing it to just take it right back down and put it up somewhere else), trying to pack and move and hide presents and figure out where furniture and tables are going to go and getting everything put away as quickly as possible so that I can make our new house feel like a home in time for Christmas. Whew! That is going to be a task. I'm not going to complain about getting in the house sooner than we planned, but it's just sort of bad timing. I guess I am complaining a bit...
As all of the Infertile community knows...IF puts your life on hold. Our entire Summer was run by our IVF. That meant no real vacation. Shoot, our Spring was run by our IUI's so we didn't even really do anything during that time, either. We have decided that we think we are going to take the Little Guy to Disney World/Universal Studios in February. We will not be doing any treatments, however...as we all know I will probably be in the 2ww and scared to death to ride anything. I know it's far away on the calendar, but I know how things work out. I'm trying not to think about it and I haven't worked it out on the calendar yet so I might be getting worked up for nothing. I will either be in the 2ww or I will miraculously get knocked up before we go. I am an avid roller coaster rider. BJ is not. The Little Guy is just now getting brave about them and tall enough. We took a trip 2 years ago to Busch Gardens. It killed me because I couldn't ride NOT 1 ROLLER COASTER. I might go into convulsions if I can't ride any at Disney World or Universal. I have never been there and I want to do as much as possible while I am there. Wish me luck...you have not heard the last of this.
I contacted my nurse and she said that there is a trial coming up in January or February (see what I mean about timing?) and that she would keep me in mind for it. I know that these things have strict rules and criteria to meet so we will see if it's even a possibility for us. She wishes us the best and to contact her any time. I thought that was very nice of her.
I'm not having any symptoms of anything right now. I figure if we got lucky that I should start to notice something early next week. I would be super thrilled to move into that house and KNOW that we are going to be able to turn that bedroom #4 into a nursery. Wishful thinking, but I can't help it.
I hope all of you out there have a wonderful weekend. If you are not off on Monday, I'm sorry. And if you are...enjoy!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
7DPO - Ghosts of the Past
My cell phone rang today and my nurse's name came up on the caller ID. Just seeing her name bummed me out. I immediately pressed "ignore" and sent her to my voicemail. As soon as the voicemail notification chimed, I dialed in. She was calling to check on me and see how I am doing. She was curious to know what we have decided and what (if any) financial arrangements had been made as far as another cycle goes. She wants me to give her a call.
It's odd that this call came in right now. I was looking at the calendar and realized that as of Columbus Day, it has been 1 year since BJ and I visited the clinic for our initial consultation. What a great anniversary.
All my disappointment returned when I saw her name and listened to her message. All those feelings of my failed IUI's and my failed IVF came rushing back. These feelings are so intense but at the same time it feels like a LIFETIME ago. Like it happened to someone else and I just watched from the sidelines. At times during my treatment I felt like I was on the sidelines while someone else called the plays. I wish there was more I could have done to make my treatments successful. I'm beginning to think that I just have rotten eggs and that nothing I do can change that because I was born with them already rotten.
I read some information online about how a shortened cycle can mean egg quality issues. Well, I went from a clockwork 28 day cycle to a clockwork 26 day cycle a few years ago...actually right around my 30th birthday...the precise time I went off BCP and started TTC again. The article specifically mentioned dropping from 28 to 26 days.
Some research shows that a certain diet can affect your egg quality. I'm not sure how much credence I put into that. Most of what I read suggests it's purely hormonal and age driven. I wish I knew for sure what to believe. Having a husband and an 8 year old (a few nights a week) does not make diet changes easy. Actually, nearly impossible in my household. BJ cooks dinner most weeknights and he is not going to make me something special. We eat together as a family. When we don't have the Little Guy, it's even more difficult to try and eat something different as BJ is not going to make dinner for 1. If I were single, controlling what I eat would be no problem. But then I wouldn't be trying to get knocked up if I were single.
I don't know for certain that I have rotten eggs but it's the most likely scenario. I had 5 follicles, 4 eggs and 3 mature. One of those mature eggs was rotten because it let in 2 sperm. I'm guessing that the other 2 (that were supposedly "perfect, grade 1, 0% fragmentation embies) must have arrested after transfer. Either that or I have a bad uterus. Without another cycle and additional testing, I will never know. I can't afford any more IVF's. IUI's won't tell me anything about my eggs or my uterus so they are useless to me. Although I'd love to do another one since I at least know that my eggs will fertilize with BJ's swimmers. *sigh*
I need to get back to my nurse but I'm going to go the chicken way and just e-mail her. I'm going to let her down gently. Very much unlike the way BJ would handle things. He'd love to tell them all off for not getting me pregnant and taking all that money. Poor guy. He's just as helpless as me in this whole thing.
Oh...and I forgot to temp this morning. My alarm went off and instead of rolling away from me so I will get up, BJ rolled toward me and snuggled with me for a few minutes. It was a nice way to start the day. I told him that he makes it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. And then I had to jump up and get in the shower. I was brushing my teeth when I remembered about my temperature. I'm such a doofus sometimes.
And some good news....BJ got a raise at work! This is going to help us out so much with the new house. I'm so proud of him for being recognized by his boss. And in an economy like this, I am very grateful for what we have. I actually feel a little guilt about it sometimes. I mean, here we are having a new house built and he just got a big raise and there are people that can't feed their children. It breaks my heart.
It's odd that this call came in right now. I was looking at the calendar and realized that as of Columbus Day, it has been 1 year since BJ and I visited the clinic for our initial consultation. What a great anniversary.
All my disappointment returned when I saw her name and listened to her message. All those feelings of my failed IUI's and my failed IVF came rushing back. These feelings are so intense but at the same time it feels like a LIFETIME ago. Like it happened to someone else and I just watched from the sidelines. At times during my treatment I felt like I was on the sidelines while someone else called the plays. I wish there was more I could have done to make my treatments successful. I'm beginning to think that I just have rotten eggs and that nothing I do can change that because I was born with them already rotten.
I read some information online about how a shortened cycle can mean egg quality issues. Well, I went from a clockwork 28 day cycle to a clockwork 26 day cycle a few years ago...actually right around my 30th birthday...the precise time I went off BCP and started TTC again. The article specifically mentioned dropping from 28 to 26 days.
Some research shows that a certain diet can affect your egg quality. I'm not sure how much credence I put into that. Most of what I read suggests it's purely hormonal and age driven. I wish I knew for sure what to believe. Having a husband and an 8 year old (a few nights a week) does not make diet changes easy. Actually, nearly impossible in my household. BJ cooks dinner most weeknights and he is not going to make me something special. We eat together as a family. When we don't have the Little Guy, it's even more difficult to try and eat something different as BJ is not going to make dinner for 1. If I were single, controlling what I eat would be no problem. But then I wouldn't be trying to get knocked up if I were single.
I don't know for certain that I have rotten eggs but it's the most likely scenario. I had 5 follicles, 4 eggs and 3 mature. One of those mature eggs was rotten because it let in 2 sperm. I'm guessing that the other 2 (that were supposedly "perfect, grade 1, 0% fragmentation embies) must have arrested after transfer. Either that or I have a bad uterus. Without another cycle and additional testing, I will never know. I can't afford any more IVF's. IUI's won't tell me anything about my eggs or my uterus so they are useless to me. Although I'd love to do another one since I at least know that my eggs will fertilize with BJ's swimmers. *sigh*
I need to get back to my nurse but I'm going to go the chicken way and just e-mail her. I'm going to let her down gently. Very much unlike the way BJ would handle things. He'd love to tell them all off for not getting me pregnant and taking all that money. Poor guy. He's just as helpless as me in this whole thing.
Oh...and I forgot to temp this morning. My alarm went off and instead of rolling away from me so I will get up, BJ rolled toward me and snuggled with me for a few minutes. It was a nice way to start the day. I told him that he makes it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. And then I had to jump up and get in the shower. I was brushing my teeth when I remembered about my temperature. I'm such a doofus sometimes.
And some good news....BJ got a raise at work! This is going to help us out so much with the new house. I'm so proud of him for being recognized by his boss. And in an economy like this, I am very grateful for what we have. I actually feel a little guilt about it sometimes. I mean, here we are having a new house built and he just got a big raise and there are people that can't feed their children. It breaks my heart.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
6DPO - It's the Little Things
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Been busy at work and the last thing I want to do is sit behind a computer at home these days.
I have to tell a story about how happy I was Friday.
We met up with BJ's sister and her family (2 boys aged 8 and 6 and a girl aged 15 months) to go to the fair. We went back to her house to hang out for a while. The niece and I sat on the couch for about 30 minutes playing with a set of cookie toys. One side of the cookie had a shape and it snapped together with the other side with the matching shape. We went through them 3 times. Every time she got it right, I cheered and we high fived. She would ask for help when she couldn't get the pieces together...although she picked the right ones 99% of the time. After that, I could tell she was sleepy and it was just about her nap time. I asked her if she was ready to take a nap and she said yes. She picked up her blanket and asked for her "pass" (pacifier) and I picked her up. I asked my SIL if it was ok if I put her down and she said that it was and that they usually read her 2 books before she goes down for a nap. I carried her to her room and I picked 2 books and we sat in the rocker/glider in her room. She made me put my feet up on the glider part, just like mommy does. I read her the 2 books and laid her down in her crib. She curled up and went to sleep. I found out that she doesn't let her dad put her to bed and I kind of felt bad. I'm guessing that it's a "girl" thing. We don't spend a lot of time together and she's usually pretty shy at first until she warms up to us. She had NO problems letting me put her to bed and that made me feel really good. It also made me wish she was mine...but I usually wish that all the little toddlers and babies are mine.
When she woke up, I asked my SIL if I could get her and she agreed. I really expected her to be a crying mess and not want me after she woke up. Most babies in my experience want their parent when they first wake up. However, I went in and I picked her up and she laid her head on my shoulder and quieted right down. It was such a nice and peaceful moment...one that I will cherish for a very long time.
THEN...later we decided to try and get her to dance as she likes to do. The radio was turned on and it was a song I know pretty well so I started singing and bee bopping. She copied everything I did. She even tried to move her mouth like I was doing when I was singing. I asked her if she could snap her fingers and of course she had to try. It was amazing. We have never connected so well before. She was studying me so closely. The BIL even pointed out how she was copying everything I was doing.
Man I wish I could get pregnant and have a baby. I can't even begin to tell you how great I felt that day. I'm lucky to have her in my life to keep my eye on the prize.
I'm 6DPO and my temps are as crazy as this whole cycle has been. I'm going to post a link to my chart eventually. I really need to try to stop analyzing the data but it's kind of fun because I never know what I'm going to get from day to day. I'm not feeling any different than I do any other cycle, so we probably missed the boat. But I guess you never know.
I have to tell a story about how happy I was Friday.
We met up with BJ's sister and her family (2 boys aged 8 and 6 and a girl aged 15 months) to go to the fair. We went back to her house to hang out for a while. The niece and I sat on the couch for about 30 minutes playing with a set of cookie toys. One side of the cookie had a shape and it snapped together with the other side with the matching shape. We went through them 3 times. Every time she got it right, I cheered and we high fived. She would ask for help when she couldn't get the pieces together...although she picked the right ones 99% of the time. After that, I could tell she was sleepy and it was just about her nap time. I asked her if she was ready to take a nap and she said yes. She picked up her blanket and asked for her "pass" (pacifier) and I picked her up. I asked my SIL if it was ok if I put her down and she said that it was and that they usually read her 2 books before she goes down for a nap. I carried her to her room and I picked 2 books and we sat in the rocker/glider in her room. She made me put my feet up on the glider part, just like mommy does. I read her the 2 books and laid her down in her crib. She curled up and went to sleep. I found out that she doesn't let her dad put her to bed and I kind of felt bad. I'm guessing that it's a "girl" thing. We don't spend a lot of time together and she's usually pretty shy at first until she warms up to us. She had NO problems letting me put her to bed and that made me feel really good. It also made me wish she was mine...but I usually wish that all the little toddlers and babies are mine.
When she woke up, I asked my SIL if I could get her and she agreed. I really expected her to be a crying mess and not want me after she woke up. Most babies in my experience want their parent when they first wake up. However, I went in and I picked her up and she laid her head on my shoulder and quieted right down. It was such a nice and peaceful moment...one that I will cherish for a very long time.
THEN...later we decided to try and get her to dance as she likes to do. The radio was turned on and it was a song I know pretty well so I started singing and bee bopping. She copied everything I did. She even tried to move her mouth like I was doing when I was singing. I asked her if she could snap her fingers and of course she had to try. It was amazing. We have never connected so well before. She was studying me so closely. The BIL even pointed out how she was copying everything I was doing.
Man I wish I could get pregnant and have a baby. I can't even begin to tell you how great I felt that day. I'm lucky to have her in my life to keep my eye on the prize.
I'm 6DPO and my temps are as crazy as this whole cycle has been. I'm going to post a link to my chart eventually. I really need to try to stop analyzing the data but it's kind of fun because I never know what I'm going to get from day to day. I'm not feeling any different than I do any other cycle, so we probably missed the boat. But I guess you never know.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
1dpo - Not All Hope is Lost - EDITED
Let me tell you....yesterday I felt like someone was stabbing my ovary, twisting it up and trying to rip it out. Of course this is my left ovary. The one that hurts the most and the one that usually gets the functioning cyst and the one that is slower to respond to stims and the one that hurt the most after my ER. I haven't had that much pain while ovulating in a LONG ass time. It got so bad that I had to breath through it as though I were in labor. I've never been in labor, but I've heard LOTS of stories. I finally took some Motrin and it either eased the pain or the pain just lessened as the day went on as it usually does.
We had Chinese food for dinner last night. I ordered my favorite, General Tso's Chicken, and a large steamed rice with 2 shrimp egg rolls. The Little Guy was with his mom last night and one order is enough for just BJ and me. For some reason they gave me 3 fortune cookies. I'm mad at myself for forgetting to bring them in because I wanted to quote them word for word. Alas, I am a forgetting fool these days. We ate dinner and cleaned up and then I remembered about the cookies. I gave BJ his, took mine and began opening it and set the third one on the table. I smiled when I read (and this is paraphrasing) "When winter comes, you will be successful". BJ asked me what mine said and I made him wait until he read his. HIS SAID THE EXACT SAME THING! We started laughing. I was going to save the third one for the Little Guy but now I just HAD to know what it said. When I opened it I read out loud, "All your hard work will soon pay off". BJ laughed and said that he guesses we will both do something good at work. And I said, "no...what if we get pregnant this winter?" He said that would be cool. And then I said that I'd much prefer that it happen before winter gets here but I'll take it.
Remember how I was upset with him yesterday for not "performing" for me like every good little monkey should? And you should read that with complete sarcasm because I in NO WAY think of my husband that way. He proceeds to tell me that he'd actually prefer it happen next month when he isn't on his meds anymore because it has him a bit concerned. I felt like a fink. I thought he was just avoiding the babymaking stress but in actuality he was a bit freaked out by his medicine and how it might affect a growing baby. So all hope in him is not lost. :-) Plus, he did mention how we were active about 36 to 40 hours before I ovulated so there is still a chance. I'm not naive, I know the odds aren't good and that we really should have done it Tuesday...but I'll play along and be hopeful for another cycle. What have I got to lose? Besides my sanity.
So I start another 2ww today. And the fun begins of analyzing everything and thinking and dreaming and wondering and...oh hell, you know the drill.
***our fortunes said, "When winter comes, Heaven will rain success on you". Much better than how I remember it.
We had Chinese food for dinner last night. I ordered my favorite, General Tso's Chicken, and a large steamed rice with 2 shrimp egg rolls. The Little Guy was with his mom last night and one order is enough for just BJ and me. For some reason they gave me 3 fortune cookies. I'm mad at myself for forgetting to bring them in because I wanted to quote them word for word. Alas, I am a forgetting fool these days. We ate dinner and cleaned up and then I remembered about the cookies. I gave BJ his, took mine and began opening it and set the third one on the table. I smiled when I read (and this is paraphrasing) "When winter comes, you will be successful". BJ asked me what mine said and I made him wait until he read his. HIS SAID THE EXACT SAME THING! We started laughing. I was going to save the third one for the Little Guy but now I just HAD to know what it said. When I opened it I read out loud, "All your hard work will soon pay off". BJ laughed and said that he guesses we will both do something good at work. And I said, "no...what if we get pregnant this winter?" He said that would be cool. And then I said that I'd much prefer that it happen before winter gets here but I'll take it.
Remember how I was upset with him yesterday for not "performing" for me like every good little monkey should? And you should read that with complete sarcasm because I in NO WAY think of my husband that way. He proceeds to tell me that he'd actually prefer it happen next month when he isn't on his meds anymore because it has him a bit concerned. I felt like a fink. I thought he was just avoiding the babymaking stress but in actuality he was a bit freaked out by his medicine and how it might affect a growing baby. So all hope in him is not lost. :-) Plus, he did mention how we were active about 36 to 40 hours before I ovulated so there is still a chance. I'm not naive, I know the odds aren't good and that we really should have done it Tuesday...but I'll play along and be hopeful for another cycle. What have I got to lose? Besides my sanity.
So I start another 2ww today. And the fun begins of analyzing everything and thinking and dreaming and wondering and...oh hell, you know the drill.
***our fortunes said, "When winter comes, Heaven will rain success on you". Much better than how I remember it.
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