Monday, January 30, 2012

The Big Day

The big day is not my wedding day or anything like’s the day I will sit down with my doctor and discuss using donor eggs to expand our family. It’s either going to be a very GOOD big day or a very BAD big day. I’m so nervous. I don’t have a good feeling. The last time I sat down with him he told me that I was not eligible for the shared risk IVF. He knew then that I had bad eggs but didn’t tell me. I was too great a risk for them to take. So I sucked it up and took one last shot at IVF. I knew it would work and it did. It just didn’t last. I’m so rattled right now and I think that it’s because there is so much riding on this.

I would think that I’m the perfect candidate for donor eggs and that there should be no reason for them to deny us the shared risk program. He has always told me how great and beautiful my uterus is. He has never mentioned any strange blood disorders or immune issues...but maybe they never tested for them. I just have a feeling that I’m going to be disappointed after tomorrow’s appointment.

I don’t even know what the appointment will entail. I’m hoping to get hooked up with a donor coordinator tomorrow and get a password and start looking. I know there’s going to be lots of papers to fill out and legal jargon to sift through. I hope that we can start the process right away. BJ is so wonderful, he took the day off in case we need to sit there for a while. He said he’d rather do that than keep watching the clock and getting impatient knowing that he has things to do. I hope we are sitting there for a while. I want to start getting everything in order. I imagine there will be blood work and probably another SA (he’ll be thrilled). I plan on putting in the paperwork for my 401k loan as soon as we get the all clear from the financial lady that we can do the shared risk program. Hopefully we are allowed to enter that program.

I can’t tell you ladies how much it means to me to have you rooting for us and cheering us on and supporting us. I need ALL of it right now. I feel like I could throw up with anticipation. In less than 24 hours I will know what path we are on....heading toward another shot (or 6) or hitting a steel barrier.

In other news....I will not be one of those lucky ladies to post on here about a surprise BFP just as we make the decision for DE. Yesterday was CD1. Meaning that tomorrow would be a really good time for some blood work and for starting BCP’s in preparation. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

We painted the office Saturday. This reminds me that I have totally abandoned posting pictures of our house and the few changes we have made since we moved in. I’ll have to get back to that. As we were painting and doubting our ability and criticizing every little mistake we made, I told BJ that hopefully it was a practice run in case we get to paint a nursery. It seems crazy to think that it might happen...but it might, right? *sigh*

I’m just a worrier at heart, I guess. I was so pumped up the last time I went in there for an appointment and I guess I don’t want to do that to myself again. I probably will not update until Wednesday because if by chance I come to work I will be arriving late and playing catch up all day and if I don’t come in then I will be hanging with BJ for the day.

It’s go time.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


I am spending way too much time on the internet scouring blogs and forums looking for information on donor egg cycles. Thanks to my friend Pie I now know that I will be taking regular Lupron and not Depot Lupron. I also did more reading on that and it seems that is the norm. I’m not sure why I’ve read that a woman is taking DL prepping for a transfer when it seems most people just take regular Lupron. That’s a good thing because regular Lupron is covered by my insurance. Score 1 for me.

I’ve found out that the length of time from when a donor is chosen to when she has her ER can be anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks...yikes. I know it takes time to synch cycles and what not but geez, it’s still all about the waiting game isn’t it? Plus, we are sharing our donor so it might even be a longer wait.

I’ve learned that BJ and I will probably have to have psych exams to make sure we are ready for this and that we understand what this means. Like I’ve said before, I think I’m mentally ready for this. I don’t long for a biological attachment as much as I long to be pregnant and nurture a growing baby with my body. I know that there won’t be any less love in our house. My only concern comes from telling the child. Doing it gently at a young age sounds good but what happens when my fear takes over? The fear that the child will want to know its “real” mother eventually. I’m sure these are some of the things that the donor counselor will explore with us.

I read a post about a woman that has “unusual” hair (whatever that means). She said she shares that hair with her father or grandfather or something like that. She had twins via donor egg and she said that one of her children has begun to show signs of this “unusual” hair. It is believed that it is a blood-borne issue. How cool is that? To know that there might actually be some genetic link after all is amazing to me.

I keep trying to think up questions to ask the Almighty because I can’t get all of this out of my head. I get butterflies thinking about the possibilities. I want to talk about it all the time but that is not I come here to write and I bring it up with BJ every once in a while. He brings it up with me, too. We have a lot short conversations that begin with “if you/we have a baby....”. It’s fun. It’s scary. It’s like I’ve been thrust backward to the very first days of TTC. In those days, I was checking out nurseries and baby products and stuff like that online. Today, I’m looking for information on donor egg cycles. It’s not the same but it feels very similar inside. I want to submerge myself in all things baby/donor egg. I’m glad our appointment is next week(!!!) so we can (hopefully) begin the process of bringing home a baby. Just the thought of that makes my heart skip a beat.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Road Ahead

I’m on CD25 right now. My last cycle was 25 days, a little short for me but not too strange. I continuously have 25-27 day cycles and a 15-16 day luteal phase. According to my FF chart and my ovulation pain, I’m 13DPO today. Most likely, AF will be here Saturday or Sunday. Our appointment is Tuesday. That would probably be CD 3 or 4. How cool would it be if I could get on suppression drugs right now and jump right in instead of having to wait? We don’t have to give them any money until we reserve a donor and pulling a check from my 401k only takes a few days...I could have it ready and waiting. I know it will probably not work like that but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

My lovely bloggy buddy, Mo, over at Mommy Odyssey shared a link with me today to another blog that brought tears to my eyes. It doesn’t take much these days since I’m hormonal due to the impending arrival of AF, but still, it was very moving. If you or anyone you know is struggling with how to share the news of donor egg conception with their child, this is a great way.

I’m hoping right along with all of you that this really will work for us. There are still so many variables that are unknown. Look how long it took us to find out that my eggs are crap. I feel pretty confident that this road will lead to a child but I’m trying not to count my chickens before they are hatched. Ha ha, pun intended...even though that’s pretty corny.

I’ve been thinking about what (if anything) to tell our families. Well, really just BJ’s family. I might have to bring my dad into this because we may need to borrow a tiny bit of the fee from him. I also just want to be up front with him about what we are going through. I will admit that I’m a little scared at his and my step-mom’s reaction. They don’t fully understand the science of donor conception (or IVF for that matter) and I hope they won’t have an issue with a child not being biologically related to them. I think they are pretty open minded and they definitely understand my desires so hopefully it will go over well. As far as BJ’s family goes, I’m thinking that we will only tell them that we did IVF again (if it works). I don’t think it will be a big deal but I don’t want anyone from his sister’s husband’s family to know. I would like to keep some things private and I think that’s ok. Plus, the child will be biologically related to BJ so it will still be a link in that family chain. My SIL is very sweet but she can be very insensitive (unknowingly) sometimes when it has come to my infertility. The last thing I want is for her to cringe at the idea of “another woman’s baby” being inside me or making some remark to that effect, you know? Not that she would, but you just never know. I have no idea what to tell the LG. I mean, he’s almost 11 so they will be learning all about eggs and sperm in school either this year or next year. And again, the child will be biologically related to him so it should be fine, right? I feel that he has a right to know as much as the child does...right?

As for the 3 non-family people (my old boss and 2 co-workers) that know of our loss from before I think I will tell them that we did IVF again, too. No harm in that.

I registered on a DE forum so that I could post some of my questions but then I chickened out and decided not to post anything. I need to make a list of questions to ask Dr. M next week because I know my mind will go blank when we get in there. One major question I have is about the medications I will be taking. Is the Lupron the same as in an IVF cycle? I know the dosage would be different and it wouldn’t be mixed with stimulants but I need to know if my insurance will cover it. They covered the Lupron for my IVFs so I’m hoping it’s the same medication...although I’ve hear people call it depot Lupron so I’m worried that it’s not the same. Do any of you know?

The road ahead is full of questions and unknowns, isn’t it? This process will be a whole new education for us, that is for sure. My husband actually asked me the craziest question the other night, and no, I’m not making this up...we were talking about his swimmers mixing with another woman’s eggs and I told him that he was cheating on me. Just joking around of course. And then he says, “That doesn’t happen internally, does it?” Oh my. I had to chuckle at that. I then explained that it happens in a dish, just like it did with our IVFs and that no, they do not put his sperm in another woman and then take out the fertilized egg. He trips me out sometimes. Hopefully you got a kick out of that, too.

Less than a week, people!!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Whirling Head

I first need to thank all of you for your supportive and uplifting comments on my last post. I haven’t heard from some of you in quite a while and it’s good to know you are still out there! :-) Now maybe you will update your own blogs...hint, hint. Just kidding. And I know that Blogger was/is being a pain with commenting as I have had my own issues so thank you to those that sent me e-mails, too!

If I thought deciding to do fertility treatments like IUI and IVF were a roller coaster ride, I had no idea what I was in for when we made the decision to try this donor egg procedure. I go from being totally excited and thinking about all the possibilities of getting pregnant again and turning my scrapping room into a nursery and all the other great thoughts that come along with TTC in general, to completely turning against myself and convincing myself that 1) they won’t let us do the shared risk plan and 2) it won’t work anyway so why are we even bothering to do this?

I’m a mess. I found a message board about donor egg and was very surprised at some of the stories of these women. I know that there is no “magic ticket” out there but I felt pretty confident that de must be the way to go and that after 6 fresh (and however many FET’s) cycles that we’d surely bring a baby home. That is not always the case and I was smacked with that reality when I found that message board. There are some women that have done 4 fresh cycles and still do not have a baby. I don’t want to be one of those women. It’s so scary to think that it might not work. And then I think that if God really wanted me to have a baby that he would have given me one by now. Then my thoughts turn to things like thinking that God just wants to see how truly determined I am and then he will bless us with a de baby. Like I said above, I’m a mess.

I feel ok inside with doing this and I think that is half the battle. I don’t think I will love a de baby any less. The LG is not mine through biology but I love him and treat him as though he were mine. I do worry about how the child will feel and if it will matter. Of course I would tell the child, I’m just not sure how to go about that. I know that if this works I have quite a few years before I have to worry about it, but it should be something to think about now, too.

BJ and I have started talking more and more about “if we have one”, “if this works” and things like that. We have not been as careful as we should and I have tried to catch myself around the LG and I’ve made attempts to get BJ to be a little more aware. He’s a smart kid and I think he would catch on to something. Not necessarily what we are doing but that we are planning/hoping for a baby in the not too distant future.

I went into bedbathandbeyond last week and boy have they changed that store since the last time I was in there. They have a HUGE baby section now and it’s not avoidable like most other stores’ baby sections. When I saw it I was sad because I know that we should have a baby now and I should have been shopping for more baby gear but at the same time I was also filled with hope. The sadness was more of a longing and not so much of a kick to the stomach if that makes any sense. I miss my lost baby every day. I read a post by someone (I’m sorry that I can’t remember who) that said that she missed her lost babies, too, but that if they had not been lost she would not have the beautiful children she has now. That is exactly how I feel. I have so much hope for the future (and I hope I’m not crushed this time) that might be out there for us and the baby that is (hopefully) yet to come. It’s hard to explain, really. I hope I’m making sense and if not then you know how I feel...unable to make heads or tails out of all of this sometimes.

Our appointment is 7 days I think that having this much time in between making the appointment and actually going to the appointment has given me way too much time to over think and over analyze and over worry and, yes, over hope. It’s not easy waiting for such a monumental event. Yes, I realize it’s just the start, but it’s a START. After all this time of thinking I was at a dead end, I can sort of see the clearing in the path ahead. I’m hoping that I have the tools to make it through. If I don’t have the tools I’m hoping that God will help me find the strength and another set of tools to make it through. There’s so much riding on this. I’m not sure I can hit that dead end again and start all over with my grieving process. It almost seems like too much to bear (bare?).

So for now we are going to stay positive and try to keep a level head and try not to talk myself down...this is going to be good. We are going to succeed and I’m going to be a mom. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a bigger fall. Hang on everyone, this ride is just beginning.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The New Plan

My wheels began to turn the minute BJ said he wanted to move forward with DE. The main thing stopping us has been money. We were going to get a pool this year (it’s been on hold for 2 years) for the family to enjoy. It was a guaranteed expense with a guaranteed outcome and years of enjoyment. The whole reason we needed a house with a big back yard was for the pool. The LG wants one like no tomorrow. He talks about it often, as do the rest of us. So when BJ said that we would scrap the pool it was a very big deal in our house. Of course the LG is not yet aware that he will not be getting a pool. On the off chance that we do not get a baby out of this, we get our money back and will put it towards a pool.

The decision was made to move forward with the shared risk program at our clinic. We pay a fee and we get 6 fresh and any frozen cycles until we take home a baby. If we do not take a baby home (not even going there) then we get our money back. Now, to come up with a plan to get the money.

The majority of the money will come from my 401k. In order to be able to pay the loan back (because I only get 5 years to do so) I will have to stop contributing. Not the wisest financial move but like my husband said, a baby is more important than my 401k right now. We will take a small amount from our savings account, a small amount from my credit union account (ok it will wipe that account out) and hopefully the rest will come from our tax refund. If it ends up not being enough then I will have to humble myself and ask my dad for any remaining funds that are needed.

I called the clinic the very next morning to tell them our plan. We can’t move forward until we have a meeting with Dr. M. That meeting will take place on January 31. I also put myself on the waiting list in case he has a cancellation. They gave me a temporary password to look through the data pool of potential donors. I found one I loved. I wrote her file number down so I could show BJ that evening. Wouldn’t you know she was already taken by the time I got home? Wow. And can I tell you how strange it was to be looking at these baby pictures and reading all of these traits about these women? More on that another time.

That is where we stand right now. I’m waiting, not so patiently, for the 31st. I’m also freaking out that they will find some way of telling us that we don’t qualify for the shared risk program. The ONLY way we can do this and the ONE stipulation that BJ gave was that we had to have a guarantee this time. I don’t blame him. I can’t throw more money away on hope anymore.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Christmas, New Year and Then Some

From all of the blog posts I’ve been reading everyone had a pretty good Christmas and a great New Year. There were a few exceptions but I think most have bounced back in fine fashion.

I had a good Christmas. It could have been better had I still been pregnant but I made lemonade out of my lemons. I didn’t let my heartache get to me too much. I stayed dry eyed most of the time. The Little Guy came over around 1:30 and we had our celebration. He is one spoiled child. I am one spoiled wife, too. BJ got me a great new camera...with a real lens and a tripod and he even thought of getting an extra battery. I *heart* him greatly. He’s pretty spoiled himself, though. He got new tools and a big tool box for the garage. We had a lovely dinner and it was a great day.

Once Christmas was over I was ready to put the house back together. I used to be a person that would leave the decorations up until January 1. Not anymore. If I had the energy it would have all come down the day after Christmas. As it was, I let it stay up until that Thursday. The outside stuff came down on New Year’s was 60* so it was perfect for taking everything down and trimming the rose bushes back. It was unbelievably warm outside and we did all of this in t-shirts.

New Year’s was a little bit of a drag because I kept thinking of how big my belly should be and how going out should not have even been a thought. But we went out and had a quiet evening at the Lodge and made it home in time to see the ball drop.

While I was off I managed to get quite a bit done in my scrapping room. It was a disaster. I cleaned everything up and organized and now it’s beautiful in there. I just need some shelves for the closet. I also got quite a bit of scrapping done over break. I think I can put all of my pages into an album now. It’s amazing what I can get done when the boys are playing video games and I’m caught up with most of the cleaning because I’m at home and not at work.

Going back to work sucked. Sitting in traffic and getting home late is such a drag. I’m thankful that I can take a bus and try to chill or catch a quick a nap but at the same time I wish I were in control of how fast I drive and which way I go and who to pass, you know? It’s sort of nice to be back in a routine but I’d rather be home keeping up on the cleaning and shopping and cooking good meals for my boys. Oh well, it is what it is, right?

It’s a new year and apparently my husband has been thinking about our situation a lot. So much so that he totally surprised me at dinner on January 3. The Little Guy was at his mother’s and we were just finishing up our meal when he says to me, “I think we should forget about the pool and work on getting you pregnant.” I.was.stunned. He went on to say how he’s not getting any younger and his time is just about up as far as having a baby and how a baby is much more important than a pool anyway and that we need to go for the DE program with 6 tries and a money back guarantee. I couldn’t speak. I sat there and just stared at him. He finally started laughing and said, “well? Yes?” I just said, “ok” and got up and hugged him and thanked him and told him how sorry I was that we keep having to sacrifice so much money because I just can’t get pregnant and how this conversation and plan is coming at the right time because my due date was January 7. I squeezed him so tight and then the tears came. It was such an amazing feeling. I have lots more to write about this because nothing is ever that easy and we are slowly putting a plan together that we hope will lead us to a take home baby. I just wanted to get this out there because I’m about to burst if I don’t tell someone.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your encouraging words and your hugs and your support. You have been there for me in ways I can't even put into words.  The comments, the support, the advice...I'm so grateful for all of it.  I am happy to say good-bye to 2011 because even though it brought me my first BFP ever, it also brought me great heartache with my loss. I learned that I could fall instantly in love with 2 lines and then be devastated by a low beta number. It seems that everywhere I turned babies dominated. Whether it was TV commercials, movies, a lot of the Fall TV schedule....even Chuck. Not sure if any of you watch that show but the main woman just had a pregnancy scare. I just couldn’t believe how much some of this hurt. I think BJ picked up on my pain and that is what made him bring up DE with me. I think he would see me look away from the TV or leave the room or maybe it was all the negative, bitter comments I would make.  I don’t know where this road will take us because things are just beginning. I just know that I have a renewed hope that scares the bejezus out of me. I have much more to write but I will stop for now. I am looking forward to sharing this new chapter with all of you and maybe finding some new blogs to follow that will help me sort out everything I’m feeling as we head down this new road. Love to you all and I hope that 2012 brings all of us much happiness and good health and healing.