Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Whirling Head

I first need to thank all of you for your supportive and uplifting comments on my last post. I haven’t heard from some of you in quite a while and it’s good to know you are still out there! :-) Now maybe you will update your own blogs...hint, hint. Just kidding. And I know that Blogger was/is being a pain with commenting as I have had my own issues so thank you to those that sent me e-mails, too!

If I thought deciding to do fertility treatments like IUI and IVF were a roller coaster ride, I had no idea what I was in for when we made the decision to try this donor egg procedure. Oh.my.gosh. I go from being totally excited and thinking about all the possibilities of getting pregnant again and turning my scrapping room into a nursery and all the other great thoughts that come along with TTC in general, to completely turning against myself and convincing myself that 1) they won’t let us do the shared risk plan and 2) it won’t work anyway so why are we even bothering to do this?

I’m a mess. I found a message board about donor egg and was very surprised at some of the stories of these women. I know that there is no “magic ticket” out there but I felt pretty confident that de must be the way to go and that after 6 fresh (and however many FET’s) cycles that we’d surely bring a baby home. That is not always the case and I was smacked with that reality when I found that message board. There are some women that have done 4 fresh cycles and still do not have a baby. I don’t want to be one of those women. It’s so scary to think that it might not work. And then I think that if God really wanted me to have a baby that he would have given me one by now. Then my thoughts turn to things like thinking that God just wants to see how truly determined I am and then he will bless us with a de baby. Like I said above, I’m a mess.

I feel ok inside with doing this and I think that is half the battle. I don’t think I will love a de baby any less. The LG is not mine through biology but I love him and treat him as though he were mine. I do worry about how the child will feel and if it will matter. Of course I would tell the child, I’m just not sure how to go about that. I know that if this works I have quite a few years before I have to worry about it, but it should be something to think about now, too.

BJ and I have started talking more and more about “if we have one”, “if this works” and things like that. We have not been as careful as we should and I have tried to catch myself around the LG and I’ve made attempts to get BJ to be a little more aware. He’s a smart kid and I think he would catch on to something. Not necessarily what we are doing but that we are planning/hoping for a baby in the not too distant future.

I went into bedbathandbeyond last week and boy have they changed that store since the last time I was in there. They have a HUGE baby section now and it’s not avoidable like most other stores’ baby sections. When I saw it I was sad because I know that we should have a baby now and I should have been shopping for more baby gear but at the same time I was also filled with hope. The sadness was more of a longing and not so much of a kick to the stomach if that makes any sense. I miss my lost baby every day. I read a post by someone (I’m sorry that I can’t remember who) that said that she missed her lost babies, too, but that if they had not been lost she would not have the beautiful children she has now. That is exactly how I feel. I have so much hope for the future (and I hope I’m not crushed this time) that might be out there for us and the baby that is (hopefully) yet to come. It’s hard to explain, really. I hope I’m making sense and if not then you know how I feel...unable to make heads or tails out of all of this sometimes.

Our appointment is 7 days away...wow. I think that having this much time in between making the appointment and actually going to the appointment has given me way too much time to over think and over analyze and over worry and, yes, over hope. It’s not easy waiting for such a monumental event. Yes, I realize it’s just the start, but it’s a START. After all this time of thinking I was at a dead end, I can sort of see the clearing in the path ahead. I’m hoping that I have the tools to make it through. If I don’t have the tools I’m hoping that God will help me find the strength and another set of tools to make it through. There’s so much riding on this. I’m not sure I can hit that dead end again and start all over with my grieving process. It almost seems like too much to bear (bare?).

So for now we are going to stay positive and try to keep a level head and try not to talk myself down...this is going to be good. We are going to succeed and I’m going to be a mom. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a bigger fall. Hang on everyone, this ride is just beginning.


Rebecca said...

BBB has a baby section? I guess it has been a while since I've been in that store.

newbie said...

I can relate to this post - my brain always starts spinning the second I settle on a new course of treatment. I can totally understand being scared and anxious...there are no guarantees in life. But DE is a MUCH more sure option than most, so you have every reason to remain hopeful.

someday-soon said...

All the what-if's are overwhelming. Hopefully your appointment next week provides some direction and you're right it's a START =) My nieces are the result of DE after two failed IVFs with my SIL's eggs. And a little girl at K's daycare is a DE baby (her parents are very open about it) after reoccurring 2nd trimester losses. It does work...for a lot of people. Try not to let the scary internet freak you out more than is needed =) You're right that there's no guarantee...but there is a big reason to hope =)

Esperanza said...

Oh Tee Jay! I'm so sorry I haven't commented since you told us the amazing knew that you will be trying again. I've been so happy for you, so filled with hope and I'm ashamed I haven't commented yet to tell you. I'm apologize profusely for that.

I'm sure this whole thing is bringing up a ton of emotions. Just be patient with yourself and you'll find your path. I have faith in you. You can do this.

Jem said...

Don't over-think think things, just surrender to the process. I'm confident things will work out for you.

A said...

i am sure it is kind of overwhelming to take it all in right now, but try to take things day by day! we are all here cheering you on and praying for you!

Pie said...

Hanging on!! Ready to ride the ride with you. One week! Not too long now, just hang in there and try not to think too much :)

Anonymous said...

All I can tell you is that the second you announced you were going for DE, my gut said this would work for you guys. Not that my gut is the end-all be-all of everything. But there ya go. Your gut said it too, so trust it.
Oh - and read this: http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/06/mommys-garden/