BJ and I talked a couple of times about our options over the weekend. We discussed adoption a little and the money it takes. We discussed the money involved in the IVF shared risk program. He doesn't want to shell money out at all. Well, duh. None of us do. We'd all like to live in the land of Fertile, but we don't. We live in this nasty wasteland that is Infertility. In order to build our family we have to spend money, and gobs of it. We agreed that we need to do SOMETHING. His words were, "you are almost out of time, I am out of time...my limit was 37 and I'll be 39 this year."
We decided that we are going to apply for the shared risk IVF program at our clinic (please let us qualify!). If we don't have a bio baby then at least we get our money back and can make a decision about adoption at that time. Right now, neither of us feel that adoption is the answer. We both have too many mixed feelings about expanding our family through adoption. I cannot thank you all enough for your comments (and e-mails!) that really let me see another side of adoption. I truly believe that if we do not conceive, we will pursue adoption with our refund money. I think I have to be completely sure that my body will not give us a baby before I'm fully committed to adoption. All of your heartfelt e-mails and comments have actually helped me not feel so overwhelmed with making this decision. BJ said to me that if we do all 6 cycles (and any FETs) and we still don't have a baby...then we know for sure that we tried everything and that it just isn't going to happen in my body. He said there would be no more questions and no more "what ifs". He's right. Many people do not get pregnant from their first IVF. We only did one and I feel like we didn't try hard enough.
Where is the money coming from? Well, BJ would like for me to ask my dad for a loan instead of charging part and taking part out of my 401k. I don't know if I can do that. I told him that maybe I will ask him for half and take the other half from my 401k to leave our credit cards clear. He said this to me, "would it be harder for you to ask your dad for money, or to live without a baby?" Hmmmm....good point. First, I have to see if we qualify for the program. I set an appointment with my RE for February 9. He will either turn me down flat or he'll ask for blood work and all the usual IF work up stuff to see how things look. If we are approved then I have to figure out exactly where the money comes from. My FSH was slightly elevated (just under 10) in October of 2008 and I really hope that it hasn't gotten any worse. I think that will be the determining factor in all of this.
I will be honest...I'm filled with hope and excitement over the prospect of cycling again. I know I will hate all the extra driving to the monitoring appointments and all the needle sticks and everything else that comes along with it...but the thought of having at least 6 REAL tries at a baby just makes me giddy. I've been thinking about how I might actually get to use the baby name(s) I've picked out. I've thought about how exciting it will be to tell people. I've thought about nursery furniture and how it won't make my heart ache to shop for baby items. I won't have to avert my eyes while walking through the store. I know I am WAY ahead of myself, but I just can't help it. I have baby-brain right now.
The first hurdle is getting approved. My appointment is Feb 9 which is 3 weeks from today. We will most likely have to repeat all of our testing and that will take a couple of weeks. The earliest I will probably cycle is late March or early April. If we can get a BFP within our first 3 cycles then I won't be far from my self-imposed deadline. Not too shabby. And maybe, just maybe I will have a baby or at least be pregnant at this time next year. Now that is a great plan.