I'm not even sure where to start this post as I have not really put my thoughts in order, but I will try to muddle through coherently.
I've thought about adoption in the past. I know it costs money, a lot of money in many cases (depending on what type of adoption road is chosen). I know there is a waiting list as long as the Mississippi River for a newborn. I know there are many hurdles to jump through to get the process going. I know that sometimes, things go wrong.
I know all of these things in my head and it's very logical and straightforward. I have always thought that one day I'd actually get pregnant and never need to think about another option. Well, as you know that has not happened and now that I'm inching ever closer to my End Game, I'm starting to wonder what road I'm heading down.
To myself, I have thought that adoption may be expensive but that it might be possible. I could ask my dad for some help (I think he'd be more inclined to help me adopt a baby than pay for more medical treatments that may not produce a fruitful outcome), I could borrow a little from my 401(k), we could sell some stuff...it could work. I have also thought, to myself, that I don't know if I'm up for all the hurdles we would have to jump through. From what I understand it can be a paperwork nightmare that requires endless hours on the phone, on the Internet and basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. To myself, I have worried that BJ might not bond with a child that is not his own. I don't know why I fear this, but it's there. I also worry that the Little Guy would not bond as well with a child that had no blood ties to him. He still doesn't quite understand that if I had a baby it would be his half sibling and not his step sibling...after all, it would be coming from his step mom, right? That is the thinking of a 9-year old. I have also worried about the future with an adopted child. What if he/she doesn't bond with me/us? What if he/she decides to go look for the birth parents? What if he/she prefers the birth parents over me/us? How would I handle that? How would I handle an angry teenager asking me "why did you even adopt me?" Would the child be picked on at school for being adopted and then become ashamed/resentful? I'm jumping a little ahead here so let me get to the point where I take these thoughts and turn them into words in an actual conversation with my husband.
We were looking at the pictures of a newborn on one of the blogs I read. I'm not going to say which one because it has turned into a very sad situation but has also caused some not so nice people to attack this blogger. I was so happy looking at the pictures and I showed them to BJ and briefly told him the timeline of the adoption. He said "I'd do that. But it costs so much money." My brain started really thinking this over. We went to dinner on NYE and I brought it up by saying..."Would you really be able to bond with a child that wasn't your own...one that was adopted?" He promptly answered with an emphatic "yes, it would be MY kid, OUR kid." I brought up some of my fears and he didn't know what we would do in some of those situations either, but he said we could figure it out. Then the blogger's birth parents decided to parent the child. I told BJ and he said, "that'd be our luck" along with some other colorful language. Then came the negative comments on the blog. And then I made the mistake of clicking over to one of the blogs.
There on the page in front of me was a very angry adoptee. And she had many angry adoptee followers. I read a few posts and was just floored. I've known a few adoptees in my life and never got the feeling that they were angry about being adopted, but now I wonder. And I wonder if the majority of adoptees feel this way? And I wonder if my adopted child would feel this way? There is a very strong case for these feelings. An adopted child may never feel like they fit in with their family. They may always feel like they should be somewhere else, living a different life. The adopted child could end up bitter and angry like this blogger and her fellow bloggers and followers, and that is a tragedy.
I know that adoption saves many children from very bad situations. I don't disagree with adoption. This is just one of the many things I fear about adoption. Like I said, I've known a few adoptees and they are living just fine lives and are pretty glad that they were raised in a house with drug free parents instead of in a cardboard box on the street being traded for drugs. I think parents that decide to give their children up are brave and strong and don't do so because an adoption agency tells them to...they do it because they believe they cannot provide a good enough life. Sometimes this might backfire. However, I believe in my heart that most families that adopt children give them a good life and a lot of love. And I know that people looking to adopt are not setting out to steal children from their birth parents. Most adoptive families want children to love, children they can spoil, children they can make smile, children they can show the world to. That's what parenthood is. I want to be a parent. It is not a right but a privilege to be a parent. My body has taken my privilege from me and so I have been thinking of another way to become a parent.
I don't know if the adoption option will get pursued. I'm scared shitless about all the implications that adoption can have on parents and children. I'm scared of screwing up the life of an adopted child that would rather be with his/her birth parents. I was really starting to lean that way but now I'm not so sure. My siblings and I are screwed up because our mother basically abandoned us (not as babies) because she thought she was doing "what was best for us because she couldn't take care of us". Is that how adoptive children feel? Do they feel that it doesn't matter if a parent can take care of you or not...they'd rather be with a parent that is living on the street than with an adoptive family?
I just don't know anymore. I'm very confused about all of it. And that's not to say that we definitely won't pursue adoption, but that I had been thinking of it and now I'm even more scared than I was before.