The First Few Days of Motherhood - Part 3

Ok, so I think I want to at least get through our hospital stay before I start reliving my ppd/ppa/ptsd issues.  Bear with me, if you will.

The Lactation Consultant was off on the Friday that we were in the hospital, of course.  She also does not work weekends, of course.  I had really hoped to see her again and get more help and advice because it was pretty obvious by that time that we were going to have BF’ing issues.

BG’s nursery visits were getting shorter and shorter, which was good because that meant that she was able to regulate her temperature.  I was beginning to worry about her bowel movements, though.  We had the handy-dandy sheet to keep track of her wet and dirty diapers and she was a peeing machine but she hadn’t had a “recordable” BM in about 7 hours.  I asked the nurses about it and they didn’t seem concerned and just told me to keep an eye on her.  Um, ok.

Spending that time with her was magical.  I felt like I was getting the hang of things as far as her care was concerned.  (HA!!)  Two nurses actually complimented me on my swaddling abilities which I let go to my head.  There was an instance when BG was crying and I was trying to get her to sleep but I wasn’t having much luck.  I was about to pee my pants so I set her in the bassinet and before I even finished my business she was sound asleep.  I thought that maybe I had one of those babies that just wanted to be put down.  (HA!!)  She would do this funny heavy breathing thing before she started crying and that became my cue to go to her.  One of the nurses was in the room when she did this and laughed and called her a drama queen.  Another nurse told me how quiet and content she was when she was in the nursery.  She commented on how BG would just lay there and look around and “watch” everything that was going on.  I thought that maybe I had one of those babies that would just be content and observant.  (HA!!)

On our last night in the hospital BJ and I got into a tiff regarding how to soothe the baby.  He had planned on going home anyway because he had to work but he left in a bit of a huff and I have never felt so abandoned in my life.  We were talking to a nurse about pacifiers vs letting the baby suck on our finger to help her fall asleep.  We were trying to avoid any nipple confusion and I was becoming petrified that if she sucked on anything other than me she would not want ME.  Those were irrational thoughts but that’s where I was and that was the first sign of anxiety but of course I was way too emotional to recognize it.  BJ and I made up via text messages but I still felt like I was going to have a breakdown at any moment.  The nurse even apologized to me for HIS behavior.  She could obviously see the pain I was in at the time.

The day we went home I was able to pump about 1 drop from my right breast.  The nurse looked at it and was obviously disappointed at what she saw.  I had been pumping after almost every feeding for about 10 minutes each time.  I had been putting the baby to my breast every 2 to 3 hours.  I had done everything I could to keep her awake at the breast.  I was not having much luck.  She just wanted to sleep on me…but she was sucking and I knew that was important.  The nurse we had that day examined my incision and noticed that my pubic area was swollen and bruised.  I had noticed but figured it was just retaining fluid like the rest of my body was from the Pitocin.  She was concerned and asked me how my belly wrap was fitting.  Apparently, I had been wearing it wrong for 2 days.  The edge of it was digging into my pubic area and was causing me harm.  How I didn’t notice this is beyond me.  I was really swollen and quite bruised.  She said that it was supposed to be worn like a mini-skirt, not like a belt.  I wonder why no one told me that.  She also said that the one I had was too small.  Lovely.  So she got me a new one and oh how grateful I was to her.  She examined my breasts and said that she felt my mammary glands and that my milk should be in shortly.  Yay!  It was discharge time!

I was packing the room up and waiting for BJ to arrive with the car seat when the pediatrician came in with instructions for me.  This is another doctor at the practice where I would be taking BG.  She came in without a smile and was very business-like and stone faced.  She said:

“You are going to need to finger feed her X amount of formula after every feeding until Monday.  You need to make an appointment with our office to have the baby seen on Monday (today was Saturday).  She’s slightly jaundiced and she’s lost just under 10% of her weight, ok?”

 I was totally thrown for another loop.  Now we have a weight issue, too?  AND jaundice?  What will be next?  Not to mention that I was just about to cry when the doctor left the room.  She was so cold and so blunt and just so matter of fact with the news she just delivered.  She left a bad taste in my mouth.  I made a decision that day that I would see ANY other doctor in the practice but not her.

BJ showed up and I told him what the problem was and he just shook his head.  Can’t anything go right?  Why can’t we be a “normal” couple that has a baby and just goes home?  Why do we have to have all these issues?  Ugh 

I had the nurse show me how to use the syringe to finger feed my baby.  I was so upset but I was just going through the motions and trying really hard to concentrate on what she was saying.  We were finally discharged in the afternoon.  Baby Girl was so tiny in her car seat.  Dressing her in her going home outfit was challenging.  J  She had only worn t-shirts and socks up until that point.  Her overalls said “together at last” and that could not have been more appropriate considering what we went through to get her.

We loaded everything into the car and I took a ride in the wheelchair…still feeling detached from the whole experience.  We were taking a baby home…to our house…to keep.  I still find it hard to fathom at times.  We stopped at the pharmacy for my pain meds.  It was cold and damp and windy so I stayed in the car.  When we pulled up to our house it had been decorated by my friend/neighbor.  There were balloons and cut outs and a banner welcoming our baby by name.  It was so wonderful to see.  The friend came over just as we were bringing everything inside.  BJ had cleaned the house from top to bottom and it was great to walk in to a sparkling clean house.  I had cleaned it before we left but since we have 2 cats and the boys had been home while I was away I guess it got a bit messy in my absence.  I let my friend hold the baby while I prepared to feed her.

Once my friend left and we were alone with the baby I could not stop staring at her.  I actually laid her down long enough to take her picture in her bassinet but for the most part she was either in my or BJ’s arms.  We were home with our baby.  I almost started crying when I realized that I had not taken a picture of me holding the baby on her first night in the house.  We quickly took a few pictures and BJ headed off to bed.  I was stuck on the couch.  When he left to go to bed I cried.  I was alone, again.  I didn’t know how much sleeping on separate floors would affect me until several days later.

That first night was rough.  I was exhausted but I kept setting my alarm for every 2 hours so I could nurse the baby and then give her the formula.  It was extremely difficult finger feeding a newborn by myself but I managed to do it twice over night.  I woke up with every little noise she made and I must have checked her breathing at least 10 times.  I almost felt guilty for sleeping when I was actually able to sleep.  It’s crazy to think about now because I honestly don’t know how I was able to accomplish anything with the lack of sleep I had been getting since she arrived.

Wow, this post has gotten really long.  I’ll stop babbling now.  Once I get going it’s hard to stop because all of these details come flying back to me and I’m reliving them each time I post.  Some of the feelings are great to experience again but others, not so much.  I’m trying to condense things but apparently I’m not so good at condensing.  J

My, How Things Can Change

I have a lot to say so this will be a bit long.  First and foremost, Baby Girl is here and she is amazing (and seemingly fine).  I'll get to all of that but I want to catch you all up on the events leading up to her birth.  The last you heard from me I was 39 weeks and had made no progress.

At our scan on 12/31 I noticed that BG's head (the top view) looked a little narrow but no one said anything to me so I didn't think about it again.  I went in for my regular weekly appointment and my OB didn't mention any issues.  At our second weight scan I again thought her head was a little narrow but the tech didn't say anything and no one came in to tell us of any problems so I didn't even bring it up.  These scans were done locally in our county, by the way.  My first cervix ripening appointment (that was to happen after my OB appointment) got cancelled because there were actual women in labor that needed the rooms so BJ had taken off work for nothing.  That really bummed us out.  However, I still had my OB appointment.  I told BJ he didn't need to come with me now since we weren't doing the gel.  I was so hopeful for some progress at this point.  I was just so excited to get labor going and to meet our little girl.  My doctor came in and right away I knew something was wrong.  She was very business like and started telling me that my baby's head was too small for her body and she noted on the u/s report that her measurements were less than 73% and they should be much higher.  She was worried about the baby not being able to start labor because of such a small head...which STILL had not dropped into my pelvis.  I was high and closed with no progress in sight.  She ordered a NST right away.  I asked why no one told us this at our last scan which was 3 weeks prior to this one.  She looked back in my file and basically had no answer for me.  I was devastated.  The name for what they said our baby had was mild dolichocephaly.  Basically, it meant that the open portions of her skull had grown shut prematurely.  My mind was swirling around and I was all alone.  One day before our due date and we find out that something could be very wrong with our child.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I had to report to L&D right away for my NST.  I called BJ from the hallway and he answered with "do you have good news for me?", hoping that I had dilated.  I held back tears and told him that I had bad news for him and quickly tried to explain what I didn't even understand.  He said he was coming up to the hospital to be with me.  I was glad he was on his way.  While I waited to be checked in at L&D I stupidly used my phone to google.  There wasn't much time to really look things up but what I found was very disturbing.  I was beside myself with fear.  I was mad at my body for letting me down again.  I had gotten over some of my anger at myself because I had carried to term with no issues or complications and now THIS happened.  When BJ came into the room we sat together and I tried to hold off the tears.  I apologized to him over and over again.  He said I had nothing to be sorry about.  I felt differently.  I told him that if I had not been hell bent on having a baby that we wouldn't be facing this terrible diagnosis for our child.  He would hear none of it.  He was great.  Baby Girl passed the NST, which I knew she would...she moved all the time.  We were sent on our way with another appointment for the gel ripening Monday night and another OB check on Tuesday.

We didn't know what to do with ourselves.  We googled and then got frustrated because we couldn't really find anything that helped us understand what was happening.  All of our happiness and joy and wonderful anticipation had now turned into the ultimate stress situation filled with worry and fear.  We told very few people what was happening and asked for prayers.  We tried to find information on this condition and what the severity of her situation was but there isn't much out there.  And what is out there isn't very helpful.  Usually preemies and breech babies are afflicted with this condition, she was neither of those things.  She'd been head down forever.  BJ stayed home with me the next day and we both sat under a dark cloud.  We talked about how much we loved this little baby and how we wanted her to come out, not only because we were ready but now we wanted to take care of her and "fix" her if we could.  With her being inside there wasn't much we could do.  The web suggested skull surgery to give the head a more round shape and the thought of that terrified us.  Poor BJ learned of the Little Guy's heart problem 2 days after his birth and then had to schedule open heart surgery when he was only 6 weeks old.  It seemed so unfair that now we were having another child with a health crises.  All we wanted was to hold and love our baby girl.  We felt so helpless.

On Friday, I decided to be a bit more proactive.  I contacted the ped office that we intended to take baby girl to and set up a meet and greet.  I picked up her u/s pictures and report and headed to the meeting.  I looked over the report and was even more disturbed.  Of all the measurements they took, only her femur measured on target.  Her head measured almost 4 weeks behind and her abdomen was measuring 2+ weeks behind.  They had her weighing 7 pounds and 8 ounces and said that her weight was only the 36th percentile and that she did not show appropriate growth from the last scan.  How could this be?  I was so angry that no one told us any of this before.  I would have been able to get an appointment with the MFM that did our 12 and 20 week scans.  I trusted them much more than I trusted these local yahoos.  It was too late for that.  I met with her pediatrician that afternoon and brought the report and the u/s pictures with me.  He seemed stumped by the diagnosis and didn't really have any insight for me.  Basically he told me to just wait and see.  What?  I knew more about it than he did from my online research.  He said he didn't see anything to really worry about (he didn't look at the pictures as he said he didn't know how to read them...hmmm) but that he'd also not had anyone come to him about this before.  Ok, I was basically on my own again.  There really was nothing to do but sit and wait and try to get her to come out.

It was a very long weekend indeed.  I was so uncomfortable and couldn't sleep and now most of my waking thoughts were about my little girl and how this would affect her.  I was due to see my OB again Monday afternoon if I didn't go into labor over the weekend.

I'm going to stop for now.  I only get a few minutes of time here and there and this post has taken me weeks to write.  Plus, I now have 2 bum wrists instead of just one.  Not sure what the deal is but I'm in constant pain and typing really makes it worse.  I will tell her birth story in my next post.  Like I said, she seems to be fine so there's no need to worry right now.  I will try to get another post up soon.  We just bought her a swing and that will hopefully help me to have 2 free hands for at least a little while during the day.

Thank you all for checking in with me and I'm very sorry for the delay in getting something up.  I'm also going through what I'm sure is mild PPD which I will write about later, too.  I have so much to say but not many free minutes.  I'm reading and following along with all of you and cheering for you and celebrating with you...I'm just quiet and busy.  Love to you all!