Friday, July 8, 2011

Why?

There are many times during the TTC process that we Infertiles ask the question “why?”


Why is it taking so long?
Why do I have endo?
Why do I have PCOS?
Why are my tubes blocked?
Why does my husband not have any sperm?
Why do I not ovulate?
Why do I keep losing babies?
Why? Why? Why?

The list just goes on and on for most of us. The “why?” that I’m asking today is this: Why do I still think there is a chance I could get pregnant?

I saw ewcm yesterday and put a plan into action to seduce my husband. Surprisingly I succeeded in doing just that. I’m only on CD9 today. The sighting of the ewcm means that ovulation will be today or tomorrow. I’m not peeing on any sticks or strips to know for sure. Being this early in my cycle I know that if there is an egg in the follicle that it’s most likely not mature. On the off chance that it is mature I’m sure it’s not normal. My track record speaks for itself. So again I have to ask myself, why?

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I had a dream last night that I was at a neighbor’s party. It was the neighbor that is 41 and has stated that she never wants kids. It’s my opinion that she tried and failed but I have yet to ask her about it. I could be wrong but that is the feeling I get from her. Anyway...back to my dream. She was sharing her eggs with me. No, not her ovarian eggs, actual eggs that you would crack open and cook. Someone told me that the eggs wouldn’t be any good, that they’d be messed up. I assured them that the eggs would be fine. It was a half carton of eggs which is how I usually buy them. As I opened the carton, I inspected each and every one of the eggs. And wouldn’t you know that every single egg was cracked and oozing? I was so very disappointed.

Isn’t it amazing how our minds can work our life into some bizarre dream? I know my eggs are all crap, pretty much just like the ones in my dream. However, the ones in my dream weren’t mine. They were given to me and they were still bad. They were meant to replace my own but I couldn’t use them either. That’s pretty much how I feel. That even if I could afford donor eggs, I still would not end up with a baby. But again, why? Why am I even thinking about donor eggs?

Why am I holding on to this hope? It’s torture on most days. I hate this feeling of being defeated and at the end of my rope. Sometimes the good guy doesn’t win. All too often the villain gets the prize while the deserving champion sits on the sidelines knowing there is nothing that can change the outcome. Why? Why does it have to be this way?

I wish I knew. One of these days I’ll stop asking “why”. I’m sure it won’t be because I have an answer...I’ll just eventually grow tired of asking. Or maybe I’ll learn to just accept things for what they are and I won’t care “why”. I wish I were in that place now.

10 comments:

Pie said...

Hope...she is a fickle lady. You need her, but she also bites you in the tush. I don't know why this is where you're at now, but I know I wish it were different for you. ((((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

I can still hope for you. I too ask "why" quite often and it had me in tears this cycle. My eggs are useless or so it seems though there are plenty of them.

someday-soon said...

It is all so very unfair {{{HUGS}}}

This crazy life of mine... said...

This post REALLY hits home. WHY? For being only 3 letters, it is such a big word. And it sucks, big time. I have a list of why's myself. =(

Fran said...

Sweetie, we just can't help hoping. Till we can hope we will.

callmemama said...

Man, that is some kind of crappy dream :(. I hope one day we all know the answer to the "why's"...

C said...

((HUGS)) I have the same questions, the very same questions. It just seems so easy for everyone else. It's all so unfair :(

In the words of my favorite IF expert/ therapist. "It happens to the nicest people."

Allison said...

(((HUGS))) Because I have no answers, though I wish otherwise.

mommyodyssey said...

I wish I had something eloquent to say about this beautiful post. But i don't. I just want to give you a big hug. I'm right here with you. Hoping and asking why.
xoxo

SuchAGoodEgg said...

This is an absolutely gorgeous and heartbreaking post. I have a quote on my blog about hope:

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent."— Jean Kerr

Thinking of you sweet friend. xoxo