Monday, July 18, 2011

Out of the Blue

I was getting ready to write a post about my weekend when my cell phone started ringing. I looked down to see my clinic’s name and number on the display. I thought about not answering it. I thought about whether or not we were scared away with our bill. I thought (and this is completely crazy but it actually went through my head for a split-split second) my last embryo didn’t really die...they froze it and forgot to tell me and want to transfer it right away! I know, I know, crazy and completely out of left field but that’s one of the things that popped into my head.


It was my nurse calling to catch up with me. I told her that I had nothing new to report. We pretty much know our only option is an egg donor and it’s a bit out of our price range. She agreed that it’s very expensive. I also told her that I had even spoken to the DE coordinators and went over all of our options and we are pretty much stuck right now...just healing. She was very sweet and understanding and said that if I needed anything from her or Dr. M to just call her...even if I just wanted to talk about what we are going through. I thought that was very nice of her.

This call came at a very sensitive time for me. As I said, I was about to post about my weekend. Here’s a snippet of how yesterday was for me:

I was sitting on the couch browsing through my pictures on my cell phone when my pee stick pictures popped up. I was taken aback a little and BJ noticed. He asked me what the picture was and I told him it was my positive pregnancy test...I had forgotten it was on there. I flipped back a few more pictures and there were my embryos. I didn’t forget they were on there I just apparently like to torture myself.

We had to go to our niece’s birthday party yesterday. She is turning 4 tomorrow. The entire family (BJ’s BIL’s side) was there. This family has exploded over the last 2 years to say the least. There were 6 toddlers there aged 3 and under. And to make matters worse, my SIL’s friend showed up. She’s 47 years old and has been fighting secondary IF for about 8 or 9 years. She’s due September 1. Everyone was fawning all over her. I’m fine with it as she has fought hard (not sure how the baby was conceived and won’t ask) to get this second child. I just wish it were ME. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant right now. They were talking about her shower and how she’s feeling and if they’ve thought of any names. Very typical stuff. Like I said, I’m very happy that she is finally to this point with a healthy pregnancy and baby...I’m just jealous. I was so ready to leave. BJ was ready to go but he just doesn’t like all the commotion and screaming of so many little kids. Ugh.

I don’t remember much of my dreaming last night except this one little tidbit: I had just POAS and got a VERY dark second line. It was so dark, it was almost black. Someone had to tell me to look at it again to prove to myself that the 2nd line was there. I remember thinking that there is no way I’m losing THIS pregnancy....look at how dark that 2nd line is. The next thing that happened was I woke up (except I was still asleep) within the dream and had to remind myself that it was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up FOR REAL and realized the whole thing was a dream.

And then my nurse called me this morning. If you add that to all my conflicting feelings regarding my Faith and my “plan”....what do you get? A big emotional mess.

Geez...my mind really knows how to mess with me.

Anyway...thank you all for reading through my mix of emotions last week regarding my crisis of Faith and my apparent floundering. You all have great opinions and insight and I really do appreciate your views. I wish I could reply to comments but have yet to figure out how to do that in Blogger. I’d like people to get notified (you know, like on FB) that I have replied to their comment. If I just post a comment I don’t think the person is notified...they’d have to come back and read through everything to see if I have responded. Anyone have any better methods?

11 comments:

Jenn said...

I have my email linked to my blog, and several of my readers do too, so when I get notifed of their comment, their email is attached, and I just reply right there usually. I'm sorry about this weekend. I've found that it still hurts, even more after our failed adoption, because we thought 'this is it, we'll finally be a family'. Sending much love, and it was so kind for them to call you. I think that's what makes the process easier when doing treatments, is realizing you aren't just a number to the clinic, the truly do care about you. After my 4th loss with my RE, he cried with us. He totally understood why we were moving on with adoption. He kept apologizing he couldn't make it work.

Alex said...

What a tough weekend - I'm sorry. Yes, I can see why you're conflicted and why all this is so hard. Thinking of you...

mommyodyssey said...

Urgh. Sounds like a really sucky weekend. I hate it when this stuff just creeps up on me. But it's really sweet of the nurse to follow up with you. Huge hugs!

callmemama said...

Sorry for the tough weekend :(.
And also sorry I've been such a crappy commenter lately! I've not mastered commenting on blogger from my phone yet, and haven't had too much time on the 'ole laptop lately.

Pearl said...

I'm sorry you've had a rough weekend. I completely understand. I should be 34 weeks pregnant right now, not on cd 35 and spending about $100 on pregnancy tests only to have my heart broken each time. It seems like everywhere you turn there is something about babies or pregnant bellies. I misscarried in February and allthough I thought I was getting along it hit me all over again last week. I'm back to that dark and sad place I was at 5 months ago. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one seems to understand. If you ever need someone to vent to send me a note.

suchagoodegg said...

So very very sorry....being around preggos is THE ABSOLUTE WORST. It doesn't matter how hard-faught the woman's pregnancy was and of course you don't begrudge her her miracle—you just want it for you TOO!! I wish you didn't have to attend such events....

You are in a dark place, completely understandably, and my heart just breaks for you. Your dreams have been absolutely wild lately. What gets me: You literally have no break from the heart ache....it finds you everywhere.

If we lived in the same town, I'd take you out for coffee and venting and a hug....and a lottery ticket so you could afford another go. Still, I keep hoping and hoping that you become one of the bloggies who magically gets knocked up despite all of the odds. I won't stop hoping for you! Thinking of you sweet friend. xoxo

Fran said...

You really had a rough weekend sweetie. Your nurse has been really amazing and thoughtful but I understand it came at a very tough time. To me it means there's hope. Really.

someday-soon said...

It's wonderful that your nurse was kind and understanding...especially since her call came at souch a sensative time. Lots of PTs coming your way!!!

Pie said...

Poop weekend, I'm sorry. I' glad your nurse was checking up on you, that is very nice. Hang in there, sweetie. ((((hugs))))

Amanda said...

your nurse sounds amazing. I've certainly never gotten a call like that!

C said...

Your nurse sounds awesome! What a rough weekend, though :( I give you a lot of credit for attending such a child-focused event. That took a lot of courage and I know I wouldn't have been strong enough.

((HUGS))