Thursday, July 21, 2011

Letting Go and/or Moving On

I just read something on FB and it brought tears to my eyes:

Laugh when you can,
Apologize when you should,
And let go of what you can’t change.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up,
It means you’re moving on.

I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to move on. I don’t know how to do those things. I guess in time I will figure it out. I don’t really have a choice. Like the little saying says, I can’t change it.

The same person posted this saying:

I can choose to let regrets define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me – or I can choose to move on and leave them behind me.

I have many regrets that I have let go of and some that I haven’t. Even with my spiritual crisis lately I can’t honestly say that I regret doing our IVF. That is hard for me to admit because I question whether or not God actually sent me down that path or my own free will did. I don’t regret it because it gave me several days of real motherhood. Like I said in a previous post I believe, for me anyway, that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. My heart was so full of love and happiness that I could barely contain it. I have never known love like that. I feel extremely grateful for the opportunity to have loved so much in such a short amount of time.

I must really like to torture myself, too. I went back and read the posts from my very first BFP to the end...I also read all the comments. That girl was so happy and confused and hopeful and scared. Most of all, she was pregnant and then she wasn’t. It was almost like I was reading someone else’s blog. It feels like a lifetime ago. All the comments were so sweet and genuine and reassuring and supportive. I would not have been able to get through things as well as I did (have I?) if not for you guys. When I asked for level headed that is what I got. When the shit hit the fan I got tons of love and hugs. There is no place like my little place in the blogosphere.

I know this is quite a rambling post and I didn’t have any intention on posting today but after reading that saying on FB I needed to come here and let out a little emotion. It hit a cord with me to say the least. I’ve been racking my brain on ways to get money for egg donor and at the same time wondering why I’m even thinking about it. It’s very simple really; I don’t know how to let go or move on...yet.

Lately I have not been praying for a miracle baby. I have been asking for strength to let go of my yearning. I have been asking for help with acceptance. I guess I need to pray harder because it’s not working. Or maybe God knows that I don’t really mean it. Since He knows what’s in my heart then He must know that I still desperately want to carry a child. I’m trying to get over this, I really am. Most days I’m ok and then other days...well, I’m a mess. I guess it’s a process that I have to go through until I get to acceptance, right? I wonder how much longer I have to wait.


Amanda said...

What a powerful quote. I know how you feel though..I can't imagine giving up. It's been almost 3 years now and I'm fighting harder than ever. I don't think there's anything wrong with that you. The love you experienced in those few weeks is what's fueling you, and I can't think of a better reason to keep going.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and happiness with your decision. You deserve so much, and I hope you get your wish..

Alex said...

Give yourself some time... Sending you love!

someday-soon said...

I agree with Alex...give yourself some time and hopefully your path will become clear {{{HUGS}}}

Rebecca said...

Acceptance is a long hard road that eventually all of us must travel when we find that our goal or dream is not to be a reality the way we planned it would. Maybe your dream is just changing and it will come about in a different form of fulfillment. In a few days I'll be turning 42 and my egg quality has gotten worse since I was first diagnosed at 25. Its time I took a look back and one look forward to see where I too am headed. Good luck! I hope your healing process isn't too painful.

Anonymous said...

I think this is a very powerful post. But I do want to say something: I know egg donation is outside of your financial reach. But I think that you can't let go of that yearning to be a mother. I don't think it's something that is possible. I read somewhere about a woman who missed her window to carry a child and still considers herself a mother, in the way that she acts and interacts with everyone around her, every day. I'm not saying that you don't have to mourn the loss of the chance to carry your own biological child - of course you do, and that will heal in time. But never let go of your yearning and your natural motherly instincts. I can tell you that for me, with all of my losses, I'm still exploding with yearning, and I channel it into teaching. I love every minute of it, and I find it to be one of the best parts of my week. I think you have so much to give to this world, and there are ways to be a mother without actually being a mother biologically. Am I making sense?
Huge hugs to you!

Pie said...

Time does heal, but sometimes it is a lot longer amount of time that we'd want. Allow yourself to grieve, still, and time will help too - but you do have to allow yourself the grieving process, or else (this is what i think, at least) things will just fester, and never truly heal. Does that make sense? I hope so. ((((HUGS))))

C said...

That's a great quote. Thank you so much for posting it. You've been through A LOT, and to be honest, I don't know what the answers are, or even the right words to provide comfort. Just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you always.


Jem said...

I don't know if you ever "move on." I think you just get on with this thing called life ("electric word, life. It means forever and that's a very long time" - sorry, I couldn't resist).

That said, this community truly understands. Thank goodness we are able to be here for each other.

maria lopez said...

Beautiful post!