Sometimes song lyrics can really stick with me. There are some songs that make me think of certain situations I’ve been in or of a certain time in my life. I have some very vivid memories of songs and/or videos from my youth. I can tell you all about the first time I heard Sweet Child O’ Mine by GNR. I can tell you the first time I heard Please Don’t Go Girl by the New Kids (I was a blockhead for a while). I can tell you what scene a song played during in some movies...especially my all-time favorite movie, Dirty Dancing. Some songs make me very happy to hear and others make me cry because they bring up memories of something painful like a lost loved one or a broken heart.
I heard a Kenny Chesney song on the radio the other day that I haven’t heard in a long time. It’s a song that used to make me tear up because it reminded me of my dad and our relationship and it would make me miss him (he’s still alive, just lives far away from me). That song made me tear up for a much different reason the other day. The song is There Goes My Life. If you haven’t heard it, it’s about a young man that gets his girlfriend/wife pregnant when they aren’t really ready. At different stages of her growing up he says the lines that go something like this:
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life.......
I used to think of my dad during that song and how he might have felt when he found out my mom was knocked up with me and then about how he fought for me when they split and then about how he might have felt when I eventually moved out to live with my mom. It’s a very touching song when thought of like that.
Now all I can think about is that chorus and how it sums up how I’m feeling now...about myself and my own future. It sucks to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like my future is over. I have so much life yet to live (knock on wood) and I don’t want to spend it depressed and sad about what I don’t have. I know I’ll get to a point where I will stop dwelling on our loss and I’ll really be able to focus on the future, I just wish I were at that point now. I must think of how much I want to be pregnant at least 20 times a day. I really need something else to focus on but I’m finding it difficult to be interested in much of anything.
I’m doing better for the most part, I really am. It might not seem like it by this post but each day brings me an inch or so closer to acceptance. I have my down moments that can be triggered by anything as simple as a country song to the more blatant things like hearing the neighbor’s 2 month old crying while I’m picking weeds out of my flower bed.
Anyway, I just wanted to come here and let out a little emotion and some of the thoughts inside this crazy head of mine. Thank you all for your understanding and encouraging words. You never fail to make me feel better and “ok” about myself. And I promise that if I feel like I’m slipping away or falling down too far I will seek some help, either with a therapist/counselor or the mighty powerful antidepressant.
Oh, and for anyone keeping track...CD1 was Sunday, right on time. I hate how predictable AF can be when my ovaries have nothing good to give me.