Friday, June 3, 2011

Lost

Isn’t it ironic how positive we can sometimes be when leaving comments on other people’s blogs and then turn right around and fill our own pages with buckets of sadness, negativity and depression? Well, that’s what I’m about to do. I left a comment earlier today on a blog stating that I try not to be a “downer” on my own blog too much...blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.


I feel so totally lost right now. I’m not lost in Limboland because that would mean that I’m in between certain situations or events. There’s no limbo involved in deciding (being forced) to stop TTC. It’s pretty final. And it pretty much sucks ass.

I don’t know how to be the woman that is not TTC. I’ll admit that there have been periods of time that I didn’t chart or temp or use opk’s, but I always paid attention to my CM and counted the days to when I thought ovulation would happen and I tried to plan our sex life around those times. I didn’t look at my fertility calendar until earlier this week to figure out when my period would be starting. I never felt myself ovulate so I have no idea where things are in my cycle right now. All of that feels foreign to me...not knowing when I ovulate? Yeah, right. I can usually give you the time of day.

I have done a little bit of research into government trials regarding IVF. I don’t even qualify for any of the local programs because I’ve had 2 failed IVF’s (the one that was cancelled and the BFN in 2009) and I didn’t/don’t produce a minimum of 8 eggs. Many of the other programs/trials are taking place in countries with names that I can’t even pronounce. Dead end again.

I checked the balance of my 401k yesterday as I have not looked at it in quite a while. I told BJ how much was in it and he said, “cool....take out $X and we can get our pool...or empty it and we can get our pool and a baby.” I looked him dead in the face and said, “Don’t think I haven’t already thought of that.” Then he talked reason into me and said that I’d have no retirement if we did that and that 11 years of saving would be gone. I know he’s right and that our future financial situation is very important to us and I don’t think I’d ever really empty my account....but I’ve thought about it.

I’ve thought about anything and everything I can to get my hands on the money for a donor egg program and I keep coming up empty handed. There’s nothing left to do. There is no stone left to turn over. This is the end of the line.

Each day I get up and I go through the motions. I laugh and I smile but it’s not as genuine as it should be. When BJ and I hug or snuggle all I can think about is how badly I want a baby for us. I don’t dare say it out loud for fear that hearing myself say it will trigger a sob-fest.

Only recently have I begun to enjoy food again. I eat because I have to and because it’s in front of me. I’d say in the last week I’ve really started enjoying certain things again...like really savoring the taste. Mostly though, it’s just food and I just keep putting it in my mouth. I’m sleeping fine and I don’t feel tired during the day, which is always good. However, I still just feel like I’m wandering...with no purpose and no destination. I know I have a future but now I know what will not be in it. I don’t like knowing that we are done. I don’t like knowing that there won’t be a baby. I liked it better when I thought that maybe a miracle could happen on its own since there was no real diagnosis. Now that I have a diagnosis all that miracle stuff has just flown out the window.

I put my best foot forward and I keep on going but I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just lost and wandering right now. I’ve always had a plan for if and when but now that I know that if and when turned into never, I don’t know where to go.

9 comments:

Alex said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so lost right now, but it is certainly understandable. If you really are done TTC, it's a huge transition point in your life. You've been wanting something so long, and you still want it, and trying to imagine your life without a baby, or without trying to have one, has to be so very hard. Give yourself some time. Have you considered going to counseling? It helps sometimes to talk through these decision points, and your feelings around this. Sending you so much love today, I hope this gets better for you!

Esperanza said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so lost right now. I think it make total sense that you do. I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to find direction in my life if the one thing I'd been working towards was not longer feasible. I think it will take a long time to figure out what your direction will be. Can you afford to go to therapy for a little while? Having an impartial third party help you through this really difficult time would probably be beneficial. I have been so helped by therapy over the years. It's just a thought. Whether you can go or not, it will take time for you to find your compass again. Be patient with yourself.

A said...

I agree with PP- I think it is totally understandable that you would feel lost right now. It might take some time to get your feet back under you, but we are here for you to be your sounding board when you need it (HUG). Go easy on yourself- you've been through so much lately, and it seems trying to force yourself to decide on a new direction when you're not ready for one would make things even more difficult. (HUG)

mommyodyssey said...

Hon, what can I say? Can anyone blame you for feeling like this? And of course you have to vent here. Where else can you be this honest?
I have something to say, though I admit I don't know if it will make you feel any better. Maybe it's just a bit of comparative perspective. A lot of IFers who manage to give birth find themselves feeling just as lost because they're not "Trying" anymore. It's absurd, but it happens. I always find myself down after working toward a goal, and either succeeding or failing. I think it's a natural part of everyone's life. Whenever you get used to a certain "state of being", if that state is altered, things are different, and that is always upsetting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not downplaying your feelings here. What I am saying is this:
This too will pass. You'll find your way again, because you're a strong, amazing, intelligent woman. And until then, grieve and rage as much as you need to. We're here to listen.
**I also second esperanza's suggestion. There's no shame in therapy, nor in anti-depressants if needed to get you over the hump. Make sure to take care of yourself!

Nanci said...

Oh how I know this feeling all too well - and over time I have just become numb to it. It sucks when the end of the road is forced upon you. You are willing and ready to go that extra mile but there are no other options available. It pisses me off to no end that finances dictate whether or not we can continue our quest to become parents. So yea, I get it. I wish I could give you a hug, friend....

Pie said...

I wish I could offer you more than a virtual (((hug))). It is a huge life transition, so of course you feel this way. I second or third what the other commenters have said - maybe some talk therapy to get some of this off your chest (other than what you do here, which i hope helps too). that way you don't feel a burden to BJ, but you are able to have a sob-fest when you need one. they are cathartic. your insurance may even cover some or all of the cost.

we're here for you too, to read and listen and support you through the yucky stuff.

C said...

((HUGE HUGS))

Thinking of you!

someday-soon said...

I wish I had something to say that would make all you are going through easier...or at least make it all make sense. It's so hard to find direction in your life and particuarly when a change in course happens. I wish you peace and I'm thinking tons of PTs for you {{{HUGS}}}

Lissie said...

Sending ya lots of hugs!!!