Monday, November 1, 2010

Back in the Saddle

Not so much the saddle that I want to get back in as much as on the treadmill.  I took a break from the little gym we have at work over the Summer.  I hate going down there.  There isn't anything on the TV that will keep my attention and so I hated being down there for my walks.  I have been walking outside most of the Summer.  It's not as good of a workout but I love the outdoors and the sunshine.  Well, as many of you know, Fall is upon us.  With Fall, brings falling temperatures.  Today is November 1 and I decided to start back at the gym.  I was going to do pilates this morning but my co-worker started a big conversation with me before I could head there.  I went at lunch and walked 20 minutes with a 5 minute cool down.  If you aren't good at math, like me, that's a full 25 minutes on the dreaded treadmill!  Yee haw!  I went 1.3 miles total.  My legs are like jell-o right now but in a good way.  I'm hoping to go at least 3 days a week.  I'd really like to go 4 or 5 but I know myself so I'm setting a realistic goal for myself.

Yesterday was the trick or treating.  We put up orange lights on the porch, hung 2 skeleton ghosts from our hanging plant hooks and hooked up 5 skeleton head lights for the sidewalk.  We then opened the office windows and played the theme to Halloween on the computer.  It was fun to hand out candy (sort of).  We had 1 kid ask us if it was a haunted house and one little boy wouldn't come to the door until he saw it was safe.  :-)  That was pretty cool.  I've never actually scared a little one before.  The Little Guy went with his mother and her boyfriend and his kids.  They stopped by very early for a couple of pictures.  I have a lot more I could say about that, but will save it for another time.  She annoys me sometimes to say the least.  I'm sure I annoy her, too.  Anyway...

BJ and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos and it was a special Halloween edition.  I always see lots of babies and toddlers and what not on that show.  It's just par for the course really.  However, they showed a video of 3 very pregnant women and their bellies were painted like jack-o-lanterns.  I didn't say anything but BJ piped in...."They just love to rub it in your face, don't they?".  I agreed and rolled my eyes.  It's EVERYWHERE.  The fact that I can't have a baby is rubbed in my face constantly.  Why?  Why is the universe so cruel?  These are the thoughts going through my head.  Then Extreme Makeover comes on and things are really put into perspective for me.  If you watched, you know what I mean.  I have my health, well other than my fertility.  The kids on this show were deaf and went to a special school that lacks proper funding.  Infertility has made me focus on myself a lot.  It's made me always think about what I'm missing and how things could be so much better.  It makes me forget how much worse things could be.  Everything else in my body (aside from my sometimes wacky thyroid) works fine.  I have a great heart and lungs and liver and bladder...the whole 9 yards.  I can see and smell and taste and hear.  The only thing I can't do is have a baby.  I want to stop being so selfish and thinking about what I'm missing all the time.  The only problem with this is that I don't know how.  I don't know how to look at babies and pregnant women and NOT think about my empty womb.  When does that feeling end?  When will it go away?

Today is CD24.  My temp dropped down to be equal to my cover line temp this morning.  I had a killer headache yesterday.  I might not be very good at math, but I know that 2+2=4 and that a headache + a lower temperature = AF will be here in a day or two.  My body might not work right but it has become a bit more predictable lately.  That is the one positive thing I will pull from this cycle.

3 comments:

AplusB said...

Good for you and the work out! Keep it up!

I know what you mean about feeling that things could be worse than infertility, but it still doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there!

Pie said...

Honestly, I don't think it is selfish to want to be a mom. I think it is very unselfish, in fact. Sure, things could always be worse, but don't diminish your own feelings either.

On other topics - GOOD JOB getting on the treadmill. The first week back is always the hardest.

callmemama said...

Can you believe it's November already?!

No matter how worse off someone else is, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel the pain you do from dealing with infertility. It is good to remember how much we DO have, though! Definitely helps put things in perspective on those really crappy days...