I'm not exactly sure why (ok, that's a lie) but I'm feeling a bit bland today. I'm pretty sure the period will be starting by tonight or tomorrow. I'm fairly confident that upon inspection of the TP today I saw some definite discoloration. This has really brought my mood down today. That, and I think my progesterone is falling which always makes me blue anyway. My temp was still at a post O level this morning but I'm sure it won't be tomorrow morning.
This sucks. And when I say "this" I mean infertility, sadness, depression, having no baby, working so hard and still having an empty uterus, feeling helpless and useless and beaten, feeling like a failure, feeling like I have nothing to offer the world, my husband or my parents, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the envy the grief. All of that and more just SUCKS.
I just want to cry. And I want the crying to make me feel better. But you know what? It doesn't. Not in this case. The crying doesn't do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. The crying doesn't give me the feeling of "letting it all out" anymore. I used to cry and get it out of my system and then move on to the next cycle feeling ready to fight and determined to succeed. But now, I just feel defeated. I don't have that many cycles left to move on to. And let's be realistic, the chances are basically zilch that we will succeed on our own. Unfortunately, no matter how much I cry to God, that fact is not going to change.
I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to stop paying attention to my fertility signs. Sure, I can stop temping and charting. But that won't stop me from noticing the changes in my CM and the hormonal surge that happens to me at O time. And that won't stop me from marking on the calendar when AF is supposed to arrive because I like to be prepared and make plans and I need to know when I'll be ragging in order to make said plans and be oh so prepared for her. I don't want to give up. I don't plan to give up right now. But there will come a time when enough will be enough. My husband is almost there. My time is running out. Heck, according to my poor response and the failure of my embies to implant, my time is already up.
I'm going in for my annual exam next week. The doctor I consulted with in October never called me back so I was going to ask my regular doctor for some Clomid. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to do that. I might just ask her for some advice on birth control. I just don't know what to do. I don't know the answer. I don't know my path. I guess I'm not listening hard enough to what God is trying to tell me or where he is trying to lead me. I feel lost and confused and I don't have a GPS to help me find my way. I'm dreading going in to see my doctor. The last time I saw her I was getting ready for my first IUI. I know she'll ask me about babies and birth control and I don't know how I'll respond to her. She's very quick and efficient so it's not like I have a lot of time to sit and chat with her.
I didn't intend for this post to be such a downer but once I started on this path it just sort of flowed out. That's why I'm glad I have this blog. It lets me express myself in ways I can't IRL. Most people that I know don't want to know how sad I am on the inside. They want to believe that I am living happily with no need or want of a baby. They are so very wrong...but I am obviously a very good actress because nothing could be further from the truth.