Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Feeling Bland

I'm not exactly sure why (ok, that's a lie) but I'm feeling a bit bland today. I'm pretty sure the period will be starting by tonight or tomorrow. I'm fairly confident that upon inspection of the TP today I saw some definite discoloration. This has really brought my mood down today. That, and I think my progesterone is falling which always makes me blue anyway. My temp was still at a post O level this morning but I'm sure it won't be tomorrow morning.

This sucks. And when I say "this" I mean infertility, sadness, depression, having no baby, working so hard and still having an empty uterus, feeling helpless and useless and beaten, feeling like a failure, feeling like I have nothing to offer the world, my husband or my parents, the anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the envy the grief. All of that and more just SUCKS.

I just want to cry. And I want the crying to make me feel better. But you know what? It doesn't. Not in this case. The crying doesn't do anything but make my eyes red and puffy. The crying doesn't give me the feeling of "letting it all out" anymore. I used to cry and get it out of my system and then move on to the next cycle feeling ready to fight and determined to succeed. But now, I just feel defeated. I don't have that many cycles left to move on to. And let's be realistic, the chances are basically zilch that we will succeed on our own. Unfortunately, no matter how much I cry to God, that fact is not going to change.

I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to stop paying attention to my fertility signs. Sure, I can stop temping and charting. But that won't stop me from noticing the changes in my CM and the hormonal surge that happens to me at O time. And that won't stop me from marking on the calendar when AF is supposed to arrive because I like to be prepared and make plans and I need to know when I'll be ragging in order to make said plans and be oh so prepared for her. I don't want to give up. I don't plan to give up right now. But there will come a time when enough will be enough. My husband is almost there. My time is running out. Heck, according to my poor response and the failure of my embies to implant, my time is already up.

I'm going in for my annual exam next week. The doctor I consulted with in October never called me back so I was going to ask my regular doctor for some Clomid. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to do that. I might just ask her for some advice on birth control. I just don't know what to do. I don't know the answer. I don't know my path. I guess I'm not listening hard enough to what God is trying to tell me or where he is trying to lead me. I feel lost and confused and I don't have a GPS to help me find my way. I'm dreading going in to see my doctor. The last time I saw her I was getting ready for my first IUI. I know she'll ask me about babies and birth control and I don't know how I'll respond to her. She's very quick and efficient so it's not like I have a lot of time to sit and chat with her.

I didn't intend for this post to be such a downer but once I started on this path it just sort of flowed out. That's why I'm glad I have this blog. It lets me express myself in ways I can't IRL. Most people that I know don't want to know how sad I am on the inside. They want to believe that I am living happily with no need or want of a baby. They are so very wrong...but I am obviously a very good actress because nothing could be further from the truth.

14 comments:

Patrish said...

I really wish I had that GPS for you so I could lead you in the right direction. My heart goes out to you and I still wish I could give more. It's unfair for any woman to be unable to have children. I wish none of us had to suffer this pain. The only thing I can offer you is my prayers. I truly hope you can get some positive information at your next Dr. visit.

Kait said...

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I can't imagine how discouraging it must be to find yourself back at CD1 after so many months of trying. That really is the worst. They say that IF is a really difficult loss to work through because it keeps happening over and over again and there can never be closure until you are pregnant, which can take years. It makes total sense that you feel the way you do. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel better, but I always appreciated validation so I guess that is what I'm trying to do for you. Sorry if it doesn't help much. My heart goes out to you.

Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com

Fran said...

My friend I am so sorry you feel this way, but do let it all out. I'm sending you lots of love and virtual hugs, now it's not the right time to think about what you can do, let the sadness go and let the good day come. Because you know it will and on that day you can make plans. Talk to your doctor, you may be able to see a different RE, you have only had one IVF, the protocol can be changed and the outcome may be very different. Don't blame yourself, honestly, we are on a really difficult path, I hope it'll be worth it and that one day we can look back and be proud of what we have achieved. Love, Fran

Leslie said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling down! I wish there was something I could do to help but hopefully a great big cyber hug will help a little (((((hug)))). I am thinking of you!!

gracieinbrooklyn said...

I'm so sorry you are down. Sending you support from rainy Brooklyn and a thought from Free To Be You & Me - "It's alright to cry..." (my favorite song) --- ((((hugs))))

wait, what? said...

I'm sorry. I wish there was something helpful to offer. IF and everything you mentioned does suck and it's completely unfair.

Big hug.

someday-soon said...

Big {{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry! Hope you can treat yourself to some nice flowers or you and your DH can get out for a night out.

Pie said...

Oh Sweetie, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I know I've said it before, but do be your own advocate with your doc - if you want clomid, you ask for it and get it! That's the doc's job, to treat you!

IF is so hard, I'm sorry you have to go through it. (((((((HUGS)))))))

C said...

I wish I could give you a huge hug. It's such an awful way to feel, the waiting, the being passed by, the not knowing. Nobody has the words to take your pain away. I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you!

theworms said...

I wish I could find that GPS, IF sucks so hard.
((HUGS))

ICLW

Willow said...

I so get this--the crying, hiding your true grief, feelings of failure, and wondering when you'll ever get off this deranged merry-go-round. We adopted last year but are still TTC and I just don't know how we would ever say enough is enough. It's like, we've gone thru this much already, what's a few dozen more injections, a few thousand more dollars, another month of hope followed by devastation? Ugh. I'm sorry you're feeling down :(

Wishing 4 One said...

These feelings are feelings we have all experienced and maybe are still experiencing now. They suck. No nice way to put it. IF is such a tough road to be on, but know there are so many here in blogland, you know that, that are here for you and will support you in every step you take. For me anyway it has made this journey that much more bearable. Thinking of you and wishing the best for 2010 for you. Happy iclw.

Kristin said...

Oh hon, I am so very sorry. I remember feeling lost and hopeless but also driven to go on. I hope you find a path that brings you peace of mind. {{{Hugs}}}

~ICLW

gotnewsforyou said...

Oh honey...I am so sorry that this is where you are. It just sucks. I hope that you find your path.

And in the meantime...I'm sending you hugs and love.